dreaming.

As 2013 begins to close out, I dreamed of a burning overstuffed kitchen trashcan this morning. The flames licked the papers and trash, dangerously close to spilling onto our wood floors.  I desperately looked around for water to put out the smoke-less fire, but could not find any thing to douse the flames.  In frustration and fear, I attempted to close the plastic trash bag around the flames, but ended up irritating the fire further…

I then woke up poking my husband in the arm to please tell me that he put out the fire in the kitchen? Only answer I received was a string of chuckles.  Apparently, I have been sleep talking this week.

(Time away from work-work does that to me.)

This wasn’t my first burning dream, but it’s been at least a decade since the last one.  Long time ago I had repeat dreams that an errant cigarette smoldered under the sheets in my bed…

During a time when I was experiencing massive change in my life on many levels.

I am, of course, curious to find out what this means to/for me now, a decade later, when life has been relatively stable. (Er., outside of MS joining the party along with too many family losses.)  Or is this simply the result of leaning into Stephen King’s masterpiece, On Writing?

But, I have a hunch there is change yet again on the near horizon…Year of the Horse will soon be upon us and my first book (draft) complete by end Q1.  Oooh, I just got goosebumps typing that.  Can’t help it.  Do I dare share my draft title?!  Uh.  Not yet.  😉 Let’s just say it’s chick-lit, laced with some self-help woo-woo and maybe a unicorn or two.  Er, writing a book within a book is d*mn hard!

Huh.  Change.

Book?  Changes with work?  Back to school? A Master’s degree?!  New friends?  Turning 40. (No ? required for that last one.)   Travel?  New home?  All appear to be waiting up ahead, but oddly…things feel closer than they have in the past.  Whooo hoo!  Bring it!

What fires you up ahead in 2014?!  Do share!!

Wishing you the most happy, healthy, and abundant year ahead!  I am so grateful that you take the time from your day to read my nonsensical keystrokes!  I still giggle any time someone finds my blog when searching for INFJ Death Stare…which happens almost every other day…

Have a safe New Year’s out there people!!

xox

> 50K words.

done and done.

in 29 days.  wowzer!  all in accordance with NaNoWriMo guidelines.  50K words in the month of November.  fiction.  new.

how much fun November was!  I cannot remember a better, more fun, fulfilling span of time!

how good, strong, and healthy did I feel.

now I can finally say that I have written 50,000 words of fiction.

currently, words are escaping me.  as the hub said tonight, I can take a break.

but I’m not done yet! was my reply.  as I scratched out chapters 7-13 titles last night.

so I will continue.

I have not felt more alive than did over the last month.  so why not?

will the real unicorn please stand up?

xo

ps.  last MRI results = beautiful.

20,003 words.

skipped Thursday (mostly), Friday (completely), Saturday (sparse, at best).

but today, I conquered a protagonist becoming bored with me.  her work week is over (she dreads weekends).

and of course, overcoming the 20K words.

goal for the week.

GRRR.  another 10K awaits.

along with work stress. and a desire to hang out with friends, both of the human variety.  and furry.

but, I will keep writing.  the words flowed easily once I realized I was not wearing my new writing corduroy jeans.   they are clean now, no worries.

tomorrow, begins my book within a book.  feeling a little intimidated by this, but, whatever.

have a good week, and write on!

xo

 

 

10,000 words.

quick update.

I am hooked.  period.  hook.  line. and whatever.  I love, love to write.

especially sh*tty first drafts.  with reckless freedom.

even my hub commented that I look healthier. and happier.  since I have been writing.  uh.  since Friday.

I have spilled out over 10,000 words over the last three days.  the majority this weekend.

at this rate, I’m scheduled to finish NaNoWriMo by 11/15.

er. not sure that will happen, but we will see.  work has to take priority M-F 6:30-6:30.  so we will see.

all, I can say is that it took me THREE years to write 12K words for my Anya and Jillian.

go figure.  all I needed was a plan.  and a deadline.

guess I am a project manager at heart.

in the zone.

keep on rocking what you do, people!

xox

one sleep…

sooo…getting super nervy tonight…2 hours and 41 mins until it’s write-off time!

er. what?

wait a second. NaNoWriMo time.

entry scene already viewed in my mind.  so clear, it’s like I’m there.

book launch party. my protagonist is bored. and frustrated.  so she begins drinking to take her mind off what is really weighing her down…

cliche.  but, that’s cool.

what will show up from there??  I can’t wait to find out…but I have a few ideas!

talked to a work peep today who writes…we love how things just show up…that is just so dang cool.

I just gotta show up for that to happen.

T -2 hours.

xo

two more sleeps…

before I begin writing something brand new.  fiction.

in other words:  two days to NaNoWriMo.  wow.  can’t believe it’s almost here.

today, the nerves started to settle in:  how am I going to write an average of 1,667 words/day?  :-O

especially with work being as crazy as it has been the last three weeks.

the life coach in me says to just focus on the feeling state when I write…it feels so good…remember how much you love it.  so do it!

but, what if I miss a day?

then I’ll have to write 2x that figure.  or 1,667 divided by number of remaining days.  that feels a bit better.  😉

sure.

no problem.

uh huh.

