41/50: good day, sunday.

the hub and I were inspired to swing by the Newland Animal Shelter this afternoon.

(I guess I felt like crying, which I always do when we are there.)

I can feel the dogs who are scared.  nervous.  bewildered.  angry.  eager to find love.  and then doggies who are just plain sad.

oooopph.  it all hits me right in the heart.  over and over again.

fell in love over and over today.  it always hits my hub hard too.

while there I suggested to my hub that we bring some of our old blankets to keep the little guys warm.  he agreed.  and said, we’ll get an extra bag of food the next time we are buying food for our puppers.  awesome!

so we raced home, so I could rip open every closet that has been known to house leftover blankets.

we found a couple Xmas blankets, a white fluffy blanket (that I hope will be given to the two little white fluffy cock-a-poos.  poor guys are always cuddled together, shaking nonstop.  the more assertive guy always approaches me, and stares right into my eyes.  don’t worry, I try to soothe him, you guys just haven’t found your perfect forever home yet, but when you do…the owners will take both of you…and cuddle and love you super good.), a blue adult sized Snuggie, some old IKEA blankets – three I think – along with a few dog beds from when our girl was a puppy.  we piled everything into, on top of a banker’s box, and were off to deliver.

wow, did that feel, just so good!

I flipped the box upside down, and all the blankets, beds, and one toy fell into the donation bin almost filling it to the top!

I said to my hub after we got home that we should just go over there and walk the dogs.

he agreed.

one other feel good, there were fewer dogs in cages than last time we visited (two weeks ago)!!  that means homes have been found!!

Newland is a no-kill shelter – woot!

xox

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40/50: the dream.

last night/this morning, I dreamed the following detailed below…unfortunately, no chocolate cake this time…but one of my less stressful work dreams (I have at least one per week!).

dream notes from my morning pages….

dream last night.  at work, which was UCI. and as I’m walking toward the gathering place, I can tell something is up.  I can feel it without a doubt.  I feel alone.

there are people everywhere watching to ensure nothing gets out of hand.  cops.  security.  all on the perimeter.  watching.  silently communicating with each other.

I walk by [HR woman], and ask her, what’s going on?  something’s up isn’t it?

she replies, yes, we’re having an all employee meeting.

here? I ask.

yes, just follow everyone out to the park.

whatever, I reply, but at that time I am certain that there is a layoff coming…

we are all gathered outside on the steps facing Aldrich park…and the CEO starts speaking.

thank you for your loyalty, but I bring this news with a heavy heart.  as you all know, we have been having a hard time lately and I must let go of 10% of the workforce in the US.  he stops, and wipes a tear from his right eye.

if you were not stopped and spoken to by someone of importance on you way here, you can be assured that you are in the 10% of the staff that is being let go.  if you were spoken to, please leave the area and return to work.  those who remain, we will cover your severance.  he concluded, excusing the still employed.

really, that’s it? I think to myself.

how do they know they got to everyone??  I wanted to yell.

but was vaguely satisfied in the background that I was standing with the rest of the severed employees.

and then I awoke.

xo

 

39/50. playing with needles?

11 blog posts to go in order to hit my 50 in 30 days.

a couple waiting patiently.  have already drafted 50/50.  so far it’s my favorite.  expect a few more snips of fiction.

but here’s a snippet of MS reality.  one that I would not classify as play time.

~

argh!!  how I hate my daily injections!

my back side is spotted and lumpy.  never know which injection is going to hurt.  1/10 I don’t even feel.  the other 9 burn and sting like a wasp stuck under my skin.  sometimes a big wasp.  sometimes a baby wasp.  they are all different.

but as I have mentioned previously, my hub keeps reminding me, better there than on your brain.

that is what I force myself to remember every time I release the AutoJect, which rapid fires 20 mg of Copaxone under my skin.

injecting in my stomach the last few nights.  much easier there.  stopped injecting in my arms.  as the Copaxone started eating away at my muscle tissue.  also scratched the legs for the same reason.  I still have a 1.5 inch divot on my right thigh.

rookie mistake:  pushing too hard into the flesh with the AutoJect.  for you newbies out there, don’t do that!

so now, I just keep track of the shots on my back side by the lumps that are still red.  don’t punch there.  or there.

Friday night I skipped.  freedom!

but then I worry.

I know my WBC count is up, if my swollen lymph nodes are any indication.

what if a few stray WBCs get through to my brain and start munching again?

huh.

freaky!

but a bit of a reality.  so I keep injecting.

so grateful that is an option for me.  despite the fact that it costs my insurance company $4300.

per month!

can’t wait until BG-12 gets FDA approval!  it will be just as costly, I suspect, but without the literal physical sting.

check out a NYTimes article on BG-12…

BG-12 shows promise!

big ps.  on another note, I get so tired bored reading that MS is a progressive degenerative disease.

it doesn’t feel progressive or degenerative to me!  most days.  😉

in fact, MS released me from myself, which feels more restorative than degenerative.

maybe that is the progressive part of its nature.

xo

38/50. car ride. Jillie and Anya.

