leaning in…


nerves a-plenty for my first go at yoga this morning…since before MS took me for a ride.


did not like where I found a spot for my mats: the last row on the end was already taken…my usual spot for my practice in quasi-solitude…

(you know, where no one is watching you. ha!)

note to self: if when I go again, push no shove my way to the back of the room.


I am wobbling while waiting in line for the class beforehand to finish, shushing my initial gut reaction to bolt right then and there…I hang onto the rattan chair behind me, snagging my yoga pants in the process…and soon find myself mildly overwhelmed by the transition as folks from the last class exit, and peeps from my class push their way in.

but I stay put. throw my Uggs in the corner and make my way slowly into the sweaty studio. unfortunately, the wobble and slowness does not help me with my mat placement options.

once I find a home in the center of the room and acquire all my items (two blankets, a block, and a strap), I lie back on my mats stretched out. finally. I look up at the ceiling half expecting a spotlight to turn on overhead.

okay, not so bad from this perspective, I say to myself. plenty of room on either side of me. I can do this.

but then…I look over to my right when I hear feet padding towards me. you’re not going to stop. please don’t stop near me, I repeat. watching as I see a guy getting ready to roll out his mat a foot a way from mine.

ummm…too close, I hiss at him in my head.

too late. like a good yogi, I get to my feet and move my mats over and away from him. seriously, people!

I ignore the fact that now I’m too close to the woman on my right. though, grateful that I did not fall flat on my face with this stealth move.

the instructor takes her place 10 feet in front of me, and has us sit up and cross our legs.

actually not so bad now, I can actually see her from the almost center of the room.

she begins by saying, “there is peace in the stillness.”

okay, I breathe. I like this girl. she talks my talk. she even almost quoted my pendant that I’m wearing from one of my best girlfriends. and she’s in damn good shape. note to self: good inspiration.

she says,pay attention to what our bodies are saying to us. this is how we use our intuition.

uh huh. right. my intuition has been on hibernation for the last six months.

listen to your body, and pay attention when something hurts or doesn’t work right.

ok, that I can do.

take a child’s pose whenever you need a break.

sweet! oh wait, I’m not in the back of the room, I can’t do that. people will notice. whatever that means.

I then suck back the tears as my legs start to buzz. I would love to know what my body is trying to tell me. (coincidentally, my therapist had just emailed me with this suggested technique.) I try to listen closely to the buzz from my mats. I touch my feet to see if I can feel them buzzing with my fingers.

nothing. I got nothing. on both counts. but they’re buzzing on the inside. how do I listen to them from the inside? I abandon that thought and start moving my body.

though, I start to hear something after we move off the floor. my legs and arms begin shaking after doing repeat table, cow, and scared cat poses…everything wants to keep moving.

keep moving no matter how much you have to modify the pose…or abandon ship half way through a pose if it’s just too hard, is what I hear. but keep your body moving.

so I pay close attention to how my body likes the poses or doesn’t like them. I don’t even attempt to balance on one foot. and I stay on my knees when we are supposed to be lunging and twisting our hearts to the heavens in Crescent pose.

it is exhausting.

after a few sun salutes, I wonder, hmmm…will anyone notice if I leave right now?

yes, yes, they will is the answer that comes back.

I make it to the end of class. sighing with relief as soon it’s time for Shavasana, which I think goes by way too quickly.

wowzer. on the way home, the reality sinks in: MS has definitely taken its toll on me. that is very clear.

but I have to keep moving. it will win if I don’t.


tomorrow I will go to restoratives. where all I have to do is lie around in completely supported poses…and work on my meditation skills.

that is more my style. for the moment. 🙂



6 thoughts on “leaning in…

  1. Congratulations, several congratulations are in order…. let’s see, you made it there!!, you made it into the room!!, even though you didn’t get your favorite spot you still stayed!!, thoughts going through your head… but you still hung on to the end!! Awesome!! You are!! 🙂

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