what is gone lives on.

the above thought hit me earlier today, while re-reading a poem that one of my friends had posted on FB when I shared my breaking heart.

the poem has been rolling around in my thoughts since it was posted.

at first, I wanted to throw it away.

but it didn’t want to be thrown away.

the words kept showing up.  and then they made sense.  Sunday night.  the words made sense.

my beloved Grandma has taken a turn for the worse.  the words have been touching and poking various parts of my thoughts.  mind.  emotions.

soul.

When I Die, by Merrit Malloy.  I have copied it below…

When I die
Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old(er generations) that wait to die.

And if you need to cry,
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give to me.

I want to leave you something,
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.

Look for me
In the people I’ve known
Or loved,
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live on in your eyes
And not on your mind.

You can love me most
By letting
Hands touch hands,
By letting
Bodies touch bodies,
And by letting go
Of children
That need to be free.

Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,

Give me away.

~

so beautiful.  I see it.

and if I can muster the courage, I will read this for my Grandma.  one day.

what is gone lives on.

and with that, we have control of what we want to keep.  and what we let go.  and that’s okay.

Saturday was the hardest day.  so far.

I will forget the morning.  but keep the evening.  my choice.

xoxox

love all around.

holy wow.  this one is going to really hurt.

it already is.

how the world can change in a second.

(how many times has a writer written that line??  too many.  is it cliché yet?)

I thought I would be returning to the same Grandma from last weekend – when I visited her yesterday morning.

(not that she was even my usual, twinkly-eyed Grandma last weekend.  but she knew I was there at least.  on some level.)

nope.  God had other plans for her this week.

she had a massive right brain stroke.  suppose it’s a shame it wasn’t her left brain…at least she would be in better shape on the inside.  from what I hear.  she would be able to easily see and connect with the angels that just want to fold their downy feathers around her.

they can’t wait until she joins them.  I can feel it.  but for now, they are watching.  waiting.

the priest at her church (of 60 years!) anointed her with oil last night.  it was beautiful.  and tear-full.  she was left holding a comfort cross.

the priest also gave comfort crosses to my uncle.  myself.  and my hub.

we set her up for hospice care today.  thank God, that my cousin D. was there to help guide my uncle and me as we met with hospice care, Kathy.  I looked at my uncle at one point, and it was as if he had turned into D.

wowzer.

Grandma, you have love all around you.  you know that.

love.  love.  love.

xoxo

tap happy.

just watched Nick Ortner, author of the soon to be released book, The Tapping Solution…interview Louise Hay. wowzer!

she is 86. holy moly. she is rocking her life! and looks awesome! happy.

I believe in tapping. it’s so easy. yet hard to wrap your left brain around.

give it a go, I dare ya!

~

been leaving the blog alone this last week.

too much going on in real life. which makes me feel like I’m supposed to be writing. I should be writing.

but I’m not. words sometimes avoid me at times like this. and that’s okay.

but tonight on the way home from work, I was hit with minor inspiration. legs rippled with goosebumps. so that’s def a good sign. 🙂

see…I have been taking the MBTI (Myers-Briggs) Step II course – which further deconstructs one’s MBTI personality type. so super cool! I love, love it. it makes my type make even more sense to me. if that’s ever going to be possible. 😉

seems like I’m a glutton for contradiction. one of my facets is casual – out of preference – of course! and another one is planful. huh? how do those two work together.

but when I thought about it, I realized that I plan out casual-time. aha!

so I have a plan to draft out all my character’s personalities. long weekend this weekend. this is going on the plan-full list. 😉

here’s the rub.

my grandma has been in the hospital – which has had me on a constant side-bar. that’s okay.

all I can say is that there is nothing like holding your sweet grandma’s hand.

she held my hand up yesterday and out in front of her. she turned it around in her hand…and opened her eyes to stare at my engagement ring.

“it’s so beautiful,” she said in a garbled voice.

I will never forget that.

once she was satisfied, she laid both our hands down on her right side. and squeezed my hand tight. I squeezed back.

God, I pray that you ease my Grandma’s fears as she moves in the evening hour of her life.

