breathing out.

sometimes, it can be hard to get to this point.

evacuating all the air from my lungs.

so why do I wait so long to let it out?

when I know

how exhilarating.

and freeing

it feels.

off work for a week.  and have spent the last four days, holding my breath.  even with my lovely sister in town for a visit!

still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

so with classic law of attraction:  the shoe dropped.

two days ago.

and I just now let all the air out of my body.

but have I let it all go?

for the right now,

yes.

guess that’s what life is all about…working with and through what has been handed to us.  in each and every moment.  and preventing the yuck from sticking around.  or evaluating the yuck for what it is:  yuck!

I believe that we are all here to learn to be happy and reconnect with our essential self (spirit, soul, whatever!).

but some days the universe (God) has other plans.

can be hard to see the benefit (if there is one!) in the moment.

that is the ego interfering!

at the moment…reading Martha Beck’s memoir, Expecting Adam.  goosebumps.  amazing what we can experience when we open ourselves to seeing the unseen.

xo

ps.  brain MRI scheduled for later today.  which may be interfering.  but I know my brain feels strong.  and healthy.  I haven’t had a migraine in at least four weeks!

pps.  still working on call of the mild.  mostly in my head.  but it continues to brew.  and have myers-briggs to distract me from my stinky thoughts!  passed exam #2.   🙂

too much?

so here it goes.

turns out. my personality type sees what is unseen.

really the only one out of the bunch.

ok. I take that last sentence back; there are a couple others. 🙂

and my type is also on a the eternal quest for self-discovery.

really?

go figure. who knew?

I was at dinner the other night with one of my best friends and my hub (both of the type that is considered my type’s cousin)…and my BF asked how the MBTI training is going…I replied…it turns out my personality type is just not a good match for Corporate America!

in complete shock, still, as I revealed this discovery!

they both responded immediately and simultaneously, d’uh!

huh. right. yes.

revelation #1.

though I think I have amplified my tertiary function – Thinking. probably overkill on that one.

to be honest.

but at least enough to persevere in the corporate world! yeah!

which is cool.

so.

my type is why I started my blog.

to deconstruct my MS thoughts. and life thoughts.

much to my mother’s chagrin. (this is why she no longer follows me.)

{by the way, this is so not my type to be so candid about others!}

but, this is how I communicate. and how everyone with the same set of preferences prefers to communicate what’s going on, on the inside.

so….everything is making sense to me these days.

way cool, while loving and hating it at the same time.

learning why I am the way I am.

after a life time of so many people telling me who and what I am.

why am I not more _____? or more like _____?

not new for any one of us, huh!?

many have classified me as…

a weirdo.

too sensitive. (oh boy, have I gotten my share of that one!)

too selfish.

too quiet.

too serious.

and too aloof. (sidebar>;>;>;I loved it when someone told me they thought I was a total snob until they talked to me! me…in shock! me: you don’t really know me do you?)

too much wanting to have fun. always in the wrong locations. British sense of humour. 😉

and just way too diplomatic.

(oh, if only I had unbridled my candor on that one!)

too caring.

too positive.

wanting to make a difference too much. for things that don’t count to other peeps.

(eeeegads!)

and too interested in helping success meet up with others.

and scan too much on different things. many different things. to see what fits. (really. I have been back in school trying different things since 2002!)

until I find the perfect fit.

after all my recent studies of different personality types…oh my goodness, do I wish I was more of E and more of S and more of T and more of P…(mostly more S and P!)…

but I’m not.

I am who I am.

and that’s okay too.

xo

play date.

I was invited to a sacred play date yesterday by my friend, Lori.

to create something true. from clay.

what fun!!

welcoming women. love that! like-minded ladies. even better!

what a super-cool few hours.

we watched. rolled. molded. watched some more. talked. learned. started over. and above all: became present in the moment.

and then we slammed our pieces on the floor!

at first, we all voiced our opinions about the idea.

whaaaat?? no way! I love what I have created!! I don’t want to destroy something that I have made! I never make anything, why destroy it?!

(all this despite the self-deprecating thoughts that showed up after we first started molding!)

so Lori, stood up. and smashed her perfectly crafted mug.

and I pitched my tri-skele. from my seated position at the table.

it was so small. no one noticed. but I didn’t care. I just loved that I did it!

and then one by one. we all stood up and slammed our pieces on the hardwood floor.

the three pieces I created…a tribute…to what is coming. my book. note: one survived the liberation. 😉

in the end, we were all in awe of creating something even more beautiful and meaning-full.

love, love that!

so cool. and we are going to glaze our smashed pieces in November! awesome.

of course while all this was going on, my brain started calculating.

how can I bring myers-briggs and eft to a play date?

don’t know the details yet, but I will.

umm…just have to finish each course first!

what a fantastic weekend!

now, I must go study.

xox

motherhood?

wow.

what a long journey I have traveled with this one.

conclusion: somewhat out of beyond reach.

