two years.

wow.

the fact that today marks the day I was diagnosed with MS didn’t hit me until I was prepping myself to do my 3x/week Copaxone shot tonight.

(Tuesday night’s was a beast.  I still have an extremely tender two-inch red lump on my right thigh.)

tonight’s was easy breezy…fyi.  thank you God!

so yup, my two-year anniversary didn’t hit me until tonight.  I must have been distracted by all that is – including today being Talk Like a Pirate Day.  after this realization struck me, all I could mutter out loud to the dog was shit…and then laugh at myself.  no wonder the hub was being extra lovey this morning and appreciative of my appearance as I bounced out the door in my new white swan blouse and red suede heels.  love that blouse.  he even texted me after he got to work:  how you do today baby?  that didn’t even jog my memory.  he remembered though.  what an amazing man!

wow.

I officially forgot about it…

two years to make that happen.

xo

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month one. is done.

saw the clinical researcher yesterday.

showed him the photo of the massive reaction my bod had on Tuesday night.  still there.  but getting better with some numbness on top.

five-inch hot red raised welt.  with tiny raised bumps sprinkled across my skin like tiny stars.

ouch.  that one hurt!

what am I putting in my body?

my thoughts spiraled as I eyed the dangling welts from the last two weeks.

what am I doing to my body??

lots to consider.  pros/cons.  ifs.  buts.  whats??

bit too much for this girl.  but at the moment, I’m appreciating the fewer shots.  giving the dailies up for the day after joint pain.  and massive red welts.  huh.

we’ll see what and how I feel the next time I put on a bikini.

and watch my brain flash by in black ‘n white images after my next MRI.

and work my body out.

MS is kinda sucky.

but certainly the awakening I am awaiting.

a boy called Gus.

I type this while our little girl is snuggled up next to me.

her head resting on my thigh.

one long ear draped over my left wrist.

peaceful sighs leaving her body.  breathing in and out.

she purrs like our Chloe.  I have never heard a dog purr.  but our girl does.

I wonder if that’s something Monty would have taught Gus.

a boy we would have called Gus.  the dog we will never know.

it still makes be sad that we will never know him or see him grow.  what would have been our Gus stories?

yet we made the right decision not to take him.

we got caught up in the puppy love.  he was so soft and squishy.  who wouldn’t??

we just wanted more love in our house after the last few years we have had…too many losses.

but then wise reality started to wriggle her way in.  think of the effort, she whispered.  and time.  the messes.  the frustrations.  his size.  and your poor girl was scared, remember?? what would happen if they were home alone together, and he snagged Red Bear??  

er. yes.  our girl was scared.  and we ignored her.

so we began discussing what could happen if this or that should occur? guilt and shame followed forgetting that we have all the love we want (and need) from our girl.

one is enough.  enough.

xo

week one. done.

week one on Copaxone 40mg/3x/week is DONE.

and all I can say is, I’m completely…no, utterly sold on the new freedom 3x a week is bringing.  and I just feel better all the way around.

so much freedom, the hub and I are considering doggy #2.  (we’re crazy, I know.  but no babies, so fur babies are a good replacement.)  this guy is older – ten – and needs a home.  we’ll see what doggy #1 has to say about this.  she’s got the floor on this one!

back to the clinical trial…

other than my regular nasty red welts that take 48+ hours to go away.  nothing is different.  well, the only thing that’s new is some joint pain day following injection.  related?  don’t know, but keeping tracking track of everything in my Teva diary.

that’s the latest scoop from my neck of the MS world.  pretty darn grateful.

what’s new with you?  do tell.  😉

xo

trial run.

so, it’s been confirmed:  I’m officially participating in a Teva clinical trial to play with the new three times a week therapy that is moving toward FDA approval in approximately one year.  the new 40mg syringes are being compared to the existing once a day 20mg therapy…so I could have been selected for what I’m already on…figured it was worth a try!

and finally yesterday, I found out I was randomized for the 40mg/3x/week!  super excited!  four days a week I do not have to experience the pain of an injection – yahoo!!

cool factor>>while I really wanted to give the 40mg a try, I knew I could not control the outcome….so I gave the decision up to the Universe…un-gripping my attachment to the outcome…and look what happened!  note to self:  do that often.

keep y’all posted on how it goes.  I kinda butchered my first shot yesterday @ the doc’s office, but the clinical researcher said it looked like I got most of it in…as I watched with terror as about half of the liquid spilled out on the table.  I blame the new AutoJect 2 pen I received.  sure.  no user error involved.  nope.  😉

I am setting the intention that this journey to be less exciting, less painful, and more freeing than my last adventures in learning how to self-administer injections.  🙂

xo

ps.  I have been posting a daily What Went Well (WWW) on FB these days a la Positive Psychology style.  wheeee! – it’s been so fun…and certainly helps keep my positive mojo flowing.  been thinking I should start a separate blog stream for my daily WWWs.  huh.  I’m copying them all into my daily Morning Pages.  maybe something I will focus on for the writing class I just began on Tuesday…(I always gotta have something to relieve the work stress.)