Jillie and I pile into her beat up turquoise Honda Civic, circa, 1979, and we are off to meet with her second neurologist to review the results of her latest MRI and extensive blood work.  She is nervous, I can tell.  Something went wrong this morning, before I arrived to pick her up at 11.  For one, she reeks of whiskey, looks exhausted, and she asked me to drive.

As I wrench the ancient car into second gear, grinding and squeaking gears, I contemplate, what life must be like for Jillie.

She grew up the second youngest, and from the outside, to what looked like a rock solid family.  But she was never rock-solid from what I have seen and what she has dared to share with me.  She has me on the say it like it is front, that’s for sure, but I can’t stop thinking that something went terribly wrong in her childhood.  She is zipped up so tight, and only talks in the present, so I feel like I’m missing out on a huge chunk of her life, even though we have been best friends since 2001.

“How was your night,” I asked cautiously, quickly looking to my right over at her.  She looks like hell, for one.  Her shoulder length bobbed dirty blonde hair is mussed up, and I can see that she just slapped on foundation a shade darker than necessary.  She has her Jackie-O glasses covering her blue, blue eyes.  I reach over and rub some of her mismatched color into her chin.

She waves my hand away, and pulls down the visor, which has a make-shift mirror clipped to it, with a bunch of receipts shoved behind it.

“I look like hell, don’t I?  I had a helluva night.  What I remember of it,” she replied as she licked her fingers and blended in her foundation.

“What do you mean, what you remember of it?” I asked, concerned.

She rolls down the passenger window an inch, pulls out a cigarette and snaps her Zippo on fire, breathing in her Marlboro Light deeply.  I roll down my window.

“Well, you know how it goes, I had a couple of vodka tonics, and the next thing I know, I’m waking up next to a mole-marked Nazi.”

“You’re kidding right,” I asked, a sinking feeling settling in my stomach.

“Of course, I am, silly!” she slaps me on the arm gently.

“So who is this new doc, what’s his scoop?” I asked ignoring everything my body is telling me.

~~

so be it.

37/50. black Saturday fiction. everything hurts. (spoiler alert, this is a dark Jillie piece.)

Jillie awoke that morning, stretching off the night before, feeling somewhat euphoric when she realized she had the day off from work.  She stretched her arms over her head, pleased to find that she had the sense to throw on sweats and a t-shirt in the middle of the night.   Though it was soon brought to her attention, that her entire body hurt.  It really hurt.  Every cell in her body was throbbing, no, screaming in pain.

Not again, she sighed.  She imagined her cells having angry, snarled faces.  She bit her lower lip as her left foot spasmed uncontrollably.   She began breathing in deeply like Jayzen showed her.  Away, away, away, she breathed out until the iron rod slowly removed itself from her foot.  She always said to Annie that she needed to be crucified to show her the way.  She chuckled at her pain.  God, that was just a joke.  I wasn’t serious, she implored as she stared at the neon plastic stars on her ceiling.  Please, please give me a pass today, that’s all I’m asking for, a pass.  

She rolled over in bed to her left as gracefully as she could manage amidst the agony to find a shaved head and mole-marred white back staring at her that belonged to a man, a boy, from the looks of him, that she didn’t know.  She traced his back with her eyes, down his hair-less legs, to his cracked heels, counting his moles as her eyes moved, stopping at 33.

What in the hell did I do last night? What am I doing to myself?  She asked herself and then quickly attempted to shrug off her self-hating thoughts and move on.

Today was the day she was supposed to get her lab and MRI results.

“Come on, get up, would you,” she said as she put a hand on the guy’s clammy, oily back.  She shoved him gently, “Move it, man.”  Nothing.  Fabulous, she muttered.  She grabbed the loan sheet crumpled at the bottom of her bed and pulled it up to cover his pale, flaccid body, so she didn’t have to touch him directly again.  The thought turned her stomach upside down and she tried not to vomit as she rose to her knees, breathing quickly.  She collapsed to her hands as the room started to spin around her.

“Get up, and get out of here,” she screamed at him, pounding on his back with her right hand, feeling like a feral cat as her nails dug in to his flesh through the thin sheet.

“Jesus, woman, chill out,” he mumbled rolling out from her claws, slowly to a sitting position, swinging his weathered feet around to the floor and grabbing his jeans at the same time.

“Just get the f*ck out, would you, please.” Jillie started crying.

“Psycho-b*tch, you got it.  You weren’t any good any way.  No loss here,” he replied as he stood up buttoning his jeans, his back still turned to her.  He grabbed his torn red t-shirt from the night table with the word ANARCHEY emblazoned across the back pulling it over his head and made his way for the door grabbing his flip-flops on the way out.

