blogomania etc.

why am I sitting here bouncing back and forth between all my open Safari tabs?

it’s Halloween.

and really not that exciting! we never get trick-or-treaters. ūüė¶

or neighborhood parents trick-or-treating for adult treats – i.e., shots! ūüėČ

but what did show up>;>;>; my new biz cards…whaaaat??!!

can’t get too excited. I am. and then I settle down. nonchalant. eh. who me. in business for myself. that’s right.

uh huh. when have I ever been nonchalant? never.

so turns out this week has been tiring.

I’m tired. both the hub and I are tired.

for him checking out bike trails online relaxes.

and for me bouncing around online relaxes.

and then stresses.

because I’m not doing.

need to reread Martha Beck’s The Joy Diet…the art of doing nothing is a hard one to master.

awesome book btw if you haven’t read it! if you like self-help type books. ūüėČ

too much rolling through my brain of late.

top billing in the brain wiring: my new biz is official!

mind body gallery is now open!

BUT, still have a bunch of things to do in order to drop the cherry on top. but I’m not doing anything yet. i.e., first priority = building out my website. WordPress has not been my friend lately. so taking a break.

huh.

maybe I’m doing nothing in the wrong area.

my bouncing around is my anxiety-driven doing nothing. because I’m doing something while doing nothing.

had a major reset last night after talking through my Monday malaise. ’twas more than it just being a Monday.

a. it’s my mother-in-law’s birthday today. and I won’t get to talk to her.

b. I am not currently enrolled in any sort of class. or training program. or anything. other than a hypnosis seminar on Saturday afternoon. handwriting analysis included. can’t wait to see what he thinks of my MS induced sloppy handwriting!

the hub and I are going out later tonight to toast to THE MRS. GRIFF.

geesh, I miss her! just spooled through my sister-in-law’s FB snaps (during my evening bouncing, and then Maura showed up).

ouch. that hit a nerve.

with her gone…my only peace is that I know she is at peace.

as a result…today I knew I needed to do something. (I don’t have any more MBTI assessments scheduled until next week.)

so I decided I would challenge myself to post 50 blog posts in the month of November.

rather than doing a novel in a month – I’ll cram 50 blogs into a month. that sounds much less stressful than 50K words. check it – millions of people do this every November! that one is on my bucket-list fo’shizzle!

www.nanowrimo.org

heads up>;>;>;November won’t be pretty for my posts. I suspect they will be more cavalier. messy. definitely typos galore. and maybe even some fiction!

can’t wait to see what spills out!

what are you going to do in November?!

xo

tmi! no, not really.

[sidebar>>>here’s where a stream of consciousness unfolds to where I am. ¬†right now. ¬†this blog took a sharp turn down history lane after I wrote the first sentence.]

sometimes I get overwhelmed by all the information out there…

period. ¬†I worry about what I could be missing! ¬†what if a class fills up and I can’t take it until next year!? ¬†what if I miss a special limited offer? ¬†what if I forget about something that looked super cool!

probably have the www to blame for this stress!

what did we do before the web?? ¬†really. ¬†you wouldn’t be reading this – ha!

I can’t even imagine. ¬†though I managed just fine in my college years. ¬†old school.

but, omgoodness!  how my life would have been different if the www was alive and pulsing every second.   my sisters are so lucky!  they never knew anything different!

for one, it would have been so much easier to research colleges.

I wanted to go out of state…but couldn’t get access to information on what moving to a new state would be like!

really, I couldn’t have figured it out?! ¬†seriously?

even sent away for applications to Dartmouth, Cornell, Boston, and Northwestern¬†my sophomore year @ UCI.¬† ooooh yeah…! ¬†the thought of going somewhere else far away gave me goosebumps! ¬†gives me goosebumps now thinking back to how close I was to making a brilliant life changing decision when I was 19!

(no instead decided to make the most stupid life-changing decision a few years later! ha!)

I never submitted one app. ¬†nose just wrinkled on its own when I wrote that last sentence. ¬†really? ¬†that’s my body-talk.

even when I was still in high school, I dreamed of going to school in the Pacific Northwest.  out of the blue I began receiving offers to visit the University of Puget Sound?  so applied to Humboldt State as my back-up safety school.  wanted to apply to Berkeley and Santa Barbara, but I received a wrinkled nose from my live-in parent on that idea.   so I never applied.

