Longest time…

…since I have posted.  Longest time since I began blogging in 2011.  Go figure.  I might just be over the…you know what.

Er. no offense on any front.

I love blogging.  But, lots going outside of my writing world since the new year.  Visit from my oldest younger sista.  Fab!

New job = brilliant.

Plus with the added bonus…

I feel the healthiest…and strongest I have in…years.  Seriously.

Turns out my brain needed a massive reset.  Along with daily physical workouts.

Tomorrow I have the dreaded weekly Monday reports…but I will overcome!  Other than Monday reports – it is brilliant.  Everything I wanted.  Creativity.  Logic.  Getting sh*t done.  I am 100% accountable for me.  No one else.

Wow.  Who knew what a weight my old job was on me… I felt responsible for every single person on my team.  Including myself.

I could not be happier on the work front…well, until I finish the official first draft of my novel…quietly resting in the background.  For the first time since end of November, today, I felt the familiar (but overdue) heat begin to burn…

Inspired after reading an essay on FB tonight…which brought tears to my eyes…I can’t NOT do this.

…so I will resume the adventures of my Tasha, JayZen, Patrick, and Sara…all guided by an invisible unicorn…or?

Who knew that unicorns are so popular these days…?

or maybe they always were…

xox

a boy called Gus.

I type this while our little girl is snuggled up next to me.

her head resting on my thigh.

one long ear draped over my left wrist.

peaceful sighs leaving her body.  breathing in and out.

she purrs like our Chloe.  I have never heard a dog purr.  but our girl does.

I wonder if that’s something Monty would have taught Gus.

a boy we would have called Gus.  the dog we will never know.

it still makes be sad that we will never know him or see him grow.  what would have been our Gus stories?

yet we made the right decision not to take him.

we got caught up in the puppy love.  he was so soft and squishy.  who wouldn’t??

we just wanted more love in our house after the last few years we have had…too many losses.

but then wise reality started to wriggle her way in.  think of the effort, she whispered.  and time.  the messes.  the frustrations.  his size.  and your poor girl was scared, remember?? what would happen if they were home alone together, and he snagged Red Bear??  

er. yes.  our girl was scared.  and we ignored her.

so we began discussing what could happen if this or that should occur? guilt and shame followed forgetting that we have all the love we want (and need) from our girl.

one is enough.  enough.

xo

trial run.

so, it’s been confirmed:  I’m officially participating in a Teva clinical trial to play with the new three times a week therapy that is moving toward FDA approval in approximately one year.  the new 40mg syringes are being compared to the existing once a day 20mg therapy…so I could have been selected for what I’m already on…figured it was worth a try!

and finally yesterday, I found out I was randomized for the 40mg/3x/week!  super excited!  four days a week I do not have to experience the pain of an injection – yahoo!!

cool factor>>while I really wanted to give the 40mg a try, I knew I could not control the outcome….so I gave the decision up to the Universe…un-gripping my attachment to the outcome…and look what happened!  note to self:  do that often.

keep y’all posted on how it goes.  I kinda butchered my first shot yesterday @ the doc’s office, but the clinical researcher said it looked like I got most of it in…as I watched with terror as about half of the liquid spilled out on the table.  I blame the new AutoJect 2 pen I received.  sure.  no user error involved.  nope.  😉

I am setting the intention that this journey to be less exciting, less painful, and more freeing than my last adventures in learning how to self-administer injections.  🙂

xo

ps.  I have been posting a daily What Went Well (WWW) on FB these days a la Positive Psychology style.  wheeee! – it’s been so fun…and certainly helps keep my positive mojo flowing.  been thinking I should start a separate blog stream for my daily WWWs.  huh.  I’m copying them all into my daily Morning Pages.  maybe something I will focus on for the writing class I just began on Tuesday…(I always gotta have something to relieve the work stress.)

what provides you relief from the daily life, work, family, relationship stressors out in the world?  share below!  xo

sweet spot.

getting in the zone.  don’t you just love it when that happens?!  I don’t know about you, but I sure do.  😉

Suzanne McRae wrote about this topic earlier this week.   check out her amazing blog!  (we met in EFT training last summer; she’s brilliant.)

