Done with 2014.

Almost a year since I blogged.  WTH?

Quick self-indulgent catch up from 2014:

1.  Bring on February – new job.  The best move I’ve made of recent career life.  I had no idea how much stress I put my soul and my body through over the last five years…until I stopped doing that old job.  Cool.  How much I learned about being a manager once I was no longer a manager.  Every manager should give that a go.

2.  Bring on 40 – April.  That whole month was rotten.  And not because of the number.  I have never felt so young (and not in a good way) as I did when I turned 40.  That was my lowest point of the year.  BUT, I still had a rockin’ brilliant party.

3.  Bring on some minor flares that speckled the entire year.  Grrrr.  The beast that lives within likes to remind me that she’s there.  From fatigue to pain to increasing eye problems….she lurks in the shadows waiting to rumble with me.  But nothing too serious.  Thank God!  On this topic, I also added acupuncture to my regimen.  LOVE it!  Saturdays  – after boot camp… 😉  Oh, and I switched treatments officially to three shots/week.  Grrr, but way better than seven.

4.  Bring on BOOT CAMP.  Best thing I’ve done for myself over the last nine years – I began working my body a month after turning 40.  Whoooweee – so much fun.  So hard.  I love it.  This was one of the few times that I didn’t over-think joining HB Fit Body Boot Camp, and then followed the trainer to Ultrafit Boot Camp.  Talk about a life reset.  My body loves it.  My soul loves it.  My energy levels have improved, my muscle spasms – so much better, and my overall well-being = almost brilliant.  I have muscles now!  I think all my friends are beginning to roll their eyes, when I start out with…”At boot camp…” >> every conversation includes a boot camp mention…I love it that much.

5.  Bring on the first BIG road trip of my life.  From Huntington Beach to Portland.  Trips to Vegas don’t count….Though, I wouldn’t mind one of those.  2100 miles in 8 days.  Brilliant.

6.  25 miles on the bike.  Bring it.  Been there and did that in October.  For MS.  YES!  Also a top Bike MS fundraiser – second year running.  Can’t wait to do the ride again this year.

7.  Bring on writing.  Another 50K words slapped down on the page, and I’m 9K words away from completing my first official rough rough draft of 110K words.  Note to self:  DO that.

8.  Holidays at home with our kids.  Mwah.  Though this year, I know I’ll be itching to get away…sorry fur babies!

9.  Wine club with the girls.  ‘Nuff said.

Hello 2015.  The hub and I will celebrate 10 years of married bliss in July.  Ha!  What’s up for you in 2015?

xo

PS.  Hardly any proof-reading on this one…so forgive me.

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> 50K words.

done and done.

in 29 days.  wowzer!  all in accordance with NaNoWriMo guidelines.  50K words in the month of November.  fiction.  new.

how much fun November was!  I cannot remember a better, more fun, fulfilling span of time!

how good, strong, and healthy did I feel.

now I can finally say that I have written 50,000 words of fiction.

currently, words are escaping me.  as the hub said tonight, I can take a break.

but I’m not done yet! was my reply.  as I scratched out chapters 7-13 titles last night.

so I will continue.

I have not felt more alive than did over the last month.  so why not?

will the real unicorn please stand up?

xo

ps.  last MRI results = beautiful.

fiction #8? the bookstore. Jillie finds the first book that might help.

“Ann Boroch?”  I repeated as I stared numbly at the title of the book in my hands, Healing Multiple Sclerosis.

“Do you think it’s a hard ‘k‘ sound?  Or a swoosh type finish? OR is it like chai tea?”  I asked Anya, annoyed at everyone who has ever had a hard last name to pronounce.

“What does it matter?”  Annie asked.

“It matters to me,” I said with an edge to my voice.  “Why can’t anything be simple with this beast?”

I turned the blue soft-hard-back over, looking for a hint of some sort of solution without having to read the 300+ pages.

“Here, you read it first, you’re a fast reader,”  I said shoving the copy into Annie’s hands.

“Do you want me too?  Why don’t we read it together?  We can hold a mini-book club meeting once we’re finished.  Or even check in as we read.  Come on girl.  You gotta read this stuff.  I’ll do it with you,” she said softly.

“Fine.  I just hope I don’t have to jump on the green juice wagon or whatever it is that’s popular with you kids these days – if I do it, you’re doing it too.” I said stiffly grabbing a second copy.

xo

tap happy.

just watched Nick Ortner, author of the soon to be released book, The Tapping Solution…interview Louise Hay. wowzer!

she is 86. holy moly. she is rocking her life! and looks awesome! happy.

I believe in tapping. it’s so easy. yet hard to wrap your left brain around.

give it a go, I dare ya!

