Longest time…

…since I have posted.  Longest time since I began blogging in 2011.  Go figure.  I might just be over the…you know what.

Er. no offense on any front.

I love blogging.  But, lots going outside of my writing world since the new year.  Visit from my oldest younger sista.  Fab!

New job = brilliant.

Plus with the added bonus…

I feel the healthiest…and strongest I have in…years.  Seriously.

Turns out my brain needed a massive reset.  Along with daily physical workouts.

Tomorrow I have the dreaded weekly Monday reports…but I will overcome!  Other than Monday reports – it is brilliant.  Everything I wanted.  Creativity.  Logic.  Getting sh*t done.  I am 100% accountable for me.  No one else.

Wow.  Who knew what a weight my old job was on me… I felt responsible for every single person on my team.  Including myself.

I could not be happier on the work front…well, until I finish the official first draft of my novel…quietly resting in the background.  For the first time since end of November, today, I felt the familiar (but overdue) heat begin to burn…

Inspired after reading an essay on FB tonight…which brought tears to my eyes…I can’t NOT do this.

…so I will resume the adventures of my Tasha, JayZen, Patrick, and Sara…all guided by an invisible unicorn…or?

Who knew that unicorns are so popular these days…?

or maybe they always were…

xox

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20,003 words.

skipped Thursday (mostly), Friday (completely), Saturday (sparse, at best).

but today, I conquered a protagonist becoming bored with me.  her work week is over (she dreads weekends).

and of course, overcoming the 20K words.

goal for the week.

GRRR.  another 10K awaits.

along with work stress. and a desire to hang out with friends, both of the human variety.  and furry.

but, I will keep writing.  the words flowed easily once I realized I was not wearing my new writing corduroy jeans.   they are clean now, no worries.

tomorrow, begins my book within a book.  feeling a little intimidated by this, but, whatever.

have a good week, and write on!

xo

 

 

Dartboard.

Have you ever grabbed a bunch of darts and thrown them at a dartboard…all at the same time?

How’d you do?

Lemme guess…

They all went flying haphazardly no where even close to the sweet spot…the bulls-eye.

Maybe not even close to the larger real estate of the dartboard…or perhaps they didn’t find a place to land at all; they just tumbled pathetically to the floor.

That’s how I have been feeling over the last couple of years. I wanted to grab at anything and everything I could in order to get just one dart to stick.

Too many darts being thrown all at once. Not enough focus on one to get that one to stick.

Took me this long to figure that out.

Work. Writing. Mish-mosh blogging. Coaching. Career counseling. Project Management. EFT. Small business development. Fundraising. Class after class.

And while everything listed above ignites a passion in me…I’m spread too thin across all of them to get even one to stick.

Huh. So while being sucked into Breaking Bad over the last two weeks and cuddling with our new orange three-legged tabby (our puppers could not be happier!), I have done some serious nothing.

And as a result I have found my focus narrowing…

I still have my JOB. Might as well do that well. Okay.

So what do I really want to do well outside of that?

One word surfaced easily.

WRITE.

Next month marks NaNoWriMo. National Novel Writing Month. 50K words in 30 days.

I’m just gonna grab that dart and fire.

Catch y’all after I resurface on December 1. Or maybe somewhere along the way when I have lost my mind.

I can’t wait to begin writing…I already have my story mapped out on my iPhone notepad and in my head. This one is brand new…and I didn’t know it was in there waiting for me to give it life. I had been so focused on Jillie and Annie that I have been ignoring the other characters that want to be heard. Turns out there’s a whole bunch of ’em. Can’t wait to give them a voice.

xo

two years.

wow.

the fact that today marks the day I was diagnosed with MS didn’t hit me until I was prepping myself to do my 3x/week Copaxone shot tonight.

(Tuesday night’s was a beast.  I still have an extremely tender two-inch red lump on my right thigh.)

tonight’s was easy breezy…fyi.  thank you God!

so yup, my two-year anniversary didn’t hit me until tonight.  I must have been distracted by all that is – including today being Talk Like a Pirate Day.  after this realization struck me, all I could mutter out loud to the dog was shit…and then laugh at myself.  no wonder the hub was being extra lovey this morning and appreciative of my appearance as I bounced out the door in my new white swan blouse and red suede heels.  love that blouse.  he even texted me after he got to work:  how you do today baby?  that didn’t even jog my memory.  he remembered though.  what an amazing man!

wow.

