dreaming.

As 2013 begins to close out, I dreamed of a burning overstuffed kitchen trashcan this morning. The flames licked the papers and trash, dangerously close to spilling onto our wood floors.  I desperately looked around for water to put out the smoke-less fire, but could not find any thing to douse the flames.  In frustration and fear, I attempted to close the plastic trash bag around the flames, but ended up irritating the fire further…

I then woke up poking my husband in the arm to please tell me that he put out the fire in the kitchen? Only answer I received was a string of chuckles.  Apparently, I have been sleep talking this week.

(Time away from work-work does that to me.)

This wasn’t my first burning dream, but it’s been at least a decade since the last one.  Long time ago I had repeat dreams that an errant cigarette smoldered under the sheets in my bed…

During a time when I was experiencing massive change in my life on many levels.

I am, of course, curious to find out what this means to/for me now, a decade later, when life has been relatively stable. (Er., outside of MS joining the party along with too many family losses.)  Or is this simply the result of leaning into Stephen King’s masterpiece, On Writing?

But, I have a hunch there is change yet again on the near horizon…Year of the Horse will soon be upon us and my first book (draft) complete by end Q1.  Oooh, I just got goosebumps typing that.  Can’t help it.  Do I dare share my draft title?!  Uh.  Not yet.  😉 Let’s just say it’s chick-lit, laced with some self-help woo-woo and maybe a unicorn or two.  Er, writing a book within a book is d*mn hard!

Huh.  Change.

Book?  Changes with work?  Back to school? A Master’s degree?!  New friends?  Turning 40. (No ? required for that last one.)   Travel?  New home?  All appear to be waiting up ahead, but oddly…things feel closer than they have in the past.  Whooo hoo!  Bring it!

What fires you up ahead in 2014?!  Do share!!

Wishing you the most happy, healthy, and abundant year ahead!  I am so grateful that you take the time from your day to read my nonsensical keystrokes!  I still giggle any time someone finds my blog when searching for INFJ Death Stare…which happens almost every other day…

Have a safe New Year’s out there people!!

xox

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INFJ death stare?

who knew such a thing existed?!  not me!

until someone found my blog searching for INFJ death stare.

love that!

thank you random stranger for finding my blog!  appreciate the look, and I promise that if I ever meet you in person, I will restrain my stare. 😉

after doing some research on the topic, I found that an intense stare, looooong, and sometimes angry look seems to be common for INFJs.

and INTJs.

we’re both kinda serious types.  stoic listeners.  and extremely observant.  putting all the patterns together in our thoughts.  senses are on fire.  (sometimes gets a bit overwhelming!)

when it comes to Myers-Briggs, the hub and I both share our dominant function, Intuition.  which is introverted – it all happens on the inside…

we are absorbed taking a lot of sh*t in all the time – no wonder the stare shows up!

I think it’s more of a zone out; we’re on a journey on the inside.

the more I think about it, I do stare at people – I’m fascinated by them!  what is going on in there, I want to know!  what are they thinking…I love making up stories about random strangers.

ran across one descriptor – INFJ eyes are deep – like the soul of the holder is looking through you.  cool.  maybe.

or perhaps what we see scares us. 😉

after discovering this nugget today, I recalled a photo of me at my corporate day job.

and there I was, wearing the death stare!

and it was at a happy event!

go figure.  must be mindful of my external expression of what’s goin’ on inside.

good indicator my mask is not in place whenever people ask me, what’s wrong?  

hardly anything is, but it’s usually when I’m deeply focused on something.

and then…someone at @ work this week throws out that I look like Wendy – you know – Wendy from the restaurant.

huh?  whaaat?

he probably got the death stare for that…in fact, I’m sure he did, as he quickly followed up with, well, you’re always smiling, it’s great.  in fact you also kinda remind me of Pippi Longstocking, she was fearless.  and always smiling.  just like Wendy.

and then he walked off.  still makes me giggle.

