dreaming.

As 2013 begins to close out, I dreamed of a burning overstuffed kitchen trashcan this morning. The flames licked the papers and trash, dangerously close to spilling onto our wood floors.  I desperately looked around for water to put out the smoke-less fire, but could not find any thing to douse the flames.  In frustration and fear, I attempted to close the plastic trash bag around the flames, but ended up irritating the fire further…

I then woke up poking my husband in the arm to please tell me that he put out the fire in the kitchen? Only answer I received was a string of chuckles.  Apparently, I have been sleep talking this week.

(Time away from work-work does that to me.)

This wasn’t my first burning dream, but it’s been at least a decade since the last one.  Long time ago I had repeat dreams that an errant cigarette smoldered under the sheets in my bed…

During a time when I was experiencing massive change in my life on many levels.

I am, of course, curious to find out what this means to/for me now, a decade later, when life has been relatively stable. (Er., outside of MS joining the party along with too many family losses.)  Or is this simply the result of leaning into Stephen King’s masterpiece, On Writing?

But, I have a hunch there is change yet again on the near horizon…Year of the Horse will soon be upon us and my first book (draft) complete by end Q1.  Oooh, I just got goosebumps typing that.  Can’t help it.  Do I dare share my draft title?!  Uh.  Not yet.  😉 Let’s just say it’s chick-lit, laced with some self-help woo-woo and maybe a unicorn or two.  Er, writing a book within a book is d*mn hard!

Huh.  Change.

Book?  Changes with work?  Back to school? A Master’s degree?!  New friends?  Turning 40. (No ? required for that last one.)   Travel?  New home?  All appear to be waiting up ahead, but oddly…things feel closer than they have in the past.  Whooo hoo!  Bring it!

What fires you up ahead in 2014?!  Do share!!

Wishing you the most happy, healthy, and abundant year ahead!  I am so grateful that you take the time from your day to read my nonsensical keystrokes!  I still giggle any time someone finds my blog when searching for INFJ Death Stare…which happens almost every other day…

Have a safe New Year’s out there people!!

xox

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chocolate lake.

mmmmm.  mmmmm.

I love chocolate.  anyone who knows me, knows this.

so last night I had the most clear dream that I have had in some time.

and it all boiled down to the perfect chocolate lake.

whhaaaat?

I dreamed I was in a workshop with one of my book club chickee’s sister.

the concept of the workshop was to create a vanilla ice cream sculpture.  that’s it.  no rules.  my friend’s sister and I were paired up.  but each had to come up with our own concept.

I started out by rolling vanilla balls of ice cream.  you know.  a vanilla sculpture.  and, already I was concerned with how I was going to keep them in perfect form.

ice cream melts.

after spooling nine balls together they started slipping and sliding against each other.  it was a cold sloppy mess.

so I decided to change things up when I notice a former teacher directing the event in the background; the teacher who wouldn’t refund me my money last year when I bailed out after two sessions from four.  when I got sick.  come on, no sympathy refund for the final two sessions?

no refund policy.  no refund policy.

oooh…bitter was I!  was I going to show her!

so I decided to make the best d*mn ice cream sculpture that ever existed.

and so I did.

we were ‘allowed’ to add chocolate to our vanilla.

and so I did.  and kept stirring and stirring.

until i had a silky lake of shiny chocolate in my bowl.

I was going to win!  I knew it!

it was beautiful!  stunning.  everyone was oohing and aww-ing.

but wait…it still wasn’t perfect.  in my mind.

so I kept mucking with it.  and turning the ice cream soup over and over.

until it was that.  utter muck.

soooo disappointed.  defeated.

message quite clear:

don’t mess with something that is already perfect.

really that obvious?

was I more disappointed by the answer in my dream?

or in my waking state.

huh.

xoxo

on writing.

I dreamed of writing the outline for my chick-lit novel this morning.

was at a work lunch.  seated to my left was one of my former colleagues, whom I still see every now and then.

(btw, she shows up in my dreamscape whenever I am on a right path.)

bored by the conversation at the table.  I grab a blank piece of paper (from somewhere!) and begin writing single word draft titles for each of my eleven(?!) chapters.

now, I can’t recall all that I wrote – but one thing stands out: I could read the scribbles.  reading letters + dreaming usually don’t go together.

here’s what I do remember:

sensation.

creation.

failing.

job.

doctor.

advent.

rejection.

huh?

time to get writing.

pretty sure this dream inspiration manifested after dinner last night when my hub and I were discussing the Triangle of Writing that I had read about earlier this week.

given what a visual and project focused person I am, the Triangle of Writing Metrics, by Rachel Aaron snapped my attention.

and made it very clear why I have not written for weeks now.

I get it.

I need an outline.

I have been writing about Jillie and Anya willy-nilly.  free.  all over the place.  whatever pops to mind.  while enjoying it thoroughly.