I officially forgot about it…

two years to make that happen.

xo

a boy called Gus.

I type this while our little girl is snuggled up next to me.

her head resting on my thigh.

one long ear draped over my left wrist.

peaceful sighs leaving her body.  breathing in and out.

she purrs like our Chloe.  I have never heard a dog purr.  but our girl does.

I wonder if that’s something Monty would have taught Gus.

a boy we would have called Gus.  the dog we will never know.

it still makes be sad that we will never know him or see him grow.  what would have been our Gus stories?

yet we made the right decision not to take him.

we got caught up in the puppy love.  he was so soft and squishy.  who wouldn’t??

we just wanted more love in our house after the last few years we have had…too many losses.

but then wise reality started to wriggle her way in.  think of the effort, she whispered.  and time.  the messes.  the frustrations.  his size.  and your poor girl was scared, remember?? what would happen if they were home alone together, and he snagged Red Bear??  

er. yes.  our girl was scared.  and we ignored her.

so we began discussing what could happen if this or that should occur? guilt and shame followed forgetting that we have all the love we want (and need) from our girl.

one is enough.  enough.

xo

the halfway point.

talked to my girlfriend last week, and she made a point that has made all the difference.  both in my working and personal life…ahem, whose work life isn’t personal?

she said, we can only meet people at the halfway point.  the other half is up to them.

that’s their business.

you can’t control them and force them to meet you in the middle.  and who looks like the fool when doing that?

um.  yours truly.  sorry honey.

I had never looked at things like that.  I always have felt like I needed to pull more weight  and do more.  and make it my fault when there wasn’t anything given back.

at various times in my life when it was clear I wasn’t getting back what I invested, I silently defected.  (turns out I’m not a big fan of confrontation.  yet still blamed myself.)

why do I keep doing that?  I ask myself.  I have even asked my current posse of best friends not to let me do this(!)…

looking at that…it occurs to me….why should they be responsible for my behavior?  uh huh.

I know this has more to do more with my fears and my issues than anything else.

so now, I give it to my stopping point (right at the edge of my comfort zone).

and then actually stop.  and un-attach from the outcome.

and if I happen to receive in return, I fully embrace it with immense gratitude and love.  and embrace that I even have the opportunity to give it in the first place.  😉

and if there is nothing to receive.

that’s okay too.

xo

disconnect.

just returned from four nights in Yosemite and Sequoia.

can I say, awesome-balls?

even with no cell service.  and no internet access.  zero WiFi.  and a smattering of TV channels from what felt like they were delivered straight out of the 80s.

though the second killer hike on Friday, fried my calves.  they are still sore.  and I’m limping around like I’ve got MS or something.  cray cray like that.

oh wait.  I do.  but so glad not limping from a flare.  phew!  🙂

4/5 of us were limping on Saturday. Sunday.  and still today.

so how cool was it to disconnect from...everything?  extreme.

the hub and I ventured on our own path Friday. and took the road less traveled by.  from the other three.  our cohort.

we wandered into a magical forest to begin our Friday hike.  I kept exclaiming to the hub, ‘look at that! look at that!’ snapping photos as I we descended.

until we emerged from our enchanted forest to switch back after switch back of tight, slippery turns.  no guard rails.

making our way slowly down the steepest trail in Yosemite.

we would run into other travelers ascending.  pleading with us to tell them how much farther.  sweating.  eager for us to say, ‘oh only a half hour!’ but we could not lie when we knew it was at least 1.5 hours for them.

and then hearing ‘rock on you guys will be finished in 45 minutes.  no wait, 30 minutes!’ from a few others, beginning their ascent.

umm.  not!

but so cool, how filled with one-ness everyone on the trail was.  I even slipped (wait, we both slipped over and over again).  and I cut my pinkie finger slamming it into the granite rocks to save my legs.  someone ascending immediately wanted to provide assistance.  I could get used to this.  so kind.

