tmi! no, not really.

[sidebar>>>here’s where a stream of consciousness unfolds to where I am.  right now.  this blog took a sharp turn down history lane after I wrote the first sentence.]

sometimes I get overwhelmed by all the information out there…

period.  I worry about what I could be missing!  what if a class fills up and I can’t take it until next year!?  what if I miss a special limited offer?  what if I forget about something that looked super cool!

probably have the www to blame for this stress!

what did we do before the web??  really.  you wouldn’t be reading this – ha!

I can’t even imagine.  though I managed just fine in my college years.  old school.

but, omgoodness!  how my life would have been different if the www was alive and pulsing every second.   my sisters are so lucky!  they never knew anything different!

for one, it would have been so much easier to research colleges.

I wanted to go out of state…but couldn’t get access to information on what moving to a new state would be like!

really, I couldn’t have figured it out?!  seriously?

even sent away for applications to Dartmouth, Cornell, Boston, and Northwestern my sophomore year @ UCI.  ooooh yeah…!  the thought of going somewhere else far away gave me goosebumps!  gives me goosebumps now thinking back to how close I was to making a brilliant life changing decision when I was 19!

(no instead decided to make the most stupid life-changing decision a few years later! ha!)

I never submitted one app.  nose just wrinkled on its own when I wrote that last sentence.  really?  that’s my body-talk.

even when I was still in high school, I dreamed of going to school in the Pacific Northwest.  out of the blue I began receiving offers to visit the University of Puget Sound?  so applied to Humboldt State as my back-up safety school.  wanted to apply to Berkeley and Santa Barbara, but I received a wrinkled nose from my live-in parent on that idea.   so I never applied.

I even visualized that I was going to University of PS…and would lie in bed at night, dreaming of how relaxed it would be.  and cold.  how much I would get on with my roommate and new friends.  it would be like living in England again.  beautiful!

it then occurred to me that I would be totally on my own.  huh.  not that I wasn’t used to that!  but something just stopped me from even submitting an app.  as then I would not be faced with a DECISION.

that was the first time in my life that I consciously chose to ignore my inner body compass which was clearly talking to me.  at me.  loudly.  pushing me.  edging me to take a risk.  I can’t tell you how many brochures I digested over and over again in high school and during my first couple years @ UCI.  how many lives I dreamed about evolving.  into my own.  I even conjured up my hub – whom I would one day meet in Chicago.  on the El.  (didn’t quite work out that way – but he is from Chicago!)

what was stopping me?

I wish my adult self really knew.  and why.

what was going through my head back then?

security.  adventure.  safety.  passion.  living the life I wanted.  living a closed easy life.

there are dichotomies throughout my life.  either or.  never both.  my mind tells me it is always either or – can’t have both.  never!

but here I am presently doing both – working full-time in Corporate America and building out my small biz.  right now.  huh.

not so fast, dear, my fear lizard just started squawking.  there is plenty of time.

no, there’s really not, my Essential Self retaliates.

can you think of something your future self would regret your younger (current) self NOT doing?

if the answer is yes, I challenge you to dig deeper and explore why.  write down what thoughts start floating in. 😉

xoxo

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2 thoughts on “tmi! no, not really.

  1. I guess I would regret the years I spent telling myself that I wasn’t suffering when I was, dragging myself through pain and completely ignoring my body compass. It wasn’t about DOING for me as much as feeling. feeling that I deserved not to be hurt, that I deserved to feel better, that I was not expected to pull off the superhuman agenda I had for myself. My essential self is saying to me now “Relax, there’s plenty of time, because if you move from “shoulds” it doesn’t work as well as if you move from a place where you love yourself and accept who you are just as you are, right now. First and foremost. I think I would mainly regret the times i forgot my own divinity, my own worthiness, and wasn’t able to share that with the people in my life.
    (Guess I had a lot to say Erin) xxx

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