I’m now stuck.  (funny, I just wrote ‘not’ instead of now…)

I don’t know where I’m going.  or what they are doing.  I have a mental picture.  but need something right in front of me to get rolling again.

you can read Rachel’s blog here…

how I went from writing 2000 words a day to 10000 words a day!

so there you have it:  I intend to put together an Anya and Jillian map this month.  bazingo! 😉

hope you all have a great weekend!  we have a weekend of cleaning and clearing out Xmas.  plus, I’m eagerly awaiting the results of my Myers-Briggs Step II assessment.  more training and self-discovery coming up!  🙂

xox

here’s some music to push you into a good mood…  🙂

 

40/50: the dream.

last night/this morning, I dreamed the following detailed below…unfortunately, no chocolate cake this time…but one of my less stressful work dreams (I have at least one per week!).

dream notes from my morning pages….

dream last night.  at work, which was UCI. and as I’m walking toward the gathering place, I can tell something is up.  I can feel it without a doubt.  I feel alone.

there are people everywhere watching to ensure nothing gets out of hand.  cops.  security.  all on the perimeter.  watching.  silently communicating with each other.

I walk by [HR woman], and ask her, what’s going on?  something’s up isn’t it?

she replies, yes, we’re having an all employee meeting.

here? I ask.

yes, just follow everyone out to the park.

whatever, I reply, but at that time I am certain that there is a layoff coming…

we are all gathered outside on the steps facing Aldrich park…and the CEO starts speaking.

thank you for your loyalty, but I bring this news with a heavy heart.  as you all know, we have been having a hard time lately and I must let go of 10% of the workforce in the US.  he stops, and wipes a tear from his right eye.

if you were not stopped and spoken to by someone of importance on you way here, you can be assured that you are in the 10% of the staff that is being let go.  if you were spoken to, please leave the area and return to work.  those who remain, we will cover your severance.  he concluded, excusing the still employed.

really, that’s it? I think to myself.

how do they know they got to everyone??  I wanted to yell.

but was vaguely satisfied in the background that I was standing with the rest of the severed employees.

and then I awoke.

xo

 

26/50: chocolate cake and Martha/Judi.

crazy dream this morning.

dreamed I was at the 2013 Martha Beck life coaching summit as an observer (since I’m not certified).

invited though (which was good).  but my job was undeniably just to watch others as they were there to complete their final challenge for certification: coach Martha Beck in person.

even though it was Martha, she looked just like Judi (my professor for MBTI training).

each life coach cadet was being video-taped as they coached Martha/Judi.

at first, I’m in the corner of the room, just observing as the cadets shuffle in and out.

finally, one of the cadets calls me over to do some live coaching on me.

I sit down at the formica’d desk. that was really narrow. Martha/Judi is sitting higher than both myself and the cadet attempting to coach me.  on the desk is a round chocolate cake and an audio recorder.

which I found odd, as I knew the whole room was being video’d.

while sitting there, I start fiddling with the audio player and end up accidentally running the cable for the audio player through the round gorgeous chocolate cake which is now topped with yellow roses.

the cable is covered in chocolate frosting.

oh sh*t. what do I do now? I gasp internally.

I know Martha/Judi have seen what I have done, but watching me to see what I will do next.

so I move the audio recorder to my lap, out of the camera’s and Martha’s view.  I guess.

weak attempt to avoid interfering with the cadet coach’s practice.

once on my lap, I discreetly try to wipe the cable off on my sweater.  quite unsuccessfully, but good enough.

and then stealthily return the audio unit to the table.

the woman who was coaching me, concluded that her hunch was that I’m now at a 1.3.  much better than the 1.8 with which I had sat down.

huh???  no wonder I’m not ready to be certified!  😉

internally I disagreed, but for Martha’s sake, and the woman’s sake, I nodded my head vigorously.

then I hear voices outside the door, so decide to depart the room and head outside…despite knowing that my behavior would be caught on TV and potentially influence future certification efforts with Martha.

I open the screen door, and outside are three women from my life coach training course! I was so excited – they were excited…and I woke up.

~must deconstruct this dream and figure out what the heck that chocolate cake means!~

xo

tmi! no, not really.

[sidebar>>>here’s where a stream of consciousness unfolds to where I am.  right now.  this blog took a sharp turn down history lane after I wrote the first sentence.]

sometimes I get overwhelmed by all the information out there…

period.  I worry about what I could be missing!  what if a class fills up and I can’t take it until next year!?  what if I miss a special limited offer?  what if I forget about something that looked super cool!

probably have the www to blame for this stress!

what did we do before the web??  really.  you wouldn’t be reading this – ha!

I can’t even imagine.  though I managed just fine in my college years.  old school.

but, omgoodness!  how my life would have been different if the www was alive and pulsing every second.   my sisters are so lucky!  they never knew anything different!

for one, it would have been so much easier to research colleges.