I am used to this.

wow.

what an awesome, disconnected weekend.  one I won’t forget.

from squirrels tormenting one of our friends to watching a coyote on the side of the road watch us to not seeing any bears when warned otherwise.  to mosquitoes glimmering in the sun like tiny golden angels.  to strongly feeling my cousin, D.  to feeling like we all matter.  and then, that we don’t.  all in a matter of milliseconds.

we are all in this party together.  at this exact moment in time.  and how grand is that?

it was perfect.  perfect.

love, loved every second of perfection.  just as it is.

or was.

xo

MiScellany.

eyes wide open. literally.  after a visit to my rockin’ awesome eye doc.  my peepers got the clean bill of health.

no prescription change either.

shocker coming from the gene pool in which I was made.

got home earlier than normal after shielding my dilated eyes from the blinding sun.  (luckily the doc’s office is super close.)  and something urged me to take the puppers for an extra long walk.

the dilation drops were very slowly wearing off, so I relaxed into the beauty around me.    since I could SEE everything.  and as I gazed at the swaying trees in our park while the puppers combed the grass, I felt a medley of something I don’t feel very often:  connection.  presence.  calm.  clear.  confidence.  confident that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.  ahhhh.  and that felt so good.  and it still is here – four days later.

sidebar>>may the fourth be with you.  haha.  can’t help it.  😉  happy Star Wars day!

even the doggy picked up on my calm energy.  she didn’t pull.  and didn’t want to lead.  she didn’t bark at any skate-boarders.  or even the FedEx truck.  she just trotted along beside me.  stopping to smell all the scents left behind from other furry creatures.  apparently, smelling things is like watching a reality TV show for dogs.  my puppers definitely travels life with her eyes wide open.

the eye doc said I’m doing really well.  and had a fourth neurologist referral should I decide to switch in the future.  hmmm.  I see my current neuro on Tuesday.

tangential curve:  loving work-life most days.  lots of connections.  and I love that I’m on a new project.  that makes all the difference to me:  learning and doing new sh*t.  getting things organized.

with that, I’m going to take a break from my extra-curricular learning.  I have Bike MS to prep for in October.  we’re gonna go for the full 100. but will settle for Day 1 if that’s how it works out. whatever happens, happens.

so grateful for what is.

this week, I decided to swap two words from one of my fave quotes from Gretchen Rubin:  the days are long, the years are short.

and change it to…the days are short, the years are long.

whatever one envisions, one can create.  that’s mine.  and it just popped to the surface.  write that one down woman!

what happened to you this week?  my cuz and Grandma were on my mind a lot.  I took a good chunk of my inheritance from my Grandma and passed it forward to the MS Society.  that felt so good!

xox

chance encounter.

exhausted.  after one night in Vegas.

I am getting old!

but have never had such a fab birthday!

last night in Vegas, I met a girl at our three card poker table.  I knew as soon as she sat down that her energy was good.  I liked her instantly.

she started talking to the dealer, who wanted to know where she and her hub were from etc.

chicago.

of course, that piqued my hub’s interest.

turned out she played water polo at my hub’s high school.  after it had been converted to co-ed.  this is not the first time we have run into former Fenwick peeps.  randomly!  i.e., when a gaggle of teen guys from Chicago were in FL wanting to play with my sistas…all attended Fenwick.  and jumped to attention once they heard my hub did.

anyhow, I digress.

this girl shared with our dealer that she wanted a break after dealing with a horrible diagnosis two+ years ago.

I couldn’t NOT ask her.

she had leukemia.  and kicked it out of her universe!  awesome.  we clinked our glasses.  she rocked.

I shared what I have.

and she said, oh, that’s way worse than leukemia.

whaaaat??  no way!!   I said.   not my version of MS.  no way, no how.

she said, trust me.

huh.

I still refute her statement.  though the hub and I discussed further tonight:  she knew what the treatment options were.  she had an end point to her treatment and kicked cancer in its balls.

got it.  just like I am kicking MS.  same story.  different circumstance.  no kids.  for the aforementioned reasons.  we got each other.  so, so cool!

my only regret, I did not get her number.  but we winked, mentally hugged, and high five’d as the hub and I left the table.  the best part…she didn’t believe I am 39.  ha!

xox

 

pause and effect.

scene:  the hub and I were sitting at a bar tonight.

what did you think? I asked, as I let the smooth merlot warm my throat.

did you feel the pause and effect? I continued.

what? he replied.

I don’t know.  that just popped out.  the ‘when she didn’t hear me.’  you know what I’m talking about.  the pause and effect.

I paused.

ah.  yes, yes, I did.  I was wondering if you were going to break it.  and you didn’t.  I wanted you to, but then I realized it would be harder if you did.

xo