one year.

it was a year ago today that I woke up with half my body completely dissected from the control of my mind.

crazy.  that was a year ago?!  can’t believe it.  but I can.

so much can happen in a year.  in a day.  in a minute.

still have a few trailing symptoms.  as my neurons attempt to fire as normally as possible.  skidding across areas all ready scarred.

thank God I stopped flaring in March!

most days I forget that I even have MS.  until I have a phantom electric shock.  heat-flash.  buzzing in my legs.  foot cramps – ouch!  extreme fatigue out of the blue. monster migraine.

such is life.  lots of peeps have it way worse than me; I have nothing to complain about!

though the last few weeks my mind has been on edge with 7/29 looming in the distance.  today is almost over, and nothing has happened.

kinda anti-climactic, huh?!  I’ll take it!

the hub and I had a perfect day yesterday.  and today.

from here.  where do I go?

proceed with caution as I forage my way through Myers-Briggs training (love it!).  and EFT training (love it!).

both so full-filling!

that is all I can think about right now, as I just want to go along with the rest of my life.  as normally as possible.

living every day to the fullest.

xo
ps.  thanks for sharing my journey…you peeps have no idea how much all your comments and support has meant to me. keep y’all posted!
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the choice is yours.

update 7/23:  so…it turns out Gregg Braden…does not to do his due diligence with his outsourced vendors.   causing some very unsatisfied customers as a result!  guess he didn’t read 4 Hour Work Week – ha!

~

I listened to an interview with Gregg Braden yesterday.  genius.  he seems to keep showing up in my energy field.

a.  through Jeannette Maw.  yeah, see addendum above.  

b.  through a hay house email.

and then c.  the recorded interview with him from last week.

his books are now on my TO READ list.  oh…and then after a. b. and c., a new  buddy on FB posts a photo with a quote from Gregg.

love it when things like this happen!

so anyway, he discussed what is going to happen on and after 12/21/12.

something that is all ready happening.

the globe is shifting consciousness.  and accelerates towards the new consciousness every day.

can you feel it?  I can.

after >5K years(!) of global war, ego, strife.  on a massive scale.  financial crisis.  energy crises.  global warming (though that is just the Earth’s natural cycle).

he also talked about the hadron collider.  and the ‘something‘ discovery.  is that God.  or isn’t it?  super cool.  that we are in an age, when… what was once a norm.  has now been refuted – we cannot continue to ignore that science  must consider conscious energy.  kinda like when we thought the earth was flat.

and now, here we are now leaning into a new time.

I, for one, can’t wait to see what is around the corner!

jobs changing.  (there is only so long that employees will do the work of three people – ha!)  small pharma. pre-existing condition qualifiers.  un-genetically modified food.  property sharing.

what used to be normal for our parents and grandparents.  will no longer be the norm for future generations.  a new norm is on the horizon.

hold on tight.  or free fall into it.  the choice is yours!

how cool is that?  scary cool. indeed.

xo

ps.  hands down.  the most risky commercial I have seen in ages.  still love it even two years later!  gotta take big risks for big successes!

over-committed?

huh?

what connotations does the above bring to the surface for you? I would love to hear!

see…I seem to have self-inflicted my over-commitment for too many things that I love…last year was for SURE…my year of over-committment x10! stress exacerbates MS flares. turns out.

here is where I still over-commit…

a. my work ethic in my corporate life. do I love that? hmmm. yes. maybe. yes. depends what we’re discussing. or what problems are on the table. and how interesting either are. ha! just kidding. work these days is full of emails. for everyone. who else is lost in email city? I try to encourage my work peeps NOT to email. but sometimes…it’s just easier…I suppose…until the replies and replies-to-all stack up….and then one is trying to figure out where to jump back on the train. or press DELETE. without uncovering the CYA. ok. getting off topic here! I will return to my list.

b. time with my husband. he might beg to differ. on occasion. but he’s an effort-null focus point for me. done. 🙂 easy-peasy.

c. my quest for LEARNing. MS might also attempt to beg to differ on that one. but I will rebuttal (is that even a verb?). huh. maybe MS got me on that one. ha!

d. my time. no brainer. that’s a given. now. I will always make time for me. even if it’s only 15 minutes a day (this I did not do at all last year!). I’m the only one who can control that. call me selfish. maybe. but who else will watch out for me, but me? maybe my hub…(I can all ready feel his eyes rolling at that comment 🙂

e. writing. see #d. (btw, that always cracks me up when peeps write # before a letter in an address!). even my writing has a priority scale. i.e,. my morning pages and blog have preceded fiction (and reading!) on the priority list. not sure what to do about my blog. huh. 😉 I have an idea…

not sure where this post is going, but it is spilling out. I am officially in pursuit of learning EFT. classes started last night. all good. I love it. it works. so letter c is temporarily at the top of the priority list. well, ahem, A is always there.