I even visualized that I was going to University of PS…and would lie in bed at night, dreaming of how relaxed it would be. ¬†and cold. ¬†how much I would get on with my roommate and new friends. ¬†it would be like living in England again. ¬†beautiful!

it then occurred to me that I would be totally on my own. ¬†huh. ¬†not that I wasn’t used to that! ¬†but something just stopped me from even submitting an app. ¬†as then I would not be faced with a DECISION.

that was the first time in my life that I consciously chose to ignore my inner body compass which was clearly talking to me. ¬†at me. ¬†loudly. ¬†pushing me. ¬†edging me to take a risk. ¬†I can’t tell you how many brochures I digested over and over again in high school and during my first couple years @ UCI. ¬†how many lives I dreamed about evolving. ¬†into my own. ¬†I even conjured up my hub – whom I would one day meet in Chicago. ¬†on the El. ¬†(didn’t quite work out that way – but he is from Chicago!)

what was stopping me?

I wish my adult self really knew.  and why.

what was going through my head back then?

security.  adventure.  safety.  passion.  living the life I wanted.  living a closed easy life.

there are dichotomies throughout my life. ¬†either or. ¬†never both. ¬†my mind tells me it is always either or – can’t have both. ¬†never!

but here I am presently doing both Рworking full-time in Corporate America and building out my small biz.  right now.  huh.

not so fast, dear, my fear lizard just started squawking.  there is plenty of time.

no, there’s really not, my Essential Self retaliates.

can you think of something your future self would regret your younger (current) self NOT doing?

if the answer is yes, I challenge you to dig deeper and explore why. ¬†write down what thoughts start floating in. ūüėČ

xoxo

the earth moved just a little today.

I spoke to someone today who has a family member with MS.

she got the MS in her late 20s. ¬†she’s 46 now.

we both agreed that MS seems to be everywhere these days.

but perhaps that is just a matter of perspective.

this woman was just a few years younger than I was when the first symptom showed up.

for her, it has progressed.

she’s been in a wheel chair for the last six years.

after a good eight+ years of feeling good and strong.

unstoppable.

she is in a really bad place now.

and could possibly pass sooner rather than later.

that smacked me upside the head.

and my heart broke.

again.

that could be me in eight years.

for the first time I did not cry when faced with that reality.

instead, my eyes welled for this woman I have never met.  lying in the hospital on a ventilator.

really she could be any one of us trolling through this time-space-reality.

my own mortality feels so real close to me after last year.   even more so after my cousin passed.

I can feel the impermanence of physical life.

despite having an intense fear of being murdered in my sleep when I was ten years old …I know this is different.

thank God, I found God.

I have been so grateful to God every day for all that my hub and I have in our life…and beyond to our friends and family. ¬†coworkers. ¬†doctors. ¬†healers.

I pray that God brings peace to this woman.  whatever that looks like for her.  only she knows.

geesh.  that just spilled out of me.  must have been burrowed in there still!

sorry for the buzz-kill people!

I have been realizing more often lately that I want to provide more support for the MS community.

now that I have made peace with my MS, I know that there is more I can give and do to help others.

so I will.

through a kind ear. ¬†mentoring for newly diagnosed. ¬†life coaching. ¬†raising MS awareness. ¬†career strategy counseling. ¬†EFT. ¬†dream analysis. ¬†mind-make0vers. ¬†ūüėČ

some way, some how I’m going to make this happen. ¬†huh. ¬†not going to worry about the when. ¬†or the how. I know it’s in there waiting to bubble over!

xo

ps.  new email:  mindbodygallery@gmail.com .

30 miles? whaaaaat?

woke up this morning at a scheduled 4:30. in the AM folks.

showered the night before. in bed by 8:30 in the PM for a good eight hours of sleep.

annoyingly, was awakened at 1AM by my unhelpful sleep thoughts.

omg!

I have the 30 mile MS Ride tomorrow!

yikes. so not ready for this!

after slowly falling asleep an hour later…only to awaken to the gentle strumming of a harp.

whaaaaat?

I have to go to work now?

guess again, dear.

no, instead the hub and two super good friends are doing the MS Ride (second time for the hub and me)…or Ride MS which I suppose is its official title…

yikes. fear began to grip. again.