what provides you relief from the daily life, work, family, relationship stressors out in the world?  share below!  xo

sweet spot.

getting in the zone.  don’t you just love it when that happens?!  I don’t know about you, but I sure do.  😉

Suzanne McRae wrote about this topic earlier this week.   check out her amazing blog!  (we met in EFT training last summer; she’s brilliant.)

finding the sweet spot is a concept that has been rolling around in my head for the last few weeks…as I have been feeling like I’m in the zone much more frequently than usual.

sometimes it feels too good to be true (!)…and then what happens after that thought shows up?  life throws a curveball.  go figure.  you know what I’m talking about if you believe in the law of attraction.  😉

for me the sweet spot is a feeling of expansion, oneness, and low-grade (non-MS) buzzing throughout my entire body…I can see the future before it happens…I know what is about to arrive.

yet without any sort of attachment to the outcome.

everything was, is, and will be in perfect sync.

the sweet spot showed up when the hub and I were in Vegas last weekend celebrating our anniversary…and the universe was giving back exactly the same vibe I was pushing out there.  everything, every person aligned with my version of perfection.  we were surrounded by happy, joyful, friendly people.  those who were not, faded quietly away.  and the casino.  oh boy.  it definitely wanted to give back.

the hub and I even decided to test what was going on…I refocused my attention to the outcome of winning lots and lots of money.

and what happened? I began losing.  after a long winning streak.

so I quickly reverted to my feelings of goodwill and a positive, grounding vibe.

and sure enough, the Uni jumped on that too.  nuff-said.

when do you get in your sweet spot?  what happens when you get there?  share below!

xo

the halfway point.

talked to my girlfriend last week, and she made a point that has made all the difference.  both in my working and personal life…ahem, whose work life isn’t personal?

she said, we can only meet people at the halfway point.  the other half is up to them.

that’s their business.

you can’t control them and force them to meet you in the middle.  and who looks like the fool when doing that?

um.  yours truly.  sorry honey.

I had never looked at things like that.  I always have felt like I needed to pull more weight  and do more.  and make it my fault when there wasn’t anything given back.

at various times in my life when it was clear I wasn’t getting back what I invested, I silently defected.  (turns out I’m not a big fan of confrontation.  yet still blamed myself.)

why do I keep doing that?  I ask myself.  I have even asked my current posse of best friends not to let me do this(!)…

looking at that…it occurs to me….why should they be responsible for my behavior?  uh huh.

I know this has more to do more with my fears and my issues than anything else.

so now, I give it to my stopping point (right at the edge of my comfort zone).

and then actually stop.  and un-attach from the outcome.

and if I happen to receive in return, I fully embrace it with immense gratitude and love.  and embrace that I even have the opportunity to give it in the first place.  😉

and if there is nothing to receive.

that’s okay too.

xo

slippage.

how easy it is to slip into the company of unhappy when it comes a JOB.

both the mental unhappy – why aren’t things different?

and the emotional unhappy – why can’t I do more than just this JOB?

er. because this is what I signed up for…hello!

…and how super easy it is (for me) to slip in the yuck when someone else is feeling fearful.

I have a tendency to jump right off the high dive with ‘em… whaaat?

can feel my heart beat quickening.  but not in a good way.

my pulse pumping blood through my veins.  I know my BP increases when I feel this way;  if I look down @ my chest, I can see how fast blood is pumping in and out of my heart.  not my heart beat.

but the pressure-full blood moving in and out.

do I jump??  do I?

and then my ego, lizard voice begins to chime in.  or did she show up first?

huh.  she begins squawking out of my mouth.  well, she said x, then y, and can you believe it, that ZZZZ happened?  the ego pushes me right out there so I can be there with my friend…and what she’s going through.

not what I am.

my fear partner in crime chimes in and says, really, say more! with her eyes wide open.

and then the dialogue continues in a somewhat stilted symphony, until it reaches a crescendo that overwhelms both of us.

and we take pause.  and I realize what I’m doing.  she realizes what we’re doing.

we look at each other.  and laugh.

without saying anything, we both realize how nut-so ridiculous we are being – who wants to be the whiner?

but it bonds so gracefully.  😉

we pause.  and breathe.  and begin to rejoice all the good that a JOB brings us…

and then everything returns to baseline.  phew!

I see myself doing this almost every day.  it’s so easy to slip into the negative – yet I hate going there, it feels crappy.  when all I really want to do is coast the sparkly rainbow highway.  which is always overhead.  and certainly not over-rated.

do you do this?  I know I can’t be the only mulligan or corporate junkie who does.

come on, and share.  I’ll jump right in there with ya.  😉

xo

seven lives.