then the next thing I know I will love – MBTI certification training – begins next week. ~40 hours. in 60 days. I can do that. whilst working 10 hours a day. not including travel time. but I will give it a go. and at the same time as EFT training.

hmmm…maybe I’m procrastinating writing my book. ya think? 😉 as my coach friends might want to say…I have a hunch, that you’re too busy being busy to write your book? tell me where I’m wrong. and is that true? 😉

ummm. I can’t be absolutely sure it’s true. but, you might be getting warmer. 🙂

so…where does this leave my fiction: on a slight hiatus before I repost excerpts from my book(s). EFT and MBTI…calls…for the next eight weeks.

and then Anya, Jill, and the Tate will be back on the scene.

keep y’all posted!

how do you prioritize your time?

PS. I can’t wait to see what those crazy kids are up to.

xo

a pain in the neck. not!

neuro visit #4… for my cervical spinal cord MRI results today.

a slew of thoughts, emotions, and feelings always descend any time the MS topic is on the table. especially when there is a professional at the helm. and a novice researcher on the poop deck. (that would be me, btw.)

with this MRI…I can officially say to my last two neuros, “see, look right there, I told you so...!” if they are even interested. Gertrude was proud. ha!

so…turns out, I have a handful of inactive (yeah!) lesions on my spinal cord in this area. between C4-6 and then a smattering around my Thoracic spinal cord.

oh, and then a few on my brain stem.

uh huh. the part of the brain that mostly regulates all autonomic body functions. huh. fantastic.

eeek. how freaky is that? that is what mostly threw me for a loop today.

but, now I know why I have been having so many strange sensations and other bizarre things show up over the last three years. it’s right there. in black and white.

get this>;>;>;I even have had olfactory issues as a result of the brain stem lesions. things don’t smell or taste like I know they should smell. weird. that showed up in 2006. crazy.

my hub has to be so tired of me asking him if what I’m drinking or eating tastes like formaldehyde. in his opinion. huh. maybe that’s how I lost eight pounds over the last ten months?! nothing tastes good anymore! (don’t worry, I have been working on gaining some weight back – and I’m up four pounds now. and stopping here. 😉

also got the blood test results from the 27 vials of blood drawn in April…or was it 28?

results in: I officially have MS. and that’s it.

nothing else is wrong with me. I don’t have lead, arsenic, or mercury poisoning. or an anti-coagulant issue. or LUPUS. or HIV. or any other auto-immune disorder known to woman. I’m not deficient in a variety of vitamins. my glucose is not out of whack. nor do I have ALS. everything is within ‘range.’ and…my WBC count seems to be settling down – that is so GOOD! my lymph nodes are no longer the size of marbles. ha!

all of the above…a huge YEAH!

so, all I have is MS. that is SO cool. I’ll take it. back in 2005, MS was the optimal disease on the table. so that’s what I got. phew!

(sidebar>;>;careful for what you hope and wish will happen to you. it might just happen.)

today was a great day. it really was.

every day matters. pay attention to one’s thoughts. and, take care of you!! be kind to your body and soul. you are the only one in control of that. 🙂

xo

ps. the doc said that after I have my brain MRI in September…and after BG12 has been approved by the FDA…and out in the market for six months…he will switch me to the oral disease modifying drug if I want. LOVE it! the daily injections are wreaking havoc on my body (but I don’t care…uh huh. right.) he said I’ll be in line behind 3,000,000 other people. in the world.

pps. have a GREAT weekend. the hub and I are celebrating our seven-year wedding anniversary tomorrow night! love it. love him. love us!

first draft drama.

scene:  night-time.  sloppy, single bedroom apartment.  lit by a lone soft red light.  front door thrown open.  coffee table smothered in disorganized mags. and an ashtray overstuffed with cigarettes.  one firefighter.  Anya.  and the Tate.  in his firefighting garb.  the air is thick.  with remnants of a personal struggle.

~

“You, my lovely, need someone to take better care of you,” he says and taps my nose as I look up into his eyes. 

I blink and one last tear rolls down my right cheek.

The reality of what just happened suddenly snaps to the front of my foggy attention, and I revert to the immediate problem at hand.  

“Oh sh*t, did I tell you?  Jill has MS.”   

“We know.  While I was keeping an eye on you after you passed out, the other guys found her emergency bracelet.  Not that she needs one for MS.  But I suppose it never hurts.”  