that’s all I got for the death stare topic.  🙂

sidebar>>>love, love how much there is that I don’t know.  yet.  for example, I listened to a podcast earlier this week from my favorite Stuff You Should Know guys, Josh and Chuckers, How does the Barbie doll work…frickin’ hilarious.  those guys always make me laugh.  note to self>>good death stare banishment.  vengeance is mine…if you know Barbie…you know what I’m talkin’ about…  🙂

sidebar2>>>working on my first workshop for Myers-Briggs Step II!  super excited!

xox

ps.  also contemplating taking Marie Forleo’s BSchool.  this might be the most least thought-through decision I have made in my life, as I will have to decide by Monday…and I just found out about it yesterday.  but anyone who says mother-humpers on a Q&A call is all good in my book.  seriously.  🙂

counting down.

the hub and I enjoyed an awesome dinner tonight at a neighborhood restaurant.

’twas very clear we have been eating out wayyyy too much of late.

(errr. the last year and a half.)

all of our local haunts have been treating us exceptionally well this holiday season.

they all know us.  and shake our hands.  kinda Norm-like.  and we know the other regulars.

guess that makes the extra weight I have gained worthwhile!

fyi…have nixed the auto-ject.  extra weight helps with injections.

but no more in 2013.  fo’shizzle!  back on the bike.  (which, I did today, btw!)

or perhaps as early as tomorrow at dark o’clock.  on a live bike.

but tonight, at dinner, we recounted all that went well in 2012.

despite some yuck.  (big black spots on 2012.)

lots we concluded – went well.  without a doubt.

and that felt really good.

all we can do is take a took at the What Went Well.  and toast to that!

then arrived home to my cousin’s yearly poem.  love that!

now home, my hub is reclined.  playing his XBox 360.  happy.

fulfilled.

what is up for 2013?

my resolution is to enjoy every day as it comes.  even eager to get back to work!

whaaaat?!  the routine.  the interaction.  the problem solving.  all fabu in my book!

oh, and keep writing.  and learning.

one of my girlfriends from college, has just published a book. Sacred.  check it out if you get a chance.  awesome.

blows me away how many authors I know now.  so cool!

despite my desire to work with people.  my truest desire is just to write.  like everyone else in the blogosphere.  😉

however, my other resolution in 2013 is not to let good friends go astray.

I’m a weird bird to figure out.  I get that.  INFJ.  remember that.  😉

but I no longer let good friends go to the wayside because of my own insecurities.  no more.  so if you are an old friend that has happened to stumble across my blog.

know that I still think of you.  and often.  miss you.  and not sure what to do now.  esp. my one best friend from 3rd-11th grade.  who crossed paths with my cousin just a couple of years ago.  before he died.  xo

she understood; she didn’t hold my silence against me…
~Scarlett in reference to Lily…Sacred, Elana K. Arnold.

xoxo

empathy engulfed.

have you ever noticed that when you’re talking to someone, you start to feel exactly what he or she is feeling?  and then are taken aback after the conversation is over to find yourself stuck in a flood of some feeling that doesn’t feel like it belongs to you?  or maybe you have made it yours.

others don’t know that I feel what they’re feeling.  but I know.  and sometimes too late.  I have a gem of a trick to feel everything when I’m focused completely on the person who is sharing their thoughts, troubles, triumphs, or even excitement for what they had for dinner last night.  it does not matter.  if they are feeling something strongly, I feel it too.  fo’shizzle!  we learned about this habit in life coach training; turns out peeps attracted to coaching…play with this kind of engulfing empathy.

sometimes, I am curious how much I’m in my head when this happens.  huh.  will sit on that tonight.

anyway this happens to me.  a lot.

since I know this happens, I have a daily reminder on my bathroom mirror to zip up my disco-ball (diamond encrusted) catsuit.  all the way to my chin.  I require super-power to protect myself from taking on too much. absorbing too much that isn’t mine.

this happened to me at work today.  but I forgot my suit.

I called a customer back who had asked to speak to me directly. never good.

