word.

been working with my MuSe for inspiration 2011-12.

now time to create what inspires me.

a completed first draft.  already underway.

a job.  even in my current job.

a healthy body.  with my current body.

a strong(er) mind.

a business.

learning.  and listening.

happiness.  laugh.  smile.

balance.

connect.  (no, baby, not on the XBox… 😉

Lori Koop says one word is easier to focus on than a list of resolutions that is quickly forgotten.  and very often broken.

I discovered that just by identifying my one word for 2013, create…all the things for which I do reach – feel much more palpable.  and closer.  no set timeline.  easy.

create comes after inspiration.

here’s to a better year this year!! be safe out there tonight, people!

what’s your word for 2013?  create below if you like…I dare ya!  😉

xoxo

counting down.

the hub and I enjoyed an awesome dinner tonight at a neighborhood restaurant.

’twas very clear we have been eating out wayyyy too much of late.

(errr. the last year and a half.)

all of our local haunts have been treating us exceptionally well this holiday season.

they all know us.  and shake our hands.  kinda Norm-like.  and we know the other regulars.

guess that makes the extra weight I have gained worthwhile!

fyi…have nixed the auto-ject.  extra weight helps with injections.

but no more in 2013.  fo’shizzle!  back on the bike.  (which, I did today, btw!)

or perhaps as early as tomorrow at dark o’clock.  on a live bike.

but tonight, at dinner, we recounted all that went well in 2012.

despite some yuck.  (big black spots on 2012.)

lots we concluded – went well.  without a doubt.

and that felt really good.

all we can do is take a took at the What Went Well.  and toast to that!

then arrived home to my cousin’s yearly poem.  love that!

now home, my hub is reclined.  playing his XBox 360.  happy.

fulfilled.

what is up for 2013?

my resolution is to enjoy every day as it comes.  even eager to get back to work!

whaaaat?!  the routine.  the interaction.  the problem solving.  all fabu in my book!

oh, and keep writing.  and learning.

one of my girlfriends from college, has just published a book. Sacred.  check it out if you get a chance.  awesome.

blows me away how many authors I know now.  so cool!

despite my desire to work with people.  my truest desire is just to write.  like everyone else in the blogosphere.  😉

however, my other resolution in 2013 is not to let good friends go astray.

I’m a weird bird to figure out.  I get that.  INFJ.  remember that.  😉

but I no longer let good friends go to the wayside because of my own insecurities.  no more.  so if you are an old friend that has happened to stumble across my blog.

know that I still think of you.  and often.  miss you.  and not sure what to do now.  esp. my one best friend from 3rd-11th grade.  who crossed paths with my cousin just a couple of years ago.  before he died.  xo

she understood; she didn’t hold my silence against me…
~Scarlett in reference to Lily…Sacred, Elana K. Arnold.

xoxo

the way.

finished the book, Untethered Soul, this afternoon.

and I have concluded that this book is definitely going on the books that changed my life shelf.

indeed.  this one may have topped the list.

do read it.  and go back to it.

I know I will.

forces one to think.  and not think.

ponder.

and consider.  inspiration.

why we are here?

what is the end-goal of life?

why?

all questions I have been playing with for the past four years.  (really, that’s it!)

until then, I had been living a false life.

hiding behind my story.  do you have one too?

but when my carefully self-constructed story began to disintegrate out of my control, I didn’t know what to do.

and so, I have been on a roller-coaster journey since.

well, let me back up.  I had glimpses of this revelation in 2006.  I was intrigued.  curious.

thanks to my chiropractor.  she saw something I could not see yet.

how grateful, I am for this journey, as hard and painful as it has been!

I had been living a false, superficial, artificial life.

not that I believe that I have now reached the promised land.  because I know things always change.

even after carefully constructing a simple, easy, planned life years ago – I stand corrected.

it was this thing called a chronic condition that really solidified my realization that there is more to life than security.  external approval.  and more approval.

that’s the life I had been living.  pretty weak, eh?

when one of my friends said back in…2007?…that all she wanted was to be happy…my reaction was, that’s it?

now, I get it.  I get it!

I have been shown the way.

and I have been rolling around bottom of the pendulum swing for the last year+.  with some momentary and/or a few hour-long swings both ways.

but I get it.

the only thing in life that is worth our being here for our short stint on planet earth, is to reach an even flow of ecstasy.

all the time.

it’s so simple, it’s hard.

xo

2013 prologue.

the pressure of a new year is in front of us.

can you feel it yet?

the year when we are called to action…(just like every other year!)

to do something brilliant.  and different.

create something new.

lose weight. and get/stay in shape!

get back to yoga.

save more money.

get married.

have a baby.

quit [fill in the blank]

find a better job.

volunteer.

travel more.

accept and love oneself.

improve family relationships.

learn something new. and do something with that new knowledge!

drop the negative thoughts.

and increase the positive thoughts.

go back to church.

be grateful. every day.

do something kind for others every single day.

maintain a clean house.

finish all those books.

finish the first draft.

decide what to do with one’s life!  and do it!

and be happy.  every day.