I have NOT been doing the training 30 miles deserves.

the most the hub and I have biked is 15 miles.

huh.

really? and my legs are still somewhat weak after last year’s episode that carried on for months.

but, we rolled out of bed.

and I blogged.

while having my coffee and two gluten-free flax laden waffles. hub walked the doggy. (geessh…do I love this man!!)

and then we hit the rainy roads.

sidebar>;>;>;the fear had started to settle in Friday.

>;I asked the captain of my work team on Friday to please do something about the forecast rain today.

>;whatever he did, it worked. it only rained throughout the car ride down to San Diego.

yeah!

and we arrived in San Diego. feeling more jazzed than in the super-early morning hours. organized. kinda raring to go. was I fooling myself?

…only to find out that the ride had been delayed due to a triathlon in San Diego.

all my energy was released in that exact moment.

yay! we (no I) don’t have to endure 30 miles!!?

but then after an hour, we started to roll.

and made a split second decision after a minor uphill climb followed down around Mission Bay: to turn left for 30 miles or turn right for 15.

after pleading with my hub before we rolled…we knew which way were going to go…

“I would really prefer to do the 15…what do you think?”

“baby, whatever you want to do.”

I looked to my team-mates.

“you’re call,” they responded…

hum.

I felt instantly guilty. (they are were all in super shape and ready to roll!)

“ummm…I kinda want to just do the 15, but you guys go ahead…” I muttered, trailing off at the end…unsure anyone heard that last bit.

still feeling guilty. I made the call again when it came to the final decision point. left or right.

I chose right. and almost fell off my bike in the process.

tonight, I recall the moment in time, when my true self, said to me, no, you’re not ready to do this…don’t push it. it’s okay.

even the 15 miles was HARD! and even after we ended up going the wrong way…(the route had to be re-mapped; a few arrows were missed)…

so we ended up only riding ten miles (!).

I have done ten miles – no problem! easy-peasy.

but unfortunately, today, my body was not cooperating.

so annoying! I kept falling behind my team…but they kept looking back to check to make sure I hadn’t ended up in the bay.

thank you!! eegads.

silly me. I committed to doing 100 next year.

when I could barely do ten today. my legs just didn’t want to line up with what my mind had envisioned for them.

don’t you MS peeps agree – it’s SO frickin’ frustrating when our bodies just want to have a mind of their own??

we’ll see how it goes…I said to my hub tonight, that I won’t decide until 2013.

tomorrow is Monday. argh!

actually, returning to work is more appealing that getting back on a bike! AND, I know I will sleep tonight. ūüôā

ha!

hope you peeps had a great weekend!

xoxo

post ride…

trying not to pee my pants.

ugh! the agony of waiting to pee!

when I am not 100% confident I can hold it!

yikes.

another blast MS side effect!

I almost peed my pants yesterday at work I had to go so desperately!

luckily I wiggled out of my jeans just in time!

presently I find myself awaiting an extended bike rack to be added to our vehicle (for tomorrow’s MS ride).

and yet again, I’m beside myself with a massive urgency to pee. no bathrooms in sight!!

I hate this shop.

‘I have to go out to the car,’ I implored my hub.

practically yanking his keys from a loose grip.

if I’m going to piss my pants I’m going to do it in private. ha!

managed to persevere. this time.

xo

intentional.

this is what my cousin’s friends said about him yesterday: ¬†he lived an intentional life.

couldn’t be more true.

I knew this. ¬†and I didn’t know it.

he was so curious.  about everything!  and loved a good debate.

I still remember driving him back to my apartment near UCI in 1993.  after catching a movie together in Fashion Island.   we had preceded the movie with all his goings-on up until that date.  I was in awe.  this is someone who knows what he wants.  I remember thinking, if only I could be that clear!  this guy is going to have one heck of a life!

on the drive back he was curious about the kind of man I wanted to marry.

whaaat?

who I would marry?

hmmm…well if I can have my choice…here is the list of 20 things that I want. ¬†intelligence and a fantastic sense of humor at the top of the list. ¬†followed by kind, caring, dark hair, light eyes…loyal…and a self-made man.” ¬†the list went on. ¬†and on.

turns out he had spent that summer deconstructing this question about his future wife with his best friend as they drove 12K miles around the US.

after I had finished prattling off my list, quite proud of it. ¬†we were caught at a light. ¬†and I asked him, “what do you want?” ¬†

“I want someone who is smart and confident…that’s it. ¬†I can make myself laugh and all that other stuff is ancillary to who a person really is.”