finding the sweet spot is a concept that has been rolling around in my head for the last few weeks…as I have been feeling like I’m in the zone much more frequently than usual.

sometimes it feels too good to be true (!)…and then what happens after that thought shows up?  life throws a curveball.  go figure.  you know what I’m talking about if you believe in the law of attraction.  😉

for me the sweet spot is a feeling of expansion, oneness, and low-grade (non-MS) buzzing throughout my entire body…I can see the future before it happens…I know what is about to arrive.

yet without any sort of attachment to the outcome.

everything was, is, and will be in perfect sync.

the sweet spot showed up when the hub and I were in Vegas last weekend celebrating our anniversary…and the universe was giving back exactly the same vibe I was pushing out there.  everything, every person aligned with my version of perfection.  we were surrounded by happy, joyful, friendly people.  those who were not, faded quietly away.  and the casino.  oh boy.  it definitely wanted to give back.

the hub and I even decided to test what was going on…I refocused my attention to the outcome of winning lots and lots of money.

and what happened? I began losing.  after a long winning streak.

so I quickly reverted to my feelings of goodwill and a positive, grounding vibe.

and sure enough, the Uni jumped on that too.  nuff-said.

when do you get in your sweet spot?  what happens when you get there?  share below!

xo

seven lives.

I laid my kitty, Chloe, to rest this week.

ooooph.

how it hurt.  how I cried.  and petted her lifeless body.

the vet hugged me when it was over.  how did she know that was exactly what I needed?

just moments before, Chloe had turned to me, and rolled over on her back for me to rub her.  just as she had done when she was eight weeks old.  back in 1995.

she knew then that she found a lover for life.

and, at the end, she also knew it was her time.

what an honor to do this for her.  it was so peaceful.

she was suffering.  blind.  deaf.  unable to jump like she used to.

and senile.

didn’t know where the box was.  or what that white wall wanted to do with her.  she would howl at it endlessly.

until I would pick her up.  and she would try to mew, with no sound.

I would plead her to tell me what she was seeing.  no such luck.

I made this decision for her, which was stricken with guilt.  sadness.  and freedom.

whaaaat?

the trifecta creeps in daily.

but, I have reconciled that this was right.  and that she is up in heaven with her sista, Delilah, and brotha, Jr.  though she never liked Jr.  ;-(

my sweet Chloe girl was my first kitty choice.  and she went out my last kitty.

four days in, I still look for her.  and expect her to be balled up next to me on the couch.

there’s a tale here.

interspersed with six other cats.  but not tonight.

she was my first, and my last kitty.  who lived through three (at least!) falls from our loft.  the last one, six inches from me, as I was standing below.  she was a stubborn delicate trooper.  a grey cloud of fur.  my grey spirit.

may she rest in peace.  sweet Chloe girl.

xoxo

MiScellany.

eyes wide open. literally.  after a visit to my rockin’ awesome eye doc.  my peepers got the clean bill of health.

no prescription change either.

shocker coming from the gene pool in which I was made.

got home earlier than normal after shielding my dilated eyes from the blinding sun.  (luckily the doc’s office is super close.)  and something urged me to take the puppers for an extra long walk.

the dilation drops were very slowly wearing off, so I relaxed into the beauty around me.    since I could SEE everything.  and as I gazed at the swaying trees in our park while the puppers combed the grass, I felt a medley of something I don’t feel very often:  connection.  presence.  calm.  clear.  confidence.  confident that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.  ahhhh.  and that felt so good.  and it still is here – four days later.

sidebar>>may the fourth be with you.  haha.  can’t help it.  😉  happy Star Wars day!

even the doggy picked up on my calm energy.  she didn’t pull.  and didn’t want to lead.  she didn’t bark at any skate-boarders.  or even the FedEx truck.  she just trotted along beside me.  stopping to smell all the scents left behind from other furry creatures.  apparently, smelling things is like watching a reality TV show for dogs.  my puppers definitely travels life with her eyes wide open.

the eye doc said I’m doing really well.  and had a fourth neurologist referral should I decide to switch in the future.  hmmm.  I see my current neuro on Tuesday.

tangential curve:  loving work-life most days.  lots of connections.  and I love that I’m on a new project.  that makes all the difference to me:  learning and doing new sh*t.  getting things organized.