I wanted to go out of state…but couldn’t get access to information on what moving to a new state would be like!

really, I couldn’t have figured it out?!  seriously?

even sent away for applications to Dartmouth, Cornell, Boston, and Northwestern my sophomore year @ UCI.  ooooh yeah…!  the thought of going somewhere else far away gave me goosebumps!  gives me goosebumps now thinking back to how close I was to making a brilliant life changing decision when I was 19!

(no instead decided to make the most stupid life-changing decision a few years later! ha!)

I never submitted one app.  nose just wrinkled on its own when I wrote that last sentence.  really?  that’s my body-talk.

even when I was still in high school, I dreamed of going to school in the Pacific Northwest.  out of the blue I began receiving offers to visit the University of Puget Sound?  so applied to Humboldt State as my back-up safety school.  wanted to apply to Berkeley and Santa Barbara, but I received a wrinkled nose from my live-in parent on that idea.   so I never applied.

I even visualized that I was going to University of PS…and would lie in bed at night, dreaming of how relaxed it would be.  and cold.  how much I would get on with my roommate and new friends.  it would be like living in England again.  beautiful!

it then occurred to me that I would be totally on my own.  huh.  not that I wasn’t used to that!  but something just stopped me from even submitting an app.  as then I would not be faced with a DECISION.

that was the first time in my life that I consciously chose to ignore my inner body compass which was clearly talking to me.  at me.  loudly.  pushing me.  edging me to take a risk.  I can’t tell you how many brochures I digested over and over again in high school and during my first couple years @ UCI.  how many lives I dreamed about evolving.  into my own.  I even conjured up my hub – whom I would one day meet in Chicago.  on the El.  (didn’t quite work out that way – but he is from Chicago!)

what was stopping me?

I wish my adult self really knew.  and why.

what was going through my head back then?

security.  adventure.  safety.  passion.  living the life I wanted.  living a closed easy life.

there are dichotomies throughout my life.  either or.  never both.  my mind tells me it is always either or – can’t have both.  never!

but here I am presently doing both – working full-time in Corporate America and building out my small biz.  right now.  huh.

not so fast, dear, my fear lizard just started squawking.  there is plenty of time.

no, there’s really not, my Essential Self retaliates.

can you think of something your future self would regret your younger (current) self NOT doing?

if the answer is yes, I challenge you to dig deeper and explore why.  write down what thoughts start floating in. 😉

xoxo

the earth moved just a little today.

I spoke to someone today who has a family member with MS.

she got the MS in her late 20s.  she’s 46 now.

we both agreed that MS seems to be everywhere these days.

but perhaps that is just a matter of perspective.

this woman was just a few years younger than I was when the first symptom showed up.

for her, it has progressed.

she’s been in a wheel chair for the last six years.

after a good eight+ years of feeling good and strong.

unstoppable.

she is in a really bad place now.

and could possibly pass sooner rather than later.

that smacked me upside the head.

and my heart broke.

again.

that could be me in eight years.

for the first time I did not cry when faced with that reality.

instead, my eyes welled for this woman I have never met.  lying in the hospital on a ventilator.

really she could be any one of us trolling through this time-space-reality.

my own mortality feels so real close to me after last year.   even more so after my cousin passed.

I can feel the impermanence of physical life.

despite having an intense fear of being murdered in my sleep when I was ten years old …I know this is different.

thank God, I found God.

I have been so grateful to God every day for all that my hub and I have in our life…and beyond to our friends and family.  coworkers.  doctors.  healers.

I pray that God brings peace to this woman.  whatever that looks like for her.  only she knows.

geesh.  that just spilled out of me.  must have been burrowed in there still!

sorry for the buzz-kill people!

I have been realizing more often lately that I want to provide more support for the MS community.

now that I have made peace with my MS, I know that there is more I can give and do to help others.

so I will.

through a kind ear.  mentoring for newly diagnosed.  life coaching.  raising MS awareness.  career strategy counseling.  EFT.  dream analysis.  mind-make0vers.  😉

some way, some how I’m going to make this happen.  huh.  not going to worry about the when.  or the how. I know it’s in there waiting to bubble over!

xo

ps.  new email:  mindbodygallery@gmail.com .

fyi…

really digging the returning to school concept.  I like the idea of my name, followed by an M and an A.

ha!

had a call today with one school.

and they interviewed me.  was not expecting that!

very inspired.

but…for all practical purposes…timing must be considered.  finances.  and the weekly hourly commitment.

that’s all.

so, how is your week going?  I would love to know!

xo

PS.  know a cheap guitar instructor?  my beauty is still silently resting on the white leather recliner.

