Longest time…

…since I have posted.  Longest time since I began blogging in 2011.  Go figure.  I might just be over the…you know what.

Er. no offense on any front.

I love blogging.  But, lots going outside of my writing world since the new year.  Visit from my oldest younger sista.  Fab!

New job = brilliant.

Plus with the added bonus…

I feel the healthiest…and strongest I have in…years.  Seriously.

Turns out my brain needed a massive reset.  Along with daily physical workouts.

Tomorrow I have the dreaded weekly Monday reports…but I will overcome!  Other than Monday reports – it is brilliant.  Everything I wanted.  Creativity.  Logic.  Getting sh*t done.  I am 100% accountable for me.  No one else.

Wow.  Who knew what a weight my old job was on me… I felt responsible for every single person on my team.  Including myself.

I could not be happier on the work front…well, until I finish the official first draft of my novel…quietly resting in the background.  For the first time since end of November, today, I felt the familiar (but overdue) heat begin to burn…

Inspired after reading an essay on FB tonight…which brought tears to my eyes…I can’t NOT do this.

…so I will resume the adventures of my Tasha, JayZen, Patrick, and Sara…all guided by an invisible unicorn…or?

Who knew that unicorns are so popular these days…?

or maybe they always were…

xox

dreaming.

As 2013 begins to close out, I dreamed of a burning overstuffed kitchen trashcan this morning. The flames licked the papers and trash, dangerously close to spilling onto our wood floors.  I desperately looked around for water to put out the smoke-less fire, but could not find any thing to douse the flames.  In frustration and fear, I attempted to close the plastic trash bag around the flames, but ended up irritating the fire further…

I then woke up poking my husband in the arm to please tell me that he put out the fire in the kitchen? Only answer I received was a string of chuckles.  Apparently, I have been sleep talking this week.

(Time away from work-work does that to me.)

This wasn’t my first burning dream, but it’s been at least a decade since the last one.  Long time ago I had repeat dreams that an errant cigarette smoldered under the sheets in my bed…

During a time when I was experiencing massive change in my life on many levels.

I am, of course, curious to find out what this means to/for me now, a decade later, when life has been relatively stable. (Er., outside of MS joining the party along with too many family losses.)  Or is this simply the result of leaning into Stephen King’s masterpiece, On Writing?

But, I have a hunch there is change yet again on the near horizon…Year of the Horse will soon be upon us and my first book (draft) complete by end Q1.  Oooh, I just got goosebumps typing that.  Can’t help it.  Do I dare share my draft title?!  Uh.  Not yet.  😉 Let’s just say it’s chick-lit, laced with some self-help woo-woo and maybe a unicorn or two.  Er, writing a book within a book is d*mn hard!

Huh.  Change.

Book?  Changes with work?  Back to school? A Master’s degree?!  New friends?  Turning 40. (No ? required for that last one.)   Travel?  New home?  All appear to be waiting up ahead, but oddly…things feel closer than they have in the past.  Whooo hoo!  Bring it!

What fires you up ahead in 2014?!  Do share!!

Wishing you the most happy, healthy, and abundant year ahead!  I am so grateful that you take the time from your day to read my nonsensical keystrokes!  I still giggle any time someone finds my blog when searching for INFJ Death Stare…which happens almost every other day…

Have a safe New Year’s out there people!!

xox

20,003 words.

skipped Thursday (mostly), Friday (completely), Saturday (sparse, at best).

but today, I conquered a protagonist becoming bored with me.  her work week is over (she dreads weekends).

and of course, overcoming the 20K words.

goal for the week.

GRRR.  another 10K awaits.

along with work stress. and a desire to hang out with friends, both of the human variety.  and furry.

but, I will keep writing.  the words flowed easily once I realized I was not wearing my new writing corduroy jeans.   they are clean now, no worries.

tomorrow, begins my book within a book.  feeling a little intimidated by this, but, whatever.

have a good week, and write on!

xo

 

 

month one. is done.

saw the clinical researcher yesterday.

showed him the photo of the massive reaction my bod had on Tuesday night.  still there.  but getting better with some numbness on top.

five-inch hot red raised welt.  with tiny raised bumps sprinkled across my skin like tiny stars.

ouch.  that one hurt!

what am I putting in my body?

my thoughts spiraled as I eyed the dangling welts from the last two weeks.

what am I doing to my body??

lots to consider.  pros/cons.  ifs.  buts.  whats??

bit too much for this girl.  but at the moment, I’m appreciating the fewer shots.  giving the dailies up for the day after joint pain.  and massive red welts.  huh.

we’ll see what and how I feel the next time I put on a bikini.

and watch my brain flash by in black ‘n white images after my next MRI.

and work my body out.

MS is kinda sucky.

but certainly the awakening I am awaiting.

a boy called Gus.

I type this while our little girl is snuggled up next to me.

her head resting on my thigh.

one long ear draped over my left wrist.

peaceful sighs leaving her body.  breathing in and out.

she purrs like our Chloe.  I have never heard a dog purr.  but our girl does.