~

ummmm.  yeah.

let’s stop here before we get too carried away.  actually reading through the above list kinda really stressed me out.  who is this super-person!?

may or may not look like your list for 2013.

(shhhh.  this list looks a lot like my commitment/resolution/dream lists from past years. except for the baby part.  it’s no wonder I am so stressed out half most of the time.)

that’s a load of pressure isn’t it?!

pressure already, when the new year has not even begun!

why are we so hard on ourselves?

and often set ourselves up for failure. with our lengthy-high-expectation-to-do lists.

if you don’t have a list yet or just feel overwhelmed reading your already crafted list…

circle the top three items on your list…and focus just on those items.

or perhaps you want to consider the following for 2013 if you don’t have anything yet (and that’s okay too!)…

treat myself with kindness.  every day.

smile every day.

laugh every day.

let’s start here.

and that will be enough.  deal?

xo

empathy engulfed.

have you ever noticed that when you’re talking to someone, you start to feel exactly what he or she is feeling?  and then are taken aback after the conversation is over to find yourself stuck in a flood of some feeling that doesn’t feel like it belongs to you?  or maybe you have made it yours.

others don’t know that I feel what they’re feeling.  but I know.  and sometimes too late.  I have a gem of a trick to feel everything when I’m focused completely on the person who is sharing their thoughts, troubles, triumphs, or even excitement for what they had for dinner last night.  it does not matter.  if they are feeling something strongly, I feel it too.  fo’shizzle!  we learned about this habit in life coach training; turns out peeps attracted to coaching…play with this kind of engulfing empathy.

sometimes, I am curious how much I’m in my head when this happens.  huh.  will sit on that tonight.

anyway this happens to me.  a lot.

since I know this happens, I have a daily reminder on my bathroom mirror to zip up my disco-ball (diamond encrusted) catsuit.  all the way to my chin.  I require super-power to protect myself from taking on too much. absorbing too much that isn’t mine.

this happened to me at work today.  but I forgot my suit.

I called a customer back who had asked to speak to me directly. never good.

I knew of this customer’s troubles yesterday, and I felt so bad for the guy.  and then he wanted to speak to me.  after not receiving what he wanted from anyone else.

he just wanted me to hear him out after sharing his surprise that I called him.  and so I did and listened to his story from beginning to end.  despite already knowing what went wrong.  my eyes welled up at one point I was so saddened by how sad and baffled he was over this issue.  and it wasn’t even a life or death situation.

as soon as my eyes started stinging, I realized at that point, that I was in his business. and too far by the looks of it, after I stepped into the role of the watcher.  and cleared my throat saying that I would re-read all his emails and figure out what to do about the tremendous lack of empathy everyone else had given him.  once we hung up – I had to leave the building and get outside.  to breathe.  refocus.  and shake it off.  I’m still exhausted by that event from this afternoon.

and then…my eyes dampened on the way home from work tonight while attempting to continue my refocus.  so started thinking about my characters and from whose point of view I’m going to write the book. which I have been tapping around for days now. and then it hit me head on; I could feel Anya drawing me to her when I began to feel what she feels and how all the misery in the world gnaws at here.  no boundaries there.  um.  really?

note to self:

zip it up all the way, honey.  please.  but when writing…might be acceptable to edge the zipper down just a tad.

when have you found yourself muddled up in someone else’s mess?

xo

so much to say.

what a fab week off work my hub and I enjoyed!

palm springs! so blessed.

love this photo btw…the hub was in our Elvis room when I snapped from a different point of view… 😉 lots more on POV later on. DSC_0232

giraffes!

a ride to 8500 feet! ooooph! the hub hated that! I loved it…until we arrived @ 8500 feet!

good eats! too much!

lots of writing. and reading. time to rest. and play. and rest again. time to laugh.

speaking of laughing. had a fantastic time with two of my life coach peeps yesterday. can you say four-hour lunch?! these two women are so my people!! kisses!

inspiration released! (inspiration was my word for 2011. and again in 2012.)

been toying with my word(s) for 2013. so far I have scripted…balance…create…and fulfill. all three are super juicy! is it written somewhere that I can only have one word? 😉

…more on that later!

I can’t look at anymore photos on FB from Friday’s events…so I leave you with a few peaceful photos of pure grace….not perfection…photographically speaking…but then…what is ever perfect? DSC_0196

DSC_0186DSC_0193have a great week y’all!! more from Jillian and Anya coming soon.

xox

how much we take for granted.

how much we take for granted.

and with the events of yesterday…how can one not think of what we take for granted? God bless the lost souls. and affected loved ones. a shooting in Las Vegas and then another one in Fashion Island, Newport Beach today? really?

what is happening to us? I cried.

but tonight, my attention was diverted by an uber-spasmed muscle.

it sure is the un-spasmed muscles we take for granted. for one.

oooph. hub and I were out for a lovely dinner tonight.

shabu shabu style to finish off our week of meat indulgence. cows are off my list for 2013, I decided.

after finishing off with a strawberry macoron. my entire right side – from low rib cage up.

decided to spasm.

like someone had shoved an amber glowing fireplace poker between my skin and my muscles. ooooph. how it burned. and burned.