~

been leaving the blog alone this last week.

too much going on in real life. which makes me feel like I’m supposed to be writing. I should be writing.

but I’m not. words sometimes avoid me at times like this. and that’s okay.

but tonight on the way home from work, I was hit with minor inspiration. legs rippled with goosebumps. so that’s def a good sign. 🙂

see…I have been taking the MBTI (Myers-Briggs) Step II course – which further deconstructs one’s MBTI personality type. so super cool! I love, love it. it makes my type make even more sense to me. if that’s ever going to be possible. 😉

seems like I’m a glutton for contradiction. one of my facets is casual – out of preference – of course! and another one is planful. huh? how do those two work together.

but when I thought about it, I realized that I plan out casual-time. aha!

so I have a plan to draft out all my character’s personalities. long weekend this weekend. this is going on the plan-full list. 😉

here’s the rub.

my grandma has been in the hospital – which has had me on a constant side-bar. that’s okay.

all I can say is that there is nothing like holding your sweet grandma’s hand.

she held my hand up yesterday and out in front of her. she turned it around in her hand…and opened her eyes to stare at my engagement ring.

“it’s so beautiful,” she said in a garbled voice.

I will never forget that.

once she was satisfied, she laid both our hands down on her right side. and squeezed my hand tight. I squeezed back.

God, I pray that you ease my Grandma’s fears as she moves in the evening hour of her life.

I talked to her doc today.

he thinks she had a stroke – which is why she can’t move her left side. but nothing has shown up on a CT scan.

she is so confused and scared…and the doc wants her in a more peaceful environment. which is NOT in a hospital. she moved tonight. phew!

that’s the latest people…hope you are enjoying every moment…I sure am.

xoxo

yellow dream scape.

dreamed a lot last night. in yellow.

kinda freaks me out a bit; I dreamed only in yellow last year before my monster flare.

and last night under the pouring rain, I opened up with a dream flare.  I could not see things as they are.  objects started to morph right before my eyes.  I could not read.  what I already knew was in front of me.  and a huge black spot showed up…was at work when it hit.  people changed in front of my eyes.  everything evened out.  distortion was reduced quite a bit.  every hard object became soft.  and then I was in a car.  and I was riding in front of it, but still directing the vehicle.  soft yellows all around.

sidebar>>>maybe this was a result of working on my giraffe photos last night??  I had a sense I was super tall.

and then I awoke this morning after dreaming of planning a work holiday party at disneyland.  I was put in charge of planning.  or did I assign myself that duty?  the big boss then took it over.  it ended up being $60/head once he agreed to only serve water.  it was the venue that I was more interested in than anything.  and doing a good job planning each of my three options. I also had mini-golf and something else (can’t remember what the something else was) on the venue list…but disney was the answer.  maybe it was a movie theatre?  while I didn’t receive any props for my efforts, I was happy when the work peeps had a good time.

huh.  maybe the third option will resurface in a moment of deja vu.

must work on deconstructing both dreams.  though the obvious seems so obvious.

been sleeping SUPER good this week while on vacation – probably why the dreams are becoming so vivid.  my body naturally wants nine hours and fifteen minutes of sleep time.  feels so good!

what did you dream about last night?  I dare ya to share!

xo

46/50: weight a second?

dear Universe,

so while driving home tonight, I was thinking about how I’m gaining weight.  and how I feel about that.

maybe you can help me out here!

not sure I like it, but I like how much more healthy I’m looking and feeling these days.

there’s that unfortunately/fortunately dichotomy again.

I lost ten pounds post-diagnosis.  stressed about an auto-immune disorder and eating did NOT work for me.  I know that weight has been returned to my body.  plus.

trying not to think about the WG too much.  as you know what that does.  I know you know that I know.  but sometimes I forget.  😉

must be why I have stopped reading, The Four Day Win.

because I’m cool with gaining some weight, right?

uh huh.  no, no.

don’t need to acknowledge I have been eating everything in sight.

all day long while at work.

embarrassed that every time my new boss walks into my office, I’m eating.  he’s gonna have to say something one of these days.

and never-mind the hershey kisses.  I can’t stop buying bags of them, for my work peeps, of course.  uh huh.  esp. those white chocolate peppermint kisses of loveliness.

a box of crackers.  no problem.  a day max, it takes me to eat.  the whole box.  they’re gluten-free though!

I won’t even step on the scale.  I just don’t want to know.

not to mention, I have also stepped off the bike since the MSRide.  even the stationary bike has been stagnant.

and of course, while blogging daily…multiple times/day, there is just not enough time in the day….to do everything my mind and body want to do….so some things just HAVE to slip.

uh huh.  right.

dang!

maybe I’ll try the not worrying about my weight part of this equation and see what happens.  by focusing on gaining/not gaining weight, I’ll gain weight.  it’s standard LOA stuff.  I know this.

but now, I’m a bit muddled up…I don’t want to send mixed messages!  so what should I be thinking about?? help!  I know, I know, you’ll probably want me to explore the WHY of all this.  and is it TRUE that I’m gaining weight?

maybe I’ll just focus on feeling good right now in my body, because it sure has been feeling good lately.

please help.

sincerely,

confused.

xox

39/50. playing with needles?

11 blog posts to go in order to hit my 50 in 30 days.

a couple waiting patiently.  have already drafted 50/50.  so far it’s my favorite.  expect a few more snips of fiction.

but here’s a snippet of MS reality.  one that I would not classify as play time.