I knew of this customer’s troubles yesterday, and I felt so bad for the guy.  and then he wanted to speak to me.  after not receiving what he wanted from anyone else.

he just wanted me to hear him out after sharing his surprise that I called him.  and so I did and listened to his story from beginning to end.  despite already knowing what went wrong.  my eyes welled up at one point I was so saddened by how sad and baffled he was over this issue.  and it wasn’t even a life or death situation.

as soon as my eyes started stinging, I realized at that point, that I was in his business. and too far by the looks of it, after I stepped into the role of the watcher.  and cleared my throat saying that I would re-read all his emails and figure out what to do about the tremendous lack of empathy everyone else had given him.  once we hung up – I had to leave the building and get outside.  to breathe.  refocus.  and shake it off.  I’m still exhausted by that event from this afternoon.

and then…my eyes dampened on the way home from work tonight while attempting to continue my refocus.  so started thinking about my characters and from whose point of view I’m going to write the book. which I have been tapping around for days now. and then it hit me head on; I could feel Anya drawing me to her when I began to feel what she feels and how all the misery in the world gnaws at here.  no boundaries there.  um.  really?

note to self:

zip it up all the way, honey.  please.  but when writing…might be acceptable to edge the zipper down just a tad.

when have you found yourself muddled up in someone else’s mess?

xo

18/50: New client!!

Oh-my-goodness!!!

shhh…seriously could do this all day long, every day.

maybe I’ll try this at work tomorrow.  😉

I am just loving my clients!!

that’s all I’ve got!

right now…and that is enough!

basking in all that is…with immense, soul-filling gratitude!

xoxo

 

 

thank you!

one year ago on 10/9/11, my blog became a reality.

it has become part of my every day life.

I write scenes and blogs in my head every day…I can’t stop.  and now I finally have an outlet!  yeah!

I don’t know what or who I would be without it on this MS journey.  this life journey.

through the MS trials months 0-5.

the successes.

and tragedies.

wowzer.

what a year it’s been!  probably a year with the most ups and downs I have experienced in my life.

highs followed by deep, deep lows.  and then zeros.  and then all the way to +8.  (I know +10 is out there!)

so I keep writing.  and I will not stop; I have discovered that writing is in my INFJ blood.

despite the numerous, whaaaat the heck am/was I thinking(?), how much I hated every blog post (that has become easier after about 80 posts), all the typos, and the in-congruent thoughts…I love(d) every second of it!

so this really has become a daily meditation for me.  I write every day.  obviously, not just here.  but in my morning pages (every day!). and my books that I’m crafting slowly.

so this one is for you!

thank YOU so much for coming along for the ride!!

turns out, I like to travel with company.  🙂

94 published posts.  95 after this one.  four unpublished, that are still pulsing in draft format.  plus… inspiration every day.

all the while, letting go of the attachment to the outcome.  getting much better with that one.  😉

so thank YOU!!  you, that awesome person staring at a desktop monitor reading this.  right now.

I am genuinely so grateful for your presence!!

my goal was to complete 100 posts by one year.  I’m technically one off after this is posted, if one wants to include my four draft posts from months 0-5.

I will see if inspiration strikes tomorrow.  😉

or what Annie and Jillie are up to in their world.  oooh…I can’t wait to find out!

speaking of them.  one of the best verbal compliments I could have received on my blog, was from my Dad after he read Fiction #2…”I wanted to read more!  and let me guess, there was a little faction in there?”

huh.

love that word.  faction.  should be a literary genre.  maybe it is?  that is one thing I have not researched yet.

loved it!!  thank you, Dad!!

and thank YOU to everyone else who has commented on my blog!

more to come…watch out, people!

love and hugs to each and every one of you out there…for those who are known and unknown.

xo

ps.  can’t wait to discuss how I cope with the fact that my FULL name is on display on my company logo’d MSRide jersey.  ummm…yeah…not sure how that happened.  but it did.  I’m riding the 30 mile route in two weeks.  eeek.  really not ready for this one.  unlike I was in 2010 when I knew then that I had MS before it showed up with a fury in 2011.

nonetheless, almost everything happens for a reason.

xoxo

failure.

despite passing my first two MBTI exams, I received the first real, honest feedback yesterday.  right, because the exams weren’t feedback?  uh huh.  😉

at first, I was stung.  and stunned.  ego wounded.  no, crushed.

in typical INFJ style.

