I have been thinking a lot about faith…you know…since I have some free time on my hands. might as well keep busy. ha! as my therapist said to me last week (and I paraphrase) a mind not being occupied by work, allows you to access more power than you ever knew was there. huh.
knowing without knowing. and trusting without seeing. that’s how I sum up faith.
you probably have your own description. words that you use to describe your faith. I have been reading a lot about faith the last two weeks. and with the opening of my mind, I experienced an epiphany driving to my therapy appointment last Friday while listening to Caroline Myss’ audio book: Energy Anatomy. (she is genius by the way…and from Oak Park, IL! I always knew intuitively good things are from Chicago! 🙂
the moment was mystical and magical. unlike any moment I have ever experienced. it riddled my body with goosebumps on top of goosebumps. it cannot be easily described with words.
but…I finally get it. I understand why and how I made it through all the years not knowing who I was and why things happened the way they did. and I am finally at peace.
sidebar>>>remind me to tell you about an amazing mediation I had last week. lights flickered. seriously. it was wild. turns out God doesn’t always clearly show or tell you the way.
especially when you’re not paying attention…as I had been doing for most of my life.
let me take you back in time – abridged version.
as a baby in Belgium and England, I was never baptized. but grew up to attend an Anglican elementary school. I was ashamed that I was on the outside, looking in. so I tried to hide. I felt like a charlatan in my little pink and white gingham school uniform. I didn’t feel worthy of understanding the Bible. I never paid attention in Sunday school when we would visit California – it didn’t matter because I had never been baptized. turns out that at six, I was already plugged into an ancestral universal belief – thou shall not lie.
insert all the moves back and forth from England to California – and then California to England – and then back to California – here.
I formally turned my back on God completely when we landed in California for good.
God? who’s that? if he/she/it does exist where is he?? I wanted to shout.
my world was crumbling before my eyes, and I could not believe that any God would allow that to happen. one of my friends in tenth grade took me to a religious lunch. I left early. it made my skin crawl. or did it? she asked me afterwards why I left. I said, I don’t believe in God, I don’t want to, not to mention I have never been baptized. she said, give it time. plus you can still be baptized as an adult. I walked away from her. she doesn’t get it is what I told myself.
fast forward to husband #1. the feeling that God left me alone on that one intensified. but I survived by my own inner strength to get out. little did I know then that God was there all along. gently guiding me.
then my career took off and I got super busy paying attention to what I thought was important in life – make money, pay off my credit cards, continue to move up in the ranks at work, do a good job (and all will be well!), invest in a beautiful piece of property, and take great vacations – but all decisions were made with no regard for whether or not those things actually contributed to an authentic sense of fulfillment and contentment in the present. or contributed to saving the world. ha!
another sidebar>>>through all that, I fell in love with an Irish-Catholic! who attended Catholic school until he was 18! sidebar#2>>>I knew I was going to be with him in 1999, just by seeing his name on an org chart.
God was clearly watching me. but I chose to ignore that minor detail after meeting my future husband.
God wanted to see how I would use the gifts He gave me: curiosity. courage. resilience. intelligence. creativity.
but I still discounted my gifts. self-saboteur is my lot-archetype in life. ha! more work to do on that one!
so He threw me a few bigger curveballs to see if I would really pay attention. first time was when my left eye stopped working. that was just interesting. but it didn’t shift my view on life, despite the literal physical shift in how I saw the world.
then when our condo hit a wall and flipped us upside down.
followed with major changes at work. layoffs. tons of hours. unhappy co-workers. and staff.
still no shift. no, I take that back…it had started to wiggle in 2006. shift happens. slowly. sometimes quickly.
so I started reading a lot. and exploring. self-help. I read up on different religions. and then decided a-ha! that’s what I’m missing – I should be baptized – that will solve everything!! so I was baptized in early 2010. and then realized that just by participating in the act of baptism does not change one’s life immediately until one is ready to completely let faith in.
end of 2010, I started to pick up speed and I knew I had to stop running away from and back into my past. so I signed up to be trained as a life-coach in 2011. and hell, did that melt down a lot of my life long beliefs and exacerbated every insecurity I have been carrying around for years. in order to learn and grow.
then MS took me for a ride half way through the year. which grabbed my attention to the point that I could not look back any longer.
so back to my epiphany.
turns out what I labeled BIG things in my life didn’t mean anything. at all. other than they just got me to where I am, right now.
everything that comprised my life story and how hard it was on the inside and outside – really was insignificant. all just gentle nudges from God to start paying attention to what I can do to give back. and make my own way. to start appreciating the present. to figure out who I am, on my own. listen to my inner voice. and use it. start writing.
I ignored my inner voice for most of my life…until now…whaaaat? crazy, huh?
I’m officially unplugging from my life long beliefs that do not serve me or others. and starting to really live and heal in the present.
from what do you want to unplug? I would be honored to hear!
PS>>that was a long one, eh? 😉