I wonder if that’s something Monty would have taught Gus.

a boy we would have called Gus.  the dog we will never know.

it still makes be sad that we will never know him or see him grow.  what would have been our Gus stories?

yet we made the right decision not to take him.

we got caught up in the puppy love.  he was so soft and squishy.  who wouldn’t??

we just wanted more love in our house after the last few years we have had…too many losses.

but then wise reality started to wriggle her way in.  think of the effort, she whispered.  and time.  the messes.  the frustrations.  his size.  and your poor girl was scared, remember?? what would happen if they were home alone together, and he snagged Red Bear??  

er. yes.  our girl was scared.  and we ignored her.

so we began discussing what could happen if this or that should occur? guilt and shame followed forgetting that we have all the love we want (and need) from our girl.

one is enough.  enough.

xo

sweet spot.

getting in the zone.  don’t you just love it when that happens?!  I don’t know about you, but I sure do.  😉

Suzanne McRae wrote about this topic earlier this week.   check out her amazing blog!  (we met in EFT training last summer; she’s brilliant.)

finding the sweet spot is a concept that has been rolling around in my head for the last few weeks…as I have been feeling like I’m in the zone much more frequently than usual.

sometimes it feels too good to be true (!)…and then what happens after that thought shows up?  life throws a curveball.  go figure.  you know what I’m talking about if you believe in the law of attraction.  😉

for me the sweet spot is a feeling of expansion, oneness, and low-grade (non-MS) buzzing throughout my entire body…I can see the future before it happens…I know what is about to arrive.

yet without any sort of attachment to the outcome.

everything was, is, and will be in perfect sync.

the sweet spot showed up when the hub and I were in Vegas last weekend celebrating our anniversary…and the universe was giving back exactly the same vibe I was pushing out there.  everything, every person aligned with my version of perfection.  we were surrounded by happy, joyful, friendly people.  those who were not, faded quietly away.  and the casino.  oh boy.  it definitely wanted to give back.

the hub and I even decided to test what was going on…I refocused my attention to the outcome of winning lots and lots of money.

and what happened? I began losing.  after a long winning streak.

so I quickly reverted to my feelings of goodwill and a positive, grounding vibe.

and sure enough, the Uni jumped on that too.  nuff-said.

when do you get in your sweet spot?  what happens when you get there?  share below!

xo

the halfway point.

talked to my girlfriend last week, and she made a point that has made all the difference.  both in my working and personal life…ahem, whose work life isn’t personal?

she said, we can only meet people at the halfway point.  the other half is up to them.

that’s their business.

you can’t control them and force them to meet you in the middle.  and who looks like the fool when doing that?

um.  yours truly.  sorry honey.

I had never looked at things like that.  I always have felt like I needed to pull more weight  and do more.  and make it my fault when there wasn’t anything given back.

at various times in my life when it was clear I wasn’t getting back what I invested, I silently defected.  (turns out I’m not a big fan of confrontation.  yet still blamed myself.)

why do I keep doing that?  I ask myself.  I have even asked my current posse of best friends not to let me do this(!)…

looking at that…it occurs to me….why should they be responsible for my behavior?  uh huh.

I know this has more to do more with my fears and my issues than anything else.

so now, I give it to my stopping point (right at the edge of my comfort zone).

and then actually stop.  and un-attach from the outcome.

and if I happen to receive in return, I fully embrace it with immense gratitude and love.  and embrace that I even have the opportunity to give it in the first place.  😉

and if there is nothing to receive.

that’s okay too.

xo

slippage.

how easy it is to slip into the company of unhappy when it comes a JOB.

both the mental unhappy – why aren’t things different?

and the emotional unhappy – why can’t I do more than just this JOB?

er. because this is what I signed up for…hello!

…and how super easy it is (for me) to slip in the yuck when someone else is feeling fearful.

I have a tendency to jump right off the high dive with ‘em… whaaat?

can feel my heart beat quickening.  but not in a good way.

my pulse pumping blood through my veins.  I know my BP increases when I feel this way;  if I look down @ my chest, I can see how fast blood is pumping in and out of my heart.  not my heart beat.

but the pressure-full blood moving in and out.

do I jump??  do I?

and then my ego, lizard voice begins to chime in.  or did she show up first?

huh.  she begins squawking out of my mouth.  well, she said x, then y, and can you believe it, that ZZZZ happened?  the ego pushes me right out there so I can be there with my friend…and what she’s going through.

not what I am.

my fear partner in crime chimes in and says, really, say more! with her eyes wide open.

and then the dialogue continues in a somewhat stilted symphony, until it reaches a crescendo that overwhelms both of us.

and we take pause.  and I realize what I’m doing.  she realizes what we’re doing.

we look at each other.  and laugh.

without saying anything, we both realize how nut-so ridiculous we are being – who wants to be the whiner?

but it bonds so gracefully.  😉

we pause.  and breathe.  and begin to rejoice all the good that a JOB brings us…

and then everything returns to baseline.  phew!