I was so mad at myself.

how can I fail so soon?

I know this stuff.  

I have my degree in Psychology for frick’s sake!

after nursing my tears back inside (courtesy of a monthly deluge of hormones), I asked myself what any other good life coach would ask herself:

what is perfect about this?

huh? initial reaction.

really.  how can any good come of criticism?  anyway, I’m used to criticism.  I let it slide off me like teflon or whatever.  uh huh.  right.

but then I readjusted my frame.

was it really criticism or might it have been constructive criticism?

hmmm.

ummm.  maybe?  not sure.

thought harder next go round.  could the instructor maybe have been gently trying to help me?

whaaaat??  hold the horses.  is that true?

after sitting on that thought for an hour.  and one more hour.  I came to the conclusion, that…yes.  she was.

so I returned to my email full of feedback.  and re-read each sentence.  carefully looking for clues that she might not actually be out to disable me.

and I read it over again.  and again.

until I found a Eureka!

and there it was – shining like a newly buffed jewel.

yes!  she was trying to help me!  and help me – yes, she did!

I got it.

all the teeth fell easily into place.  and, of course, I immediately felt so silly for belaboring the concept.

really, it took me two hours to figure that out?  what’s wrong with me?  😉

so.  simple solution:  I resubmitted my assignment.  (insert hub laughing at me here.)

and received some immediate positive feedback.

wow.  really?  me?  please tell me I did a good job, I wanted to plead.  but I refrained.  thankfully avoiding some pathetic-ness.

crazy how it takes a few tries before something sticks.  and is not taken personally.

(turns out – this behavior is exceptionally characteristic of my personality type – see prior posts where I expressed extreme dissatisfaction with my type – ha!)

turns out.  there really is good in failing.  it is the best way to learn.  and I have learned my lesson.  finally!  and after laughing at myself.  (that is also characteristic of the INFJ – we laugh at ourselves and our ridiculous-ness once we let something go!  we’re not crazy.  just a bit crazed sometimes.  😉

life lesson #33, most of the time…the only time we move forward is when we fail.

when was the last time you failed?  and adjusted?  and then failed again, but not as quite as hard as the first time?

and when did you reach the point of – wow, if x and y hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be in Z??  how different my life would be if neither had happened…and it was only x and z that made all the difference… 

xo

ps.  holy cow – I have another assignment to submit tomorrow…

resetting by proxy is sometimes required.

so yeah.  struggled with resetting this week.

and felt completely out of alignment with the real me.

that is so ancient history!

Gertie wanted to find some FEAR in her life.  so she made some up.

genius, she is.  my lizard brain.  crafty bugger!

she was tired of being ignored.  so decided to make me pay attention to her.  she started with some evil whispers…watch out.  what are you doing??   what do you think you are doing? 

which quickly evolved into criticism.  trying to take a risk, are you?  silly girl.  this is going to end up in the loo.  and you are going to be a mess as a result.  you better run, dear.  fight or flight!  you know you always pick the flight.  don’t ya?  she cackled and goaded me for most of Thursday and all of Friday.

until I ended up a heap of a blubbering mess Friday night.  at my own hands.  all my life coaching skills.  locked out.  Gertie likes to shut the front door on them.

gotta love that.  no, really, NOT.

so.  my hub had to reset me.

because…for the first time in a long time, I could not do it myself.  I was such a mess.  because I had been feeding Gertie the treats she loves to snack on.  the self-deprecating remarks.  the, I’ll never amount to anything, comments.  the, why am I so different from everyone else?  new one – eureka!  this is why no one gets me – I’m an INFJ.  why did I have to get stuck with such a sucky MBTI type…the one that is destined for a challenging life?  oh yeah.  and let’s not forget:  why did I get shafted with MS?  waaaahhhh.  waaaaahhh!  (side bar>>> actually, the waaahhs are more for literary effect.  since I’m an I – I don’t really vocalize my hysterics.  😉

really?  come on, you have such a bad life?  my hub snapped at me, pausing my tears.

