I didn’t realize I had been ignoring the space until today…and that made all the difference…
after marching along on superdrive for the last three months, clobbering my brain.
three classes (MBTI Step II, Intuition, and now B-School).
planning my first workshop. yippee!
fear (yep…that decided to creep in and check things out. on and off.)
until everything came to a screeching halt on Saturday night while out with friends.
during a lively debate with a good friend about a topic on which we were polar opposites…
I became weighted down by an intense heaviness.
I couldn’t shut it off. and it didn’t want to go away.
so in an attempt to fend it off, I said something kinda rude to my friend. that I didn’t mean.
(but that’s not true, if I didn’t mean it in that exact moment, I wouldn’t have said it.)
I was slammed with overwhelm in that moment when everyone around me jumped on me.
I paused. breathed. smiled. apologized.
collected my thoughts that were already wavering, ready to topple…
(what the hell am I doing?! and why did I just say that?! how do I say this in a way they will all see my side of things?!)
so I reframed.
he said he had never looked at things that way, yet we still agreed to disagree.
but the weight would not leave. and the thoughts dangerously close to toppling were still there.
I tried Sunday and Monday nights to figure out the source of the weight…
intensely missing my sisters after spending a week with them. worried about my mother in the hospital. tossing and turning Sunday night after waking up from a work nightmare.
I became short and snippy. demanding. with everyone. hub. work. myself.
(fyi – this is my Type at its worst!)
so I poured through my new Myers-Briggs book Monday night. and found some answers. (brilliant book, btw, Do What You Are.)
yep, I can blame this one on my personality type. ha! joke’s on me.
Tuesday, I felt like crap at work.
but the weight became a bit lighter Tuesday night after receiving a new project at work.
yet returned with a vengeance this morning…until I decided I had enough.
so I put on a Deepak Chopra mediation (not part of Oprah’s deal with him – fyi for you peeps not on the Oprah team… 😉 while I made up my sullen face (insert INFJ death stare 😉 getting ready for work…
…and that’s when I heard the words…find the space between the thoughts...
I repeated them out loud. and goosebumps rippled down my legs…and I decided not to think about the meaning of what I had just heard…
and everything fell back into place, easily, freely, and peacefully. the anger dissipated almost instantly. insecurities gone. fear vanished.
and I let it go…with that tiny space I had just let in.
stepping back – I can see what led to this…
family stuff. good and bad.
packing my brain so full with things to do and learn, I had zero space to add some space. even a millimeter would have been okay.
so the lesson…don’t pack things in too tight.
things will topple eventually…when they don’t have to…they just need some breathing room.