I have my story outline.  theme.  characters. (three central characters.)  goals.  motivations…internal and external.  (mainly internal, as that’s how I roll.)  conflicts.  and two pinch points.  one better than the other.

I don’t have to be the next Sarah Gruen, but I will finish.  I will.  I will.  see you on the other side!  last year I did 50 blogs in November…roughly 30K words.  this year, I’m doing 50K words.  yikes!

rock on people, and don’t forget that voice in you that urges you to do more, be more, give more…it’s sooo worth it.

xo

Dartboard.

Have you ever grabbed a bunch of darts and thrown them at a dartboard…all at the same time?

How’d you do?

Lemme guess…

They all went flying haphazardly no where even close to the sweet spot…the bulls-eye.

Maybe not even close to the larger real estate of the dartboard…or perhaps they didn’t find a place to land at all; they just tumbled pathetically to the floor.

That’s how I have been feeling over the last couple of years. I wanted to grab at anything and everything I could in order to get just one dart to stick.

Too many darts being thrown all at once. Not enough focus on one to get that one to stick.

Took me this long to figure that out.

Work. Writing. Mish-mosh blogging. Coaching. Career counseling. Project Management. EFT. Small business development. Fundraising. Class after class.

And while everything listed above ignites a passion in me…I’m spread too thin across all of them to get even one to stick.

Huh. So while being sucked into Breaking Bad over the last two weeks and cuddling with our new orange three-legged tabby (our puppers could not be happier!), I have done some serious nothing.

And as a result I have found my focus narrowing…

I still have my JOB. Might as well do that well. Okay.

So what do I really want to do well outside of that?

One word surfaced easily.

WRITE.

Next month marks NaNoWriMo. National Novel Writing Month. 50K words in 30 days.

I’m just gonna grab that dart and fire.

Catch y’all after I resurface on December 1. Or maybe somewhere along the way when I have lost my mind.

I can’t wait to begin writing…I already have my story mapped out on my iPhone notepad and in my head. This one is brand new…and I didn’t know it was in there waiting for me to give it life. I had been so focused on Jillie and Annie that I have been ignoring the other characters that want to be heard. Turns out there’s a whole bunch of ’em. Can’t wait to give them a voice.

xo

two years.

wow.

the fact that today marks the day I was diagnosed with MS didn’t hit me until I was prepping myself to do my 3x/week Copaxone shot tonight.

(Tuesday night’s was a beast.  I still have an extremely tender two-inch red lump on my right thigh.)

tonight’s was easy breezy…fyi.  thank you God!

so yup, my two-year anniversary didn’t hit me until tonight.  I must have been distracted by all that is – including today being Talk Like a Pirate Day.  after this realization struck me, all I could mutter out loud to the dog was shit…and then laugh at myself.  no wonder the hub was being extra lovey this morning and appreciative of my appearance as I bounced out the door in my new white swan blouse and red suede heels.  love that blouse.  he even texted me after he got to work:  how you do today baby?  that didn’t even jog my memory.  he remembered though.  what an amazing man!

wow.

I officially forgot about it…

two years to make that happen.

xo

month one. is done.

saw the clinical researcher yesterday.

showed him the photo of the massive reaction my bod had on Tuesday night.  still there.  but getting better with some numbness on top.

five-inch hot red raised welt.  with tiny raised bumps sprinkled across my skin like tiny stars.

ouch.  that one hurt!

what am I putting in my body?

my thoughts spiraled as I eyed the dangling welts from the last two weeks.

what am I doing to my body??

lots to consider.  pros/cons.  ifs.  buts.  whats??

bit too much for this girl.  but at the moment, I’m appreciating the fewer shots.  giving the dailies up for the day after joint pain.  and massive red welts.  huh.

we’ll see what and how I feel the next time I put on a bikini.

and watch my brain flash by in black ‘n white images after my next MRI.

and work my body out.

MS is kinda sucky.

but certainly the awakening I am awaiting.

a boy called Gus.

I type this while our little girl is snuggled up next to me.

her head resting on my thigh.

one long ear draped over my left wrist.

peaceful sighs leaving her body.  breathing in and out.

she purrs like our Chloe.  I have never heard a dog purr.  but our girl does.

I wonder if that’s something Monty would have taught Gus.

a boy we would have called Gus.  the dog we will never know.

it still makes be sad that we will never know him or see him grow.  what would have been our Gus stories?

yet we made the right decision not to take him.

we got caught up in the puppy love.  he was so soft and squishy.  who wouldn’t??

we just wanted more love in our house after the last few years we have had…too many losses.

but then wise reality started to wriggle her way in.  think of the effort, she whispered.  and time.  the messes.  the frustrations.  his size.  and your poor girl was scared, remember?? what would happen if they were home alone together, and he snagged Red Bear??  

er. yes.  our girl was scared.  and we ignored her.

so we began discussing what could happen if this or that should occur? guilt and shame followed forgetting that we have all the love we want (and need) from our girl.

one is enough.  enough.

xo