~

argh!!  how I hate my daily injections!

my back side is spotted and lumpy.  never know which injection is going to hurt.  1/10 I don’t even feel.  the other 9 burn and sting like a wasp stuck under my skin.  sometimes a big wasp.  sometimes a baby wasp.  they are all different.

but as I have mentioned previously, my hub keeps reminding me, better there than on your brain.

that is what I force myself to remember every time I release the AutoJect, which rapid fires 20 mg of Copaxone under my skin.

injecting in my stomach the last few nights.  much easier there.  stopped injecting in my arms.  as the Copaxone started eating away at my muscle tissue.  also scratched the legs for the same reason.  I still have a 1.5 inch divot on my right thigh.

rookie mistake:  pushing too hard into the flesh with the AutoJect.  for you newbies out there, don’t do that!

so now, I just keep track of the shots on my back side by the lumps that are still red.  don’t punch there.  or there.

Friday night I skipped.  freedom!

but then I worry.

I know my WBC count is up, if my swollen lymph nodes are any indication.

what if a few stray WBCs get through to my brain and start munching again?

huh.

freaky!

but a bit of a reality.  so I keep injecting.

so grateful that is an option for me.  despite the fact that it costs my insurance company $4300.

per month!

can’t wait until BG-12 gets FDA approval!  it will be just as costly, I suspect, but without the literal physical sting.

check out a NYTimes article on BG-12…

BG-12 shows promise!

big ps.  on another note, I get so tired bored reading that MS is a progressive degenerative disease.

it doesn’t feel progressive or degenerative to me!  most days.  😉

in fact, MS released me from myself, which feels more restorative than degenerative.

maybe that is the progressive part of its nature.

xo

35/50: letting go of having a fantastic Thanksgiving…

and ending up having a perfect holiday!

we didn’t have anything really planned. other than lunch yesterday with the fam.  (this fyi, is so unlike me.  being a J, that I am.)

and on the way home we decided to stop for some fixin’s for dinner.

turkey breast.  (last one!)

white rose potatoes for baking.  and then mashing.

stuffing.

gravy.

cool whip.

sweet potato pie.

perfect!

then we hung with a super close friend after we had our thanksgiving dinner #2.

this was really an uninteresting post.

but it was what it was.  a good day.  🙂

(though I’m still carrying a headache from last week.  serious argh!)

ooops!  did I really just say that!  maybe I should take my own advice and let go of not having a headache.  huh.

what are you peeps up to today?

xo

34/50: what was I gonna write about again?

got it – attachment to outcome!

ok – bizarre-O – just said the above title, and the answer shortly followed.

love it when that happens!  good example for today’s theme, which I have written about previously.

have been experimenting with this theme for the last month, and I am loving the outcome!!

but in an un-attached sort of way… ha!

so, how many times have you wanted something to the point of frustration?

when is it going to show up?

where the heck is it?

why doesn’t he/she like me?

where is the MONEY?!

where is the happy?

why doesn’t may boss treat me with respect?

why, why, why?

and it’s all you can think of to the point of carefully constructing events surrounding what you want, in hopes of making it happen.

or maybe you don’t.  maybe you just like to discuss the lack of what you want into the next millennium.

but one thing is always the same:  I don’t have what I want.

and that is all that you’re putting out there, the lack of what you want.

so more lack is what keeps showing up.

go figure.

I know for me, that when I’m grabby for an outcome, it usually never happens.  or if it does happen, it’s just a faded version of what we thought we wanted.

I am queen of grabby for what I want.  but things began to shift, once I recognized this behavior.

(what is it they say, acknowledgment is the first step in recovery? 😉

one example from  yesterday…

a family member had been pretty grabby after an uncle passed:  I should have gotten that piece of furniture after so and so died!!  but, as soon as she let it go, the piece showed up out of the blue!  literally.  and randomly.  so cool!

look around you today – black friday – lots of grabby peeps out there in the USA today!  let’s pray no one gets trampled this year!

do you have an example of something you desperately wanted. and then made a conscious decision to let it go.  and then it showed up at a later point in time?

right now, I’m grabbing to hit 170 page views in one day.  I have to hit 170.  because right now, I’m sitting on 169, and it reminds me of a very dark day – the day my cousin died.

huh.  just writing that down, made me realize, it could be a good thing to have a daily reminder.  of someone who pursued life with passion.  huh.

maybe I’ll consider dropping this grab.  😉

xox

 

33/50. post t-day.

169 is what I have to must exceed.

more on this later.  but today was a reminder.

new topic:  how was your thanksgiving??

ours was brilliant.  more ways than one.

food-o-rama.

positive affect.

family.

friends.  new friends.  new love.

love it!!

also finished the Vintage Affair today.  after having this book for years!  fab.

would have preferred a bit more @ the end.

but I love a story that ties everything up into an almost perfect bow.

interesting past tense post present tense dialogue.  huh.  must explore more!

so inspired me to keep writing about my Anya and Jillie.

17 to go people!  odd for me this morning.  I wrote my first blog in my morning pages.  that never happens!

guess new things are a-happening!  yeah!!

how was your day??

best part of today:  the hub and I left a $30 tip at breakfast.

xox