I talked to her doc today.

he thinks she had a stroke – which is why she can’t move her left side. but nothing has shown up on a CT scan.

she is so confused and scared…and the doc wants her in a more peaceful environment. which is NOT in a hospital. she moved tonight. phew!

that’s the latest people…hope you are enjoying every moment…I sure am.

xoxo

on writing.

I dreamed of writing the outline for my chick-lit novel this morning.

was at a work lunch.  seated to my left was one of my former colleagues, whom I still see every now and then.

(btw, she shows up in my dreamscape whenever I am on a right path.)

bored by the conversation at the table.  I grab a blank piece of paper (from somewhere!) and begin writing single word draft titles for each of my eleven(?!) chapters.

now, I can’t recall all that I wrote – but one thing stands out: I could read the scribbles.  reading letters + dreaming usually don’t go together.

here’s what I do remember:

sensation.

creation.

failing.

job.

doctor.

advent.

rejection.

huh?

time to get writing.

pretty sure this dream inspiration manifested after dinner last night when my hub and I were discussing the Triangle of Writing that I had read about earlier this week.

given what a visual and project focused person I am, the Triangle of Writing Metrics, by Rachel Aaron snapped my attention.

and made it very clear why I have not written for weeks now.

I get it.

I need an outline.

I have been writing about Jillie and Anya willy-nilly.  free.  all over the place.  whatever pops to mind.  while enjoying it thoroughly.

I’m now stuck.  (funny, I just wrote ‘not’ instead of now…)

I don’t know where I’m going.  or what they are doing.  I have a mental picture.  but need something right in front of me to get rolling again.

you can read Rachel’s blog here…

how I went from writing 2000 words a day to 10000 words a day!

so there you have it:  I intend to put together an Anya and Jillian map this month.  bazingo! 😉

hope you all have a great weekend!  we have a weekend of cleaning and clearing out Xmas.  plus, I’m eagerly awaiting the results of my Myers-Briggs Step II assessment.  more training and self-discovery coming up!  🙂

xox

here’s some music to push you into a good mood…  🙂

 

un-happening.

oooph!  how early did it feel waking up today after a long holiday weekend?

even went to bed by 9PM last night to ensure 8 hours of sleep.

but it hurt getting up at 5:16 in the AM today.

my body does NOT like alarms.  whose does?  I would like to know!  I prefer the natural method of waking up.  any tips on this, my ears are dying to know!  do share!

but I dragged myself into my AM daily activities.  I have to get moving right away.  otherwise no moving happens.

did some EFT work in the kitchen while the coffee was brewing and toast toasting.  and began to feel better, bit more alert, some-what more energized.  amazing how well tapping works!

but my new mood was quickly interrupted after returning to my AM writing place.  as I found myself bothered by something someone didn’t say to me.  but then another one did.

whaaaat?  I isolated the feeling down to ‘I felt left out.’  hellooooo?  I’m the one everyone talks to when they have a problem.  I’m the empathetic ear.  I want to be there!  that’s how I assign value to myself.  so whose business am I in?  by allowing a preference, oversight, or whatever the reason why I was being overlooked…to bother me.  I can’t control when others reach out to me.

pause.

oh right.  that last bit.  that’s the rub. it’s fulfilling to me to provide support.  once I identified the source.  bit selfish, eh?  😉  I did some self-coaching.  and felt better.  so decided to move on.

but unfortunately, the ball had already been set in motion.  and when I found myself rushed to walk away from my laptop to get ready for work…the negative thoughts started to cascade…

and it was all down a treacherous slope from there…not to mention the hub and I were completely off on our getting ready routine. bordering on irritated words being exchanged.  after almost walking smack into each other crossing paths.  clearly the self-coaching and tapping efforts didn’t stick.  I blame the early hour.  😉

while I was finishing up getting ready, figuring out what to do with the bangs I had screwed up by getting them partially wet in the shower, I said to my hub, “I just want to reset this mood that I’m in, because I know it’s not good and will likely get worse once I get to work.  you know, re-entry and all.”

he replied, “just let it un-happen.”

that caused me to pause.  and consider resetting.  I let that word sink in.  muttering it softly to myself.  testing it out.  genius!

I said, “un-happen, love it.  thanks baby.  thanks baby!”

and do I did.

what do you let un-happen?  I’m curious!

xox

ps.  so much for my breathing and smiling in 2013… 😉

xox