“Have a nice life,” he laughed as he slammed the door to her tear-streaked face.

~~~

oooph…this was dark, wasn’t it??!!  Not sure where this surfaced from – and why I’m referring to Jillie in the third person…but it surfaced.  I just see Jillie, as a tortured soul…she and Anya are both tortured, but in different ways…and lots to reconcile.  huh.  must lighten the mood at the doctor’s office!

xox

36/50: missing socks.

I had a feeling yesterday that my new client might bail on me.

whaaaat?

why did that thought show up?

thoughts like that can intervene.  unnecessarily.  I know this.  then why do I still think them?!

so I pushed it into the background.  before my grip had a chance to tighten.

was it just me putting that thought out there because I’m afraid I might actually like love coaching and working with clients?  gently floated in.

yes, that’s it!  so I balled up the original thought and threw it away.  literally.

it was all me.  and my client hasn’t run away.  🙂

we create most of our own anxiety and fears from past events.  insecurity.  and from estimating what they will think of our future selves.  what I will think of my future self.  all of which, we like to distort and mash up.

practicing letting-go-of-the-outcome has helped me see things with so much more clarity.

throw in a quick Byron Katie, is it true?

usually not.  and there are always lots of examples how the thought is not true.

change your thoughts.  change your perspective. and perception.  life is so much sweeter!

it also helps when you can’t find the only socks you can wear with your new boots…the socks just show up as soon as the frenetic plowing through of the sock drawer ends… 😉

35/50: letting go of having a fantastic Thanksgiving…

and ending up having a perfect holiday!

we didn’t have anything really planned. other than lunch yesterday with the fam.  (this fyi, is so unlike me.  being a J, that I am.)

and on the way home we decided to stop for some fixin’s for dinner.

turkey breast.  (last one!)

white rose potatoes for baking.  and then mashing.

stuffing.

gravy.

cool whip.

sweet potato pie.

perfect!

then we hung with a super close friend after we had our thanksgiving dinner #2.

this was really an uninteresting post.

but it was what it was.  a good day.  🙂

(though I’m still carrying a headache from last week.  serious argh!)

ooops!  did I really just say that!  maybe I should take my own advice and let go of not having a headache.  huh.

what are you peeps up to today?

xo

34/50: what was I gonna write about again?

got it – attachment to outcome!

ok – bizarre-O – just said the above title, and the answer shortly followed.

love it when that happens!  good example for today’s theme, which I have written about previously.

have been experimenting with this theme for the last month, and I am loving the outcome!!

but in an un-attached sort of way… ha!

so, how many times have you wanted something to the point of frustration?

when is it going to show up?

where the heck is it?

why doesn’t he/she like me?

where is the MONEY?!

where is the happy?

why doesn’t may boss treat me with respect?

why, why, why?

and it’s all you can think of to the point of carefully constructing events surrounding what you want, in hopes of making it happen.

or maybe you don’t.  maybe you just like to discuss the lack of what you want into the next millennium.

but one thing is always the same:  I don’t have what I want.

and that is all that you’re putting out there, the lack of what you want.

so more lack is what keeps showing up.

go figure.

I know for me, that when I’m grabby for an outcome, it usually never happens.  or if it does happen, it’s just a faded version of what we thought we wanted.

I am queen of grabby for what I want.  but things began to shift, once I recognized this behavior.

(what is it they say, acknowledgment is the first step in recovery? 😉

one example from  yesterday…

a family member had been pretty grabby after an uncle passed:  I should have gotten that piece of furniture after so and so died!!  but, as soon as she let it go, the piece showed up out of the blue!  literally.  and randomly.  so cool!

look around you today – black friday – lots of grabby peeps out there in the USA today!  let’s pray no one gets trampled this year!

do you have an example of something you desperately wanted. and then made a conscious decision to let it go.  and then it showed up at a later point in time?

right now, I’m grabbing to hit 170 page views in one day.  I have to hit 170.  because right now, I’m sitting on 169, and it reminds me of a very dark day – the day my cousin died.

huh.  just writing that down, made me realize, it could be a good thing to have a daily reminder.  of someone who pursued life with passion.  huh.

maybe I’ll consider dropping this grab.  😉

xox

 

33/50. post t-day.

169 is what I have to must exceed.

more on this later.  but today was a reminder.

new topic:  how was your thanksgiving??

ours was brilliant.  more ways than one.

food-o-rama.

positive affect.

family.

friends.  new friends.  new love.

love it!!

also finished the Vintage Affair today.  after having this book for years!  fab.

would have preferred a bit more @ the end.

but I love a story that ties everything up into an almost perfect bow.

interesting past tense post present tense dialogue.  huh.  must explore more!

so inspired me to keep writing about my Anya and Jillie.

17 to go people!  odd for me this morning.  I wrote my first blog in my morning pages.  that never happens!

guess new things are a-happening!  yeah!!

how was your day??

best part of today:  the hub and I left a $30 tip at breakfast.

xox