PPS.  realize I’ve been a bit off the blog lately, but that’s okay.  I’ll get back on.  I miss my dialogues.  been working on them in my psy-chick-lit novel instead.

PPPS.  ok…I’ll go completely off topic here.  cool dream over the past weekend.  full of animals.  loved it.  Saturday night, I dreamt of a family of seals, a polar bear, and a killer whale.  all on the same buoy.  off the coast in Huntington Beach.  really cool meanings.   again.   really cool.  goose-bumps galore.  so relevant for where I am in my life.  and I have never read up on any of the preceding totem animals until after I dreamed of them.  crazy.  last week I was visited by a talking hippo.  (in a dream, yes.)  wonder who is going to show up tonight.  😉

dreamland.

finally.  I have started to dream again.

fun~I love dreams!

in life coach training (LCT) we discussed how dreaming means things are starting to shift, move forward, change.  after being fairly dream-less for the last six months, it’s a relief to adventure into dreamland again.  yeah!

sidebar>>>though there was the one dream…the only really lucid dream I have ever had…that I played in a few months ago.  that was way cool.  I even levitated!  because I wanted to.  so I did.  after successfully completing the tests to confirm one is dreaming and not awake, I took control.  weird actually now that I think back to it.  I wasn’t walking in it.  hmmm.

dream analysis was one of my favorite modules from LCT.  the tools we learned are a combination of Martha Beck and Carl Jung.  both awesome.

analyzing dreams:  fun.  creative.  it opens up doors that many people have slammed shut.  it gives peeps a lot of insight into their own psyche.  you can even solve problems in your every day life, by closely examining your dreams.  I have seen this happen in my practice coaching sessions last year.  how cool is that?!  very.

so, I have had a classic recurring dream over the last fifteen odd years.  yikes!  it shows up frequently when I’m stressed.  which means it has been around a lot the last few years.  ha!  I probably had ten episodes of this dream last year alone.  before my legs conked out.  more than any other year.  then I shut down the last six months.  note:  shutting down = minimal dream activity.

the theme of this dream is always the same:  I board a plane knowing that it’s going to crash.

airline is always different.  or sometimes unknown.  and usually a large aircraft.  at least a 767.  one time it had a glass ceiling.  the airplane always takes off from a different airport.  heading to an unknown destination (except when I was on a plane that was going to plunge into the red rocks of Sedona!).  sometimes the plane hurtles between buildings and ducks under bridges in a metro city (Chicago, New York, and London…for example).  in one – we landed first – but the plane was still scheduled to fail on the second leg!  ugh.  I still remember that dream vividly.  actually, most of them I can recall.  occasionally I have friends with me, but more often I’m flying solo.  (like with everything…much better when friends are around.  🙂

so here’s how it plays out:  shortly after the plane takes off, it starts listing to one side.  oh sh*t, I think, it’s happening.  I look around me to find the rest of the passengers calm.  sedate.  a few are looking at me, wondering what’s wrong with me.  (think William Shatner in the Twilight Zone.)  or they’re asleep.  but, I can’t tell them that I know what is about to happen.  so I remain silent.  just very agitated as I’m staring out the window watching the ground move toward us.  having zero control.  before the plane hits the ground, I wake up.

end of story.  that’s it.  anti-climactic.  huh?

every time I wake up breathing hard, and unable to fall back asleep.  borderline panic attack.

Saturday night I had this dream again.  but with a twist.

for the first time, the plane was not going to crash.  I knew I was going to be okay!  but still a bit bewildered…why I was on a plane that wasn’t scheduled to crash??  the one thing I do remember is that I felt very protected in this dream.  so protected that I was comfortable walking the aisles.  chatting and laughing with the flight attendants.  for once, the plane was protecting me rather than the opposite.  um…that would be not-protecting me.  ha!

I was ecstatic when I woke up Sunday morning.  so I quickly ran this dream through Martha Beck’s dream analysis (or dream deconstruction, as I like to call it)…

1.  identify each symbol.

sidebar>>>for the following questions, it’s a bit wild and crazy…one must become the symbol!  crazy, I know.  but it works beautifully.

2.  provide a description of each symbol.

3.  what purpose does each symbol have for the dreamer?

4.  what is each symbol trying to tell the dreamer?  what message does the symbol contain?

talking through this with another, is always more effective!  while deconstructing a dream, the dreamer is usually in their right brain…and more details surface while it’s being discussed.  it is probably one of the coolest things to coach a peep through unraveling a dream to make life-awakening connections.

so…my conclusion for this very specific shift in my recurring dream…

  1. everything is going to be okay.  pretty obvious.
  2. it’s okay to sit back and enjoy the ride.  huh.
  3. let God take care of the rest, especially the future and things I cannot control.  I get it.

this morning, I woke up to an invitation to return to church.

interesting stuff, huh?

hope you peeps all have sweet dreams tonight!

xo