I see myself doing this almost every day.  it’s so easy to slip into the negative – yet I hate going there, it feels crappy.  when all I really want to do is coast the sparkly rainbow highway.  which is always overhead.  and certainly not over-rated.

do you do this?  I know I can’t be the only mulligan or corporate junkie who does.

come on, and share.  I’ll jump right in there with ya.  😉

xo

fear.

do you ever look at some people, and wonder how they managed to get where they are?

how did they make that leap?

what was the turning point?

did they ever have any fear?

if they were scared, when did the fear stop??!!

and most importantly, how do they make it look so dang easy?!!!

these questions float through my thoughts daily.  yep.  daily.

~

this weekend was a lot about trying to side-step fear – with a sh*tload of yeah-buts.  you know – what a yeah-but is.  an excuse.  a reason NOT to move forward.

turns out, the only way to deal with fear is to go right at it.  and power through it.

the only way.

once you do, you can look back, and say, wow, that sure scared the shit out of me.  but it wasn’t that bad once I did it.  what was my problem?!

yeah-but, comes your lizard voice.  again.  (they still show up in the after-party.)  you still you might screw up and make a mistake.  that’s okay.  you want to screw up…it’s the only way to grow. learn.  tweak.  and refine.  the learning from that mistake and every mistake after that, is worth it.  all you need to do is reset and redirect.  and rock ‘on!  power on.

huh.  wow.

it never is as bad as we think it will be.  because the magnitude of what we make up in our minds is such a stretch from reality, it’s no wonder people stay stuck.  when we really don’t have to…

~

saturday.  workshop with my good friend, Karen.  awesome…and I met a girl I was supposed to meet.  one of my work peeps had been trying to introduce us for months.  and then there she was at a random, unrelated workshop.  crazy, huh?!  I love it when stuff like this happens.

the universe always delivers.  eventually…  😉

~patience; waiting to receive.  gratitude.  and allowing it in when it happens.~

we talked a lot about fear @ the workshop.

I can’t do what I want to do because of XY and that bugger Z.  and what if W happens?  then where will I be??!!  nowhere!!  the horror!!!

umm, right where I am but with W along for the ride.  oh.  right.  yeah-but…

sunday.  yesterday, I faced my shame and fear head on.  I had been avoiding riding with a group of peeps who ride for MS.  people I don’t know.  but they kept inviting me in.  and all I could do was run away.  yep.  brilliant.  I had avoided this for three+ years.  before and after the MS joined the journey.

turns out, I had decided to lean heavily into my false belief:  I can’t ride that far (these people ride 100 miles every other day ;-).   I’m definitely not strong enough, and I don’t know them well enough to show them my insecurities.  or my strength.

geez, I sure let that string of beliefs rule my actions.  so I didn’t ride with ’em.  yeah-but I still felt the shame of not riding.  ;-P  perfect example for Self-Coaching 101.  hehe.

so yesterday, the hub and I biked with this group for the first time.  19.6 miles.

after all that fear I made up in my mind, it stopped me from moving forward.  but once I told that belief to go pound sand, I decided to ride with an uber-friendly group of peeps who it turns out, are my people.  and the new friend that I met on Saturday decided to ride too, and didn’t think that 20 miles sounded like a long ride.  and, yes, she thought I could do it.  easy-peasy.

so what did I do:  I did it.  and it felt so good.  screaming as I plummeted down a super long and steep hill overlooking the ocean.   even after nearly eating it after a cramp decided to grab onto my right foot.  and hearing words from my cousin, keep your eyes on the road, as I nearly bounced off my bike after taking my eyes off the road.

what fear do you have that you want help powering through?

think about it.  because life’s just way too short.

xox

ps.  one of my fave quotes…what would you do if you could not fail…?  unknown author.  if you know, share below!

fiction #8? the bookstore. Jillie finds the first book that might help.

“Ann Boroch?”  I repeated as I stared numbly at the title of the book in my hands, Healing Multiple Sclerosis.

“Do you think it’s a hard ‘k‘ sound?  Or a swoosh type finish? OR is it like chai tea?”  I asked Anya, annoyed at everyone who has ever had a hard last name to pronounce.

“What does it matter?”  Annie asked.

“It matters to me,” I said with an edge to my voice.  “Why can’t anything be simple with this beast?”

I turned the blue soft-hard-back over, looking for a hint of some sort of solution without having to read the 300+ pages.

“Here, you read it first, you’re a fast reader,”  I said shoving the copy into Annie’s hands.

“Do you want me too?  Why don’t we read it together?  We can hold a mini-book club meeting once we’re finished.  Or even check in as we read.  Come on girl.  You gotta read this stuff.  I’ll do it with you,” she said softly.

“Fine.  I just hope I don’t have to jump on the green juice wagon or whatever it is that’s popular with you kids these days – if I do it, you’re doing it too.” I said stiffly grabbing a second copy.

xo