with that, I’m going to take a break from my extra-curricular learning.  I have Bike MS to prep for in October.  we’re gonna go for the full 100. but will settle for Day 1 if that’s how it works out. whatever happens, happens.

so grateful for what is.

this week, I decided to swap two words from one of my fave quotes from Gretchen Rubin:  the days are long, the years are short.

and change it to…the days are short, the years are long.

whatever one envisions, one can create.  that’s mine.  and it just popped to the surface.  write that one down woman!

what happened to you this week?  my cuz and Grandma were on my mind a lot.  I took a good chunk of my inheritance from my Grandma and passed it forward to the MS Society.  that felt so good!

xox

good-bye 38.

wow.  38 sure was a full plate.

really did I just rhyme that?  let me contemplate…ummm.  no.

so to continue with my plate theme…last year was full of lots of plates stacked on top of each other.  some fell, sadly.

but lots didn’t…and looked like…

learning.

inspiration.

growth.

loving.  more.

sharing.

giving.

creating.

followed by some writing.  😉

cheering.

and more loving.  oh wait.  already said that.

so that’s what 38 was all about…thank you for all that you gave me.

whaaat’s up 39?!

I’ll see you tomorrow.  can’t wait to experience what you have in store for me!  if you’re listening, I’ll have some more of the fun, colorful, great-full, and feel-good plates, please.  mega-learning and expansion.  a completed first draft, for sure.  solid health.  yeah!  movement at work.  a new biz website.  and maybe throw in a celebrity run-in.  that would be cool.  you know, not even a well-known celebrity will do.  I’ll take ’em!  and don’t forget the LOVE.  always gotta have that!

xox

the space between thoughts.

I didn’t realize I had been ignoring the space until today…and that made all the difference…

oooph!

after marching along on superdrive for the last three months, clobbering my brain.

three classes (MBTI Step II, Intuition, and now B-School).

new concepts.

ideas.

planning my first workshop.  yippee!

inspiration.

fear (yep…that decided to creep in and check things out. on and off.)

excitement.

until everything came to a screeching halt on Saturday night while out with friends.

during a lively debate with a good friend about a topic on which we were polar opposites…

I became weighted down by an intense heaviness.

I couldn’t shut it off.  and it didn’t want to go away.

so in an attempt to fend it off, I said something kinda rude to my friend.  that I didn’t mean.

(but that’s not true, if I didn’t mean it in that exact moment, I wouldn’t have said it.)

I was slammed with overwhelm in that moment when everyone around me jumped on me.

I paused.  breathed.  smiled.  apologized.

collected my thoughts that were already wavering, ready to topple…

(what the hell am I doing?! and why did I just say that?! how do I say this in a way they will all see my side of things?!)

so I reframed.

he said he had never looked at things that way, yet we still agreed to disagree.

but the weight would not leave.  and the thoughts dangerously close to toppling were still there.

I tried Sunday and Monday nights to figure out the source of the weight…

intensely missing my sisters after spending a week with them.  worried about my mother in the hospital.  tossing and turning Sunday night after waking up from a work nightmare.

I became short and snippy.  demanding.  with everyone.  hub.  work.  myself.

(fyi – this is my Type at its worst!)

so I poured through my new Myers-Briggs book Monday night.  and found some answers. (brilliant book, btw, Do What You Are.)

yep, I can blame this one on my personality type.  ha!  joke’s on me.

Tuesday, I felt like crap at work.

but the weight became a bit lighter Tuesday night after receiving a new project at work.

yet returned with a vengeance this morning…until I decided I had enough.

so I put on a Deepak Chopra mediation (not part of Oprah’s deal with him – fyi for you peeps not on the Oprah team… 😉 while I made up my sullen face (insert INFJ death stare 😉 getting ready for work…

…and that’s when I heard the words…find the space between the thoughts...

I repeated them out loud.  and goosebumps rippled down my legs…and I decided not to think about the meaning of what I had just heard…

and everything fell back into place, easily, freely, and peacefully.  the anger dissipated almost instantly.  insecurities gone.  fear vanished.

and I let it go…with that tiny space I had just let in.

stepping back – I can see what led to this…

family stuff.  good and bad.

packing my brain so full with things to do and learn, I had zero space to add some space.  even a millimeter would have been okay.

so the lesson…don’t pack things in too tight.

things will topple eventually…when they don’t have to…they just need some breathing room.

xox

what a difference an hour makes.