and starting the reset cycle.  he followed by listing everything that is going well in our lives.

then he made me smile.  and laugh.

what in the h*ll did I do to land this amazing man??  oh wait.  don’t start-up again.  😉

beautiful!  one of my finer moments.  but looking back.  the hub and I both had a hard week.  which is probably why my F (see above) wanted to extravert all over the place by Friday evening.  (fyi, the ‘a’ in extrAvert is courtesy of Jung 🙂  oh.  and I learned again about my inner critic in EFT training on Monday.  huh.  wonder why Gertie showed up this week?  d’uh!

lesson from MS.  live in the moment.  that is ALL any one of us has.  EVER.  life can suck in the moment.  then it doesn’t.  and it’s beautiful and fun again.  the cycle continues.

so why waste the present on something that hasn’t even happened yet?  I used to do this all the time!  probably why I was blessed with MS.  to teach me the afore-mentioned lesson.

my hub also pointed out the fact that we have a living embodiment and reminder to do just that.  nodding his head at our Monty.  who was just standing there, smile on her face, tongue hanging lopsided, tail wagging.

live in the moment.  think about it.

xox

ps.  thanks for letting me vomit all over the page.  though I’m feeling so much better today after resetting last night!

pps.  and to all my co-INFJs out there.  no offense.  please!  you peeps know that self-discovery is in our soul make-up.  😉  xo

over-committed?

huh?

what connotations does the above bring to the surface for you? I would love to hear!

see…I seem to have self-inflicted my over-commitment for too many things that I love…last year was for SURE…my year of over-committment x10! stress exacerbates MS flares. turns out.

here is where I still over-commit…

a. my work ethic in my corporate life. do I love that? hmmm. yes. maybe. yes. depends what we’re discussing. or what problems are on the table. and how interesting either are. ha! just kidding. work these days is full of emails. for everyone. who else is lost in email city? I try to encourage my work peeps NOT to email. but sometimes…it’s just easier…I suppose…until the replies and replies-to-all stack up….and then one is trying to figure out where to jump back on the train. or press DELETE. without uncovering the CYA. ok. getting off topic here! I will return to my list.

b. time with my husband. he might beg to differ. on occasion. but he’s an effort-null focus point for me. done. 🙂 easy-peasy.

c. my quest for LEARNing. MS might also attempt to beg to differ on that one. but I will rebuttal (is that even a verb?). huh. maybe MS got me on that one. ha!

d. my time. no brainer. that’s a given. now. I will always make time for me. even if it’s only 15 minutes a day (this I did not do at all last year!). I’m the only one who can control that. call me selfish. maybe. but who else will watch out for me, but me? maybe my hub…(I can all ready feel his eyes rolling at that comment 🙂

e. writing. see #d. (btw, that always cracks me up when peeps write # before a letter in an address!). even my writing has a priority scale. i.e,. my morning pages and blog have preceded fiction (and reading!) on the priority list. not sure what to do about my blog. huh. 😉 I have an idea…

not sure where this post is going, but it is spilling out. I am officially in pursuit of learning EFT. classes started last night. all good. I love it. it works. so letter c is temporarily at the top of the priority list. well, ahem, A is always there.

then the next thing I know I will love – MBTI certification training – begins next week. ~40 hours. in 60 days. I can do that. whilst working 10 hours a day. not including travel time. but I will give it a go. and at the same time as EFT training.

hmmm…maybe I’m procrastinating writing my book. ya think? 😉 as my coach friends might want to say…I have a hunch, that you’re too busy being busy to write your book? tell me where I’m wrong. and is that true? 😉

ummm. I can’t be absolutely sure it’s true. but, you might be getting warmer. 🙂

so…where does this leave my fiction: on a slight hiatus before I repost excerpts from my book(s). EFT and MBTI…calls…for the next eight weeks.

and then Anya, Jill, and the Tate will be back on the scene.

keep y’all posted!

how do you prioritize your time?

PS. I can’t wait to see what those crazy kids are up to.

xo