I couldn’t even contract my stomach muscles. or breathe in deeply. at all.

someone had decided to hug me hard enough to evacuate all the air from my lungs. and burn me. and keep hugging me. oh so tight.

even my body stopped me from a sneeze that was ready to erupt. my body was not having any other focus than this intense pain.

let’s go, I look at my hub. in desperation. I’m so sorry.

can you please just rub it? I don’t know what’s happening. it’s hot. and burning. and I can’t breathe very well. I say to my worried hub as we head home.

I know spasms are a part of the MS card. but really. this bad??

please God. release me, I pleaded.

staving off the tears. it burned so incredibly bad. ever notice that when you’re in intense pain, the tears don’t come easily. your body is so distracted by the pain. no tears swell to the surface and tip over the edge of your bottom eyelashes. even when my right foot spasms in a zombie type manner.

with the intensity, I don’t cry. though the pain is worthy of tears.

I tapped. and tapped in the car on the way home. I get it, I have MS, and I accept it. I whisper over and over again.

and then stretched and stretched, my right arm stretched high over the left side of my body. the peeps driving behind us must have been curious.

my hub rubbed my back after we got home. over and over again. I get up and stretch. and pace.

it’s not getting better, I say. what is this? I want to know. please someone help me, help me.

so I go to the bathroom and decide to focus on peeing – sorry for the graphic image.

good. good. I can still pee in this condition. and I stretch some more. phew. and then I walk out. and start breathing deeply.

whaaaat? it’s gone? I say. it’s gone? really that quickly?

I’m confused. is it really gone? I want to know.

yes. it’s gone.

thank you, God. thank you, thank you, thank you. I silently say.

I know I have been denying that I have MS. I do not deny that anymore.

I accept it. a year+ later.

and I will do something with it, I promise.

xo

ps. thank you God, for giving me my rock. he so didn’t sign up for this. or maybe he did. now the tears flow easily. x

Jillie. more fiction.

“I‘m broken,” she cried.

“You’re not broken, you’re amazing.  And I don’t know how anyone could do what you’re doing.  I wouldn’t be able to do it.”  I replied with a pain in my heart.

“My mom, tried to commit suicide,” she hiccupped.  “After I was born,” she released into another wave of tears.

“What are you talking about?” I asked now afraid where this was going.

“She hated me.  She hates me,” she concluded.

I reach down for the five year-old Jillie in front of me, and hug her tight.

~

fiction #?   was inspired listening to Cold Play while my doggy ignored me.  this comes after the trip to the Western Rock Medical Center.  there is more in between.

yellow dream scape.

dreamed a lot last night. in yellow.

kinda freaks me out a bit; I dreamed only in yellow last year before my monster flare.

and last night under the pouring rain, I opened up with a dream flare.  I could not see things as they are.  objects started to morph right before my eyes.  I could not read.  what I already knew was in front of me.  and a huge black spot showed up…was at work when it hit.  people changed in front of my eyes.  everything evened out.  distortion was reduced quite a bit.  every hard object became soft.  and then I was in a car.  and I was riding in front of it, but still directing the vehicle.  soft yellows all around.

sidebar>>>maybe this was a result of working on my giraffe photos last night??  I had a sense I was super tall.

and then I awoke this morning after dreaming of planning a work holiday party at disneyland.  I was put in charge of planning.  or did I assign myself that duty?  the big boss then took it over.  it ended up being $60/head once he agreed to only serve water.  it was the venue that I was more interested in than anything.  and doing a good job planning each of my three options. I also had mini-golf and something else (can’t remember what the something else was) on the venue list…but disney was the answer.  maybe it was a movie theatre?  while I didn’t receive any props for my efforts, I was happy when the work peeps had a good time.

huh.  maybe the third option will resurface in a moment of deja vu.

must work on deconstructing both dreams.  though the obvious seems so obvious.

been sleeping SUPER good this week while on vacation – probably why the dreams are becoming so vivid.  my body naturally wants nine hours and fifteen minutes of sleep time.  feels so good!

what did you dream about last night?  I dare ya to share!

xo

rendezvous at the rendezvous.

yawn.

the hub and I have officially decided to live more in the moment.

rather than planning everything out perfectly.

from my perspective…perfect plans never turn out perfectly. and always lead to disappointment.

huge attachment to outcome.

so Friday night we booked a quick trip to palm springs. without much contemplation.

we had thought about driving up north.

but I put the brakes on that.

too soon to drive by where my cuz died, I said.

I get it, he said.

we can fly? I asked.

the hub was already shaking his head.

Vegas?

no. we both concluded. too many people.

palm springs, the hub offered.

lemme sit on it.

though I didn’t really sit!

sooo cool.

we booked two nights in the Elvis room at the Rendezvous B&B. perfect weather. met Al and Rosemary from Santa Clarita. and Robin and Lisa from Chicago! talk ’bout small world.

we agreed we want to do more of this living in the moment. hard for us Js. 😉

xo