I used to always despise moving the clock forward.

losing a whole hour from the precious, beautiful weekend hours. boof that!

but didn’t feel that way this weekend.

I actually lined through everything on the TO DO list.

let me frame the momentum of this: I have never, ever completed every thing that I have set out to do that is on my dreaded to do list.

so I’m calling this a small victory. so satisfying! (really am a J to the core, and that’s okay!)

the first of many victories, I say.

takes some turtle steps to get moving, doesn’t it!?

one thing I did differently for this to do list.

I grouped the items into categories:

Saturday.

– non-negotiables.

Un-fun work.

– bills, errands, taxes. boof! laundry…wait a second – laundry wasn’t even on my list – and I still did that. whaaaat?!

Fun work.

– B-School stuff. outline draft #1 for my upcoming workshop on Myers-Briggs Step II – In addition to being totally awesome, who am I, really? synced iTunes. and installed MS Office on my laptop (h*ll yes, that one is HUGE…see ya Pages! 😉

this B-School biz is going to change my life. it already is. again.

how many times can a girl’s life be changed?! first time when I was given a copy of The Secret in 2006. second time after I discovered Martha Beck….and it was all downstream from there…

it never ends does it?

I have, “life is not a destination, it’s a journey,” posted on the inside of my medicine cabinet. not sure who wrote it. but it’s a gem.

back to B-School, it hit me this weekend that I have a LONG A*S list of things that I’m interested in, once I started writing them all down. things that inspire me. give me goose bumps. get me into the flow. you know – flow – when time evaporates? don’t you love it when that happens!? (there has to be a way to make money in the flow. I am determined to figure that out. 😉

(most of this stuff I love has been vomited all over this blog mess that I have created – I get it! it’s a confusing mess of practical? advice? life coaching tidbits. dream work. bits and pieces of my messy soul. fiction fun. Myers-Briggs. photography. life. memoirs. health stuff – boof!)

time to wrap it all. or deconstruct it. some way. some how.

expect a massive clean up on this website over the summer-fall months. don’t know what it will look like, but it’s coming.

the hub is holding me to NOT sign up for any more coursework until I make time for my business. (shhhh… I know I’m going to secretly take another writing course – as that is a non-negotiable on my inspiration list. can anyone say Danielle LaPorte…?)

per Marie Forleo, everything is figure-outable. go figure. 😉

what’s on your list?!

think about it.

xo

ps. some day must share the crazy dream I had with Tyra Banks in it Friday night…where did she come from?! and there I was ooohing and awwwwing along with the rest of her followers. strange! (not really one by the way, but not judging…just sayin’!) and the hilarious scene when she showed a group of us what she does with a full paper towel roll. could not stop laughing when I shared her dream advice with my hub!

it is official.

…I am getting my official game on people!

moving to the next level of where I want to move in life…

yeeehhhawww!

feels expansive. and terrifying at the same time…

(that, my friends, is how one tells the difference between intuition and fear – if it ain’t expansive, it’s fear.)  😉

oooph!!

so here goes my plan…

step 1. sign up for Marie Forleo’s B-School. done!

step 2. send the intention for my end game out to the Universe. ummm, done!

step 3. start doing more of what I am being called to do: help people. write. and blog. speak.  life coach!  career coach!  create. inspire. volunteer at the art center. finish my dang book! travel.  just frickin’ do it, woman!  creative inspiration in the ravaged corporate-world.  ummm yeah..all kinda in progress.  though I had to ask my hub to stop me from signing up for any more classes after B-School.  so I can do more on this plan!

step 4. rebrand my website. and blog.  not yet!

step 5. do and fail at steps 3 and 4 over and over again.  until it sticks.  because that’s the only way it will.  bazinga!  zero here.

step 6. make an awesome Harlem Shake video.  also a big NULL!  for now.

that is all.

so…what is your calling, people!  I know you have one!  (that tiny voice that comes from within, helps provide the guidance.)

share below…puleeeeze!

because…you know you are awesome…and I would love to hear the magnitude of your awesome-sauce!!  go on, do it!

xox