I laid my kitty, Chloe, to rest this week.

ooooph.

how it hurt.  how I cried.  and petted her lifeless body.

the vet hugged me when it was over.  how did she know that was exactly what I needed?

just moments before, Chloe had turned to me, and rolled over on her back for me to rub her.  just as she had done when she was eight weeks old.  back in 1995.

she knew then that she found a lover for life.

and, at the end, she also knew it was her time.

what an honor to do this for her.  it was so peaceful.

she was suffering.  blind.  deaf.  unable to jump like she used to.

and senile.

didn’t know where the box was.  or what that white wall wanted to do with her.  she would howl at it endlessly.

until I would pick her up.  and she would try to mew, with no sound.

I would plead her to tell me what she was seeing.  no such luck.

I made this decision for her, which was stricken with guilt.  sadness.  and freedom.

whaaaat?

the trifecta creeps in daily.

but, I have reconciled that this was right.  and that she is up in heaven with her sista, Delilah, and brotha, Jr.  though she never liked Jr.  ;-(

my sweet Chloe girl was my first kitty choice.  and she went out my last kitty.

four days in, I still look for her.  and expect her to be balled up next to me on the couch.

there’s a tale here.

interspersed with six other cats.  but not tonight.

she was my first, and my last kitty.  who lived through three (at least!) falls from our loft.  the last one, six inches from me, as I was standing below.  she was a stubborn delicate trooper.  a grey cloud of fur.  my grey spirit.

may she rest in peace.  sweet Chloe girl.

xoxo

fear.

do you ever look at some people, and wonder how they managed to get where they are?

how did they make that leap?

what was the turning point?

did they ever have any fear?

if they were scared, when did the fear stop??!!

and most importantly, how do they make it look so dang easy?!!!

these questions float through my thoughts daily.  yep.  daily.

~

this weekend was a lot about trying to side-step fear – with a sh*tload of yeah-buts.  you know – what a yeah-but is.  an excuse.  a reason NOT to move forward.

turns out, the only way to deal with fear is to go right at it.  and power through it.

the only way.

once you do, you can look back, and say, wow, that sure scared the shit out of me.  but it wasn’t that bad once I did it.  what was my problem?!

yeah-but, comes your lizard voice.  again.  (they still show up in the after-party.)  you still you might screw up and make a mistake.  that’s okay.  you want to screw up…it’s the only way to grow. learn.  tweak.  and refine.  the learning from that mistake and every mistake after that, is worth it.  all you need to do is reset and redirect.  and rock ‘on!  power on.

huh.  wow.

it never is as bad as we think it will be.  because the magnitude of what we make up in our minds is such a stretch from reality, it’s no wonder people stay stuck.  when we really don’t have to…

~

saturday.  workshop with my good friend, Karen.  awesome…and I met a girl I was supposed to meet.  one of my work peeps had been trying to introduce us for months.  and then there she was at a random, unrelated workshop.  crazy, huh?!  I love it when stuff like this happens.

the universe always delivers.  eventually…  😉

~patience; waiting to receive.  gratitude.  and allowing it in when it happens.~

we talked a lot about fear @ the workshop.

I can’t do what I want to do because of XY and that bugger Z.  and what if W happens?  then where will I be??!!  nowhere!!  the horror!!!

umm, right where I am but with W along for the ride.  oh.  right.  yeah-but…

sunday.  yesterday, I faced my shame and fear head on.  I had been avoiding riding with a group of peeps who ride for MS.  people I don’t know.  but they kept inviting me in.  and all I could do was run away.  yep.  brilliant.  I had avoided this for three+ years.  before and after the MS joined the journey.

turns out, I had decided to lean heavily into my false belief:  I can’t ride that far (these people ride 100 miles every other day ;-).   I’m definitely not strong enough, and I don’t know them well enough to show them my insecurities.  or my strength.

geez, I sure let that string of beliefs rule my actions.  so I didn’t ride with ’em.  yeah-but I still felt the shame of not riding.  ;-P  perfect example for Self-Coaching 101.  hehe.

so yesterday, the hub and I biked with this group for the first time.  19.6 miles.

after all that fear I made up in my mind, it stopped me from moving forward.  but once I told that belief to go pound sand, I decided to ride with an uber-friendly group of peeps who it turns out, are my people.  and the new friend that I met on Saturday decided to ride too, and didn’t think that 20 miles sounded like a long ride.  and, yes, she thought I could do it.  easy-peasy.

so what did I do:  I did it.  and it felt so good.  screaming as I plummeted down a super long and steep hill overlooking the ocean.   even after nearly eating it after a cramp decided to grab onto my right foot.  and hearing words from my cousin, keep your eyes on the road, as I nearly bounced off my bike after taking my eyes off the road.

what fear do you have that you want help powering through?

think about it.  because life’s just way too short.

xox

ps.  one of my fave quotes…what would you do if you could not fail…?  unknown author.  if you know, share below!