“oh,” I said followed by “really, that’s it?”

sheepish at this point for how self-absorbed and selfish I must have sounded.  embarrassed.

“yep, that’s it,” he replied and leaned back in his passenger seat.

huh.

that really stuck with me.  that was almost 20 years ago!  and I still remember what I was wearing.

and what we talked about pre-movie and post-movie.

I discovered he was just like me.  huh.  though, he was unequivocally smarter!  ha!  also remember that his brother called that afternoon.  he had just been admitted to Yale.  uh huh.

wow.  I remember still thinking as he ran into a dead battery in his Honda after we got to my place, this guy really knows what he wants.  and how cool is that?  how do I get some of that?  but was too shy to ask.

I wish I had asked.  I really do.

goodbye, D.

you will be missed. ¬†but your memory will live on…

I wanted to share this tale yesterday at your memorial.  but I was again too shy.  insecure.  too many doctors in the gathering.  and just when I was about to step forward, the facilitator called time.

you have taught me what being a genuine human is all about…and so this one is for you, my friend…you will be an inspiration to push myself towards the things that I know, in my soul, I want to do to help and lean into what is.

because in the end, it’s all a matter of how we live our daily lives…God took you away, because you had figured it out…and you had so much to teach the rest of us, which you did while you were here for a brief 39 years.

xoxo

ps. ¬†your wife said to my hub last night, how devastated you were by my diagnosis. ¬†knowing what I would have to endure in the years to come. ¬†thx, man. ¬†I wish we could have talked about it more…

pps.  no regrets.  turns out it is better to do than not do.

ppps. ¬†also turns out, I ended up with the hub that I really wanted…and he loved you too… xo

 

what will you do to live an intentional life??  would genuinely love to hear!

100 posts.

it occurred to me today.

that I have likely plastered at least 50K words on the page for this blog. ¬†but who’s counting?

sidebar>>>my Myers-Briggs¬†Judging preference counts. ¬†but my iNtuition preference does not focus on logical (ha!) specifics…other than to look forward for future possibilities. ¬†as I said to a client last night…(for example purposes only) my N and my J are constantly at odds. ¬†but…wait a second…couldn’t they just as easily work together…okay>>>that just occurred to me at this very moment!

50K words in one year.

huh.

and I chastise myself for not having the time to work on my novel.  other than spurts here and there.

might need to revisit this. ¬†see old coyote post (I think…?)

will sit on this newfound info. ¬†when I’m not shoving more info in to my brain. ¬†inside and outside of work. and of course…I just signed up for another class! ¬†this one is a shorty though.

to close…Cold Play…

and…one of my favorite quotes…

love the life you live.

live the life you love.

~unknown (other than it’s on my key chain ūüėČ

xo

thank you!

one year ago on 10/9/11, my blog became a reality.

it has become part of my every day life.

I write scenes and blogs in my head every day…I can’t stop. ¬†and now I finally have an outlet! ¬†yeah!

I don’t know what or who I would be without it on this MS journey. ¬†this life journey.

through the MS trials months 0-5.

the successes.

and tragedies.

wowzer.

what a year it’s been! ¬†probably a year with the most ups and downs I have experienced in my life.

highs followed by deep, deep lows.  and then zeros.  and then all the way to +8.  (I know +10 is out there!)

so I keep writing.  and I will not stop; I have discovered that writing is in my INFJ blood.

despite the numerous, whaaaat the heck am/was I thinking(?), how much I hated¬†every blog post (that has become easier after about 80 posts), all the typos, and the in-congruent thoughts…I love(d) every second of it!

so this really has become a daily meditation for me. ¬†I write every day. ¬†obviously, not just here. ¬†but in my morning pages (every day!). and my books that I’m crafting slowly.

so this one is for you!

thank YOU so much for coming along for the ride!!

turns out, I like to travel with company. ¬†ūüôā

94 published posts. ¬†95 after this one. ¬†four unpublished, that are still pulsing in draft format. ¬†plus… inspiration every day.

all the while, letting go of the attachment to the outcome. ¬†getting much better with that one. ¬†ūüėČ

so thank YOU!!  you, that awesome person staring at a desktop monitor reading this.  right now.