I still recall the days after I had abandoned my birth control pills back in January 2009.

in tears. happy.

what are we doing?? I asked weeks later with tears dripping. while I reached for the pack of pills eager to restart.

what do you want to do? he asked gently.

what do you want to do, I replied. egging him on to make this decision for me.

no conclusion.

I never wanted to have children. but I did. and didn’t. and did again. he didn’t either. we used to joke about having triplets.

where is this coming from?? I pleaded to someONE. tell me what to do. my body has been in MPD mode for years now. and now the dreaded AMA (advanced maternal age) has descended. bahhh!

now, here I am. at 38. 38?? eeeks.

too old to think about babies!

but look at all your friends having babies later in life?

two voices. no resolution.

and MS has now joined the chorus.

huh.

yes, yes, I know that getting pregnant is supposed to be good for MS. but then NOT afterwards. what if I have a monster-flare after having a baby. what use would I be then?

how could I do that to an innocent baby?? a soul that didn’t ask to be borne to a family and MS?

the answer still escapes me. but I go back to my pre-MS days.

what would I do if I didn’t have MS?

no answer. even then. and even now.

but…beyond my eternal question.

I like my life just the way it is. we love our life. just the way it is. hmmmm.

and yet it is killing me that one of my supervisors and his wife are expecting their first baby.

and then I recoil. feeling as if I’m older than my 38 years. how could my body handle renting out space? not to mention my emotional space?

I know myself.

and I know I would give myself 110% to a child. growing up with my child. exploring. amazed at learning new things. loving.

how amazing it would be to raise a child with my hub’s intelligence. and all that we have both learned through life’s lessons. so far.

so we look at each other with a nod. we know we could do it. but. not now. knowing how hard it is. and understanding that there is no perfect time. and what we would have to sacrifice.

huh.

back to square 1.

resetting by proxy is sometimes required.

so yeah.  struggled with resetting this week.

and felt completely out of alignment with the real me.

that is so ancient history!

Gertie wanted to find some FEAR in her life.  so she made some up.

genius, she is.  my lizard brain.  crafty bugger!

she was tired of being ignored.  so decided to make me pay attention to her.  she started with some evil whispers…watch out.  what are you doing??   what do you think you are doing? 

which quickly evolved into criticism.  trying to take a risk, are you?  silly girl.  this is going to end up in the loo.  and you are going to be a mess as a result.  you better run, dear.  fight or flight!  you know you always pick the flight.  don’t ya?  she cackled and goaded me for most of Thursday and all of Friday.

until I ended up a heap of a blubbering mess Friday night.  at my own hands.  all my life coaching skills.  locked out.  Gertie likes to shut the front door on them.

gotta love that.  no, really, NOT.

so.  my hub had to reset me.

because…for the first time in a long time, I could not do it myself.  I was such a mess.  because I had been feeding Gertie the treats she loves to snack on.  the self-deprecating remarks.  the, I’ll never amount to anything, comments.  the, why am I so different from everyone else?  new one – eureka!  this is why no one gets me – I’m an INFJ.  why did I have to get stuck with such a sucky MBTI type…the one that is destined for a challenging life?  oh yeah.  and let’s not forget:  why did I get shafted with MS?  waaaahhhh.  waaaaahhh!  (side bar>>> actually, the waaahhs are more for literary effect.  since I’m an I – I don’t really vocalize my hysterics.  😉

really?  come on, you have such a bad life?  my hub snapped at me, pausing my tears.

and starting the reset cycle.  he followed by listing everything that is going well in our lives.

then he made me smile.  and laugh.

what in the h*ll did I do to land this amazing man??  oh wait.  don’t start-up again.  😉

beautiful!  one of my finer moments.  but looking back.  the hub and I both had a hard week.  which is probably why my F (see above) wanted to extravert all over the place by Friday evening.  (fyi, the ‘a’ in extrAvert is courtesy of Jung 🙂  oh.  and I learned again about my inner critic in EFT training on Monday.  huh.  wonder why Gertie showed up this week?  d’uh!

lesson from MS.  live in the moment.  that is ALL any one of us has.  EVER.  life can suck in the moment.  then it doesn’t.  and it’s beautiful and fun again.  the cycle continues.

so why waste the present on something that hasn’t even happened yet?  I used to do this all the time!  probably why I was blessed with MS.  to teach me the afore-mentioned lesson.

my hub also pointed out the fact that we have a living embodiment and reminder to do just that.  nodding his head at our Monty.  who was just standing there, smile on her face, tongue hanging lopsided, tail wagging.

live in the moment.  think about it.

xox

ps.  thanks for letting me vomit all over the page.  though I’m feeling so much better today after resetting last night!

pps.  and to all my co-INFJs out there.  no offense.  please!  you peeps know that self-discovery is in our soul make-up.  😉  xo