motherhood?

wow.

what a long journey I have traveled with this one.

conclusion: somewhat out of beyond reach.

I still recall the days after I had abandoned my birth control pills back in January 2009.

in tears. happy.

what are we doing?? I asked weeks later with tears dripping. while I reached for the pack of pills eager to restart.

what do you want to do? he asked gently.

what do you want to do, I replied. egging him on to make this decision for me.

no conclusion.

I never wanted to have children. but I did. and didn’t. and did again. he didn’t either. we used to joke about having triplets.

where is this coming from?? I pleaded to someONE. tell me what to do. my body has been in MPD mode for years now. and now the dreaded AMA (advanced maternal age) has descended. bahhh!

now, here I am. at 38. 38?? eeeks.

too old to think about babies!

but look at all your friends having babies later in life?

two voices. no resolution.

and MS has now joined the chorus.

huh.

yes, yes, I know that getting pregnant is supposed to be good for MS. but then NOT afterwards. what if I have a monster-flare after having a baby. what use would I be then?

how could I do that to an innocent baby?? a soul that didn’t ask to be borne to a family and MS?

the answer still escapes me. but I go back to my pre-MS days.

what would I do if I didn’t have MS?

no answer. even then. and even now.

but…beyond my eternal question.

I like my life just the way it is. we love our life. just the way it is. hmmmm.

and yet it is killing me that one of my supervisors and his wife are expecting their first baby.

and then I recoil. feeling as if I’m older than my 38 years. how could my body handle renting out space? not to mention my emotional space?

I know myself.

and I know I would give myself 110% to a child. growing up with my child. exploring. amazed at learning new things. loving.

how amazing it would be to raise a child with my hub’s intelligence. and all that we have both learned through life’s lessons. so far.

so we look at each other with a nod. we know we could do it. but. not now. knowing how hard it is. and understanding that there is no perfect time. and what we would have to sacrifice.

huh.

back to square 1.

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9 thoughts on “motherhood?

  1. Beautiful post, E. Eyes and heart wide open. Either way, you are already okay…or as a wise friend once said, so much more than okay….much love to you and Tim. xoxo

  2. I love this one. So familiar to me is the yes and the no. Should we or shouldn’t we. Either way, your life is beautiful and perfect. And as it is meant to be.

    (Incidentally, I never knew that pregnancy is supposed to be good for MS. That’s interesting! I would have assumed the opposite so I’m glad I understand that now).

    Beautiful writing… As always. 🙂

    • thx 35mommy!!! that is the eternal question…I suppose with everything – should we or shouldn’t we! the goal is to live with un-regret – regardless!! yes, apparently, the CNS is pre-occupied while renting space to a babe. 😉 xoxo

  3. I too love this. I get a little gitty. The way Ellis has changed me. And my life. Wow! I’m glad I didn’t have to decide. It just happened… just as it should. xo

    • thx!! that is what we have said…if it is supposed to happen…it wiill. or won’t!
      great seeing you yesterday, lady!!! xoxo
      ps…I want to buy your squashed bowl. 🙂 loved, it!! when you have time…!!

  4. Pingback: Motherhood? | 35mommy

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