I am genuinely so grateful for your presence!!

my goal was to complete 100 posts by one year. ¬†I’m technically one off after this is posted, if one wants to include my four draft posts from months 0-5.

I will see if inspiration strikes tomorrow. ¬†ūüėČ

or what Annie and Jillie are up to in their world. ¬†oooh…I can’t wait to find out!

speaking of them. ¬†one of the best verbal compliments I could have received on my blog, was from my Dad after he read Fiction #2…”I wanted to read more! ¬†and let me guess, there was a little faction in there?”

huh.

love that word.  faction.  should be a literary genre.  maybe it is?  that is one thing I have not researched yet.

loved it!!  thank you, Dad!!

and thank YOU to everyone else who has commented on my blog!

more to come…watch out, people!

love and hugs to each and every one of you out there…for those who are known and unknown.

xo

ps. ¬†can’t wait to discuss how I cope with the fact that my FULL name is on display on my company logo’d MSRide jersey. ¬†ummm…yeah…not sure how that happened. ¬†but it did. ¬†I’m riding the 30 mile route in two weeks. ¬†eeek. ¬†really not ready for this one. ¬†unlike I was in 2010 when I knew then that I had MS before it showed up with a fury in 2011.

nonetheless, almost everything happens for a reason.

xoxo

whispering…

this morning, the hub and I rode a new bike trail – back bay in Newport/Irvine…stunning!

first of all, I can’t believe that I never rode my bike on this path when I was @ UCI for four years! what is wrong with me?

things about myself, still astound me. ha!

second of all, horses can be easily unnerved. sidebar>>random switch, I know. ūüėČ

horses are prey animals after-all.

and have mastered the flight or freak-out response.

saw this first-hand today 100 yards after we started pedaling (delayed a bit as both my hub and I were mesmerized watching airplanes take off – overhead! – from John Wayne airport. [easily, the most un-nerving airport on the planet. uh huh. steep, steep ascent. cut the engines @ 800 feet to keep things quiet for the money in Newport. freaky. we had never seen flights take off from this angle – it was so cool!])…

back to the horse.

gorgeous, black mare. directed by a make-shift cowboy. who was clearly frustrated while trying to egg her back onto the bike path from a sandy back-bay dune. it was a steep ascent too. the horse just would not go forward. and she kept bailing out as soon as she came close to making it. (kinda like me on a bike.) at one point, I thought she might chuck the dude off her back. that probably would have relieved some of her stress ūüėČ no offense to the cowboy, his horse was just not having a good day.

as soon as I saw the horse, tangling with its rider, I hopped off my bike and stopped at the side of the bike-path. putting my head down – careful not to look at her.

turns out horses don’t like bikes. at all. and here we were on a bike path loaded with peeps training for the MS Ride or whatever other rides are on the calendar. the sound of a bike is similar to a rattle snake. (we took some kids mountain-biking yesterday, and had everyone jump off their bikes when we ran into some horses on the fire-road.)

can you imagine? if you were a horse, and you believed there are rattle-snakes EVERYwhere you are being directed to go? there is no choice. sheer terror! I would be on edge too.

I was in just as much shock as the horse when a peloton whizzed by right in front of the horse shortly after she bailed out from her last attempt. I could feel her fear (maybe some of my own mixed in there…but I stayed put, as I didn’t want to move forward right when she decided to move forward.).

planted, I watched out of the corner of my eye as the cowboy finally encouraged the horse to climb up onto the bike path…she complied, but not willingly…and given the angle, her moving forward was directly in my path…

all I could do was keep breathing (or remember too breathe!), and pray that she would calm down…I let out a giant breath, that I hadn’t realized I had been holding in…she slowed as she approached me…and then I looked…

and she nodded right at me, as she gently moved beside me…within a foot…but then our moment was interrupted when two runners sprinted right between us (the horse and me!). I was sure that I was going to be the recipient of a hoof to the back…so I breathed again…and she carried on.

amazing.

xo