“That’s my Jill-ie,” I reply.

c. 2012, erin

~

ugh, I hate, hate it!

posting an excerpt from what I have all ready written sure has unleashed my harsh inner lizard critic (her name is Gertrude.  Gertrude likes to voice her opinions at the most inopportune times!)

but if I don’t do it, I won’t do it! make sense Gertrude?  ha! (I get to smack her on the nose when she starts to wail.)

sorry peeps, this might become a new nasty habit.

though I found that as I just CTRLed + C and CTRLed + V>>>I Gertrude wanted to rewrite, edit, and revise entirely.

but.  I’m not allowing myself to edit.

otherwise, I will never finish it!  hush, Gertrude!

so this is straight from my first draft of the full monty or call of the mild.  haven’t settled on a title yet.

I’ll see how it plays out.  and then decide.  I have written myself into a circle with what I have.  so I will just rip it apart and put the sheets back together… after I’m done with my first draft.  🙂

xo

independence.

happy 4th of July!

my father-in-law’s favorite holiday.

miss you, Jerry!

and I never even had the privilege of meeting you.

but I am blessed to know you through your son.   your daughters.  and my mother-in-law.

thank you, God, for bringing my amazing hub to me!

poof…that just made me tear up, writing all that!

on to happier topics!  wait, those were clean tears.  those are just fine!

so, today, I received an email that I was NOT selected for Every Day Matters.

disappointment galore.

before my thoughts turned to stinky thoughts…

I took a shower, and washed off my self-deprecating thoughts.  and what was not meant to be.

and emerged renewed.

I asked myself…what is perfect about this development?

answer…

it gives me more time outside of work to pursue other things that interest me!

such as…the class on EFT that I signed up for last weekend.

…and the online course for Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) certification!

(well, haven’t signed up for that one yet…but now I will for sure!)

reread my life coaching materials…

oh, and keep writing!

yeah!

better feeling thoughts – always the goal.  in my book.

thoughts create emotion.

emotion creates action.  or in-action.  or new action.

what do you do with your thoughts?  I would love to hear!

hope you have a wonderful day of independence!  😉

xo

bloomin’ peacock.

my girlfriend and I walked through Irvine Regional Park this morning while my hub and his buds biked off-road.

I love this park! it is a piece of the wild in the OC.

for starters, there are a bunch of stabled horses. tails flicking the heat (and flies) away.

okay, okay, not so wild. but very impressive. and in typical OC fashion, they turned noses away at the stale straw I offered.

(note to selves, as discussed…next time we do this, we are bringing treats!)

brave bunnies. darting across the bike trails.

and then wild peacocks and peahens. strutting their stuff.

everywhere! in their full royal costume.

I knew this going in as I have been to the park quite a few times. when I used to ride. before what happened last year. you know, after I fell off my bike. ha!

I have always loved the peacocks – come on – really? the boys get all the majesty?

turns out it is the peahens who have all the power. 😉

before we embarked upon our walk, I set the intention to find a peacock feather. seriously.

and see a peacock bloom. yep, that too.

after spending some quality time with the horses, we round a corner and come across a peacock, up close. gorgeous. stunning. glistening.

of course, I put my camera away by the time we came across this guy. foiled!

I greedily eyed his cascading three-foot long feathers. drop one, will ya? and show ’em off first? I mentally pleaded.

and then quickly realized how grabby I was for something that I could not control. so I turned away, and shook it off. mentally.

and then my eyes land on a coppery feather about a foot long. I walk over for closer inspection.

do you think this came from him? I ask my girlfriend.

I don’t know. maybe.

I pick it up. quill quality. and returned to the peacock.

I notice an identical flock of feathers on his side. that don’t match his blue vibe. I hold the feather up in front of me to gauge if this came from him.

color match. exactly.

yep, this is a peacock feather. yeah!

we continue on our walk, and notice two more peacocks in front of us. one of them heads straight for us, and looks like queen victoria, with his train following him as he waddles.

but we then quickly direct our attention to a third peacock nosing a nearby stable.

in full bloom!

one of the the coolest things I have ever seen – never seen the peacock fan before.

this birdie could not be more proud of his accomplishment. vigorously fluttering his copper and indigo tail feathers underneath his self-erected (ha!) canopy.

but.

the nearby peahen just ignored him, after he turned around and around for her as if he was on a rotating pedestal in a Bloomingdales window on 5th Ave.

darn. still no camera. but all we could do is watch this bird for ten minutes in total oneness with what was going on.

and then he slowly deflated his bloom after realizing that the hen was no where to be found. poor guy. better luck next time.

so cool!

today was a good lesson in NOT being attached to an outcome. (I have been testing this theory quite a bit lately.)

it worked beautifully, literally. as soon as I let it go. what I wanted. happened. not so much for the peacock though!

what has happened for you, once you have let go of something? I would love to hear!!

PS. note to self, I have tried this ‘letting go’ before checking a lottery ticket. but the thought, this will be THE winner! always seems to edge in there right before I check the winning numbers! so we never win. ha!

xo

letting go…