pre-read warning: ramble ALERT with lots of narrative!!
hard start…started with a sleepless Sunday night…arghhh!
but it got better today…thank you GOD!
there is something that is going to be good out of this adventure…it was supposed to happen. otherwise, it wouldn’t have happened. can’t argue with reality. you always lose. Byron Katie is one scary genius.
I cried on and off for a half hour in my office Monday at lunch time…the tears just kept coming…hate it when that happens, but what can you do, other than roll with it?
sidebar>>here is what I have been paying attention to when it comes to crying (since it’s been happening a lot lately): it allows me to process what’s going on in that moment from all the feelings that have welled to the surface (glad, sad, fear, or anger). ever notice how the big flow of tears only lasts for 9o seconds? it does. take note next time, if you let them roll. then a new thought enters, the crying either subsides or it starts over again for another 90 seconds…or you laugh. huh. it’s kinda cool that our bodies alert us to pay attention to what’s going on – on the inside – it will show up one way or another!
note: not looking for any sympathy with all this crying biz! seriously.
there is a lesson in all this…and last night, I decided to examine why I was so emotional yesterday. I didn’t associate with anything – I just watched my thoughts and feelings – like a compassionate observer watching my thoughts roll by. as a result, I didn’t beat myself up (my usual MO). here’s what I concluded:
1. EXHAUSTION: I was going on two hours of sleep.
2. FEAR: what I have experienced since 7/29 has been overwhelming.
3. COMBO of all four emotions: I have been thinking about all my relationships with friends, family, work…and how I have let so many people down…and why do I do that? that took some serious compassion not to beat myself up on that one!!
4. FEAR (again!): I am fearful of what this diagnosis means for my future. when will the next relapse occur, when will this one end, and what will the next one be? (Sunday for example, I had a new electrical jolt hit me like a gigantic bee sting – Tim confirmed that no bee had made his way through all my layers of shirts.)
I can handle all of the above.
1. EXHAUSTION: I need my sleep. I like to sleep. when I can’t, I will do something with my time to better my time – read, write, play Angry Birds – rather than thinking about the fact that I’m not sleeping, tossing and turning…and then stressing about not sleeping. that never works.
2. FEAR: Yep, but it could have been worse! and I’m doing something about it now, despite the daily fear when I give myself a shot. (tonight’s was a doozy!) I will get used to my new normal. here’s how I’m bettering it: Tim and I have decided I will only give myself a shot when he’s around just in case my body decides to reject it.
3. COMBO: I don’t have to take everything so seriously. there is not always a crisis awaiting. my husband loves me. he really does. my friends, family, and buddies love me. my dog adores me. bag it: I can’t control other people. duh!
4. MORE FEAR: I can only live in the moment. I always say, that all we ever really have…is right now. I will listen to my own advice. huh. better it: start going to yoga again and focusing on the good in what’s happening right now.
I have discovered that there is a whole world out there that I had no idea existed until MS entered. there is something I can do to be an active member of this new world and give back. just haven’t figured out what that it is yet.
going to a newly diagnosed seminar at the end of the month. can’t wait, actually.
this post was a bit too serious for my book…but again, what else can I do? I have five more blog titles waiting for me…I will try to work on MS Blogs Galore this weekend…or before. we’ll see what happens. and that’s not something worth worrying about right now.