NEW.

It’s only 18 days into the New Year, and I am landing a new job!  A job that didn’t exist until this year.

I start over 2/3.  Wow.  Immensely grateful for this opportunity!

Excited.  Nervous.  Relaxed.

NEW.

Being in the same job for the last nine+ years, this is quite the switch for me.  Turns out that growing roots does not become me.

As Martha Beck said to me>>I am living in a dead square 4 as far as career goes.  Yep.

Yeah but, I liked my secure comfort zone.

Though, after writing the first half of my book in November, I’m not sure what that zone looks like anymore.

Evidence #1:  Adopted a three-legged cat when I said I was over cats.  Cat preceded November, but still abnormal behavior.

Evidence #2:  Dyed my blond locks mahogany dark brown four weeks ago.  Just because.    Turns out it’s my natural color.  The only roots showing up are a dusting of arctic highlights and some old blonde wanting to poke through, but failing.

Evidence #3:  Willingness to take a pay cut, lose the title, office, and my car.  For the NEW job.  Just because it’s new and exciting.  And in an area that I’m passionate to learn more.   Do more.  Serve more.  Create more.

Change = good.

Feels right.  Fulfilling.  Expansive.

Same company.

About time.  And in the department that I listed on my career development box for my annual performance plan.  For the last five years.  Er. I gotta up my LOA skills.  😉

CRM/Marketing. Website development.  Maintenance.  eCommerce.  Training.  Support. Tracking.

New cohort.  100% female.

Check in on 2/8 after adding 10K more words to my novel and surviving week one on the job.

Do you hear the whoosh?

I do…and it’s getting louder as I close in on the biggest voluntary career change I have made.  EVER.

Completed first draft comes next.

xox

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dreaming.

As 2013 begins to close out, I dreamed of a burning overstuffed kitchen trashcan this morning. The flames licked the papers and trash, dangerously close to spilling onto our wood floors.  I desperately looked around for water to put out the smoke-less fire, but could not find any thing to douse the flames.  In frustration and fear, I attempted to close the plastic trash bag around the flames, but ended up irritating the fire further…

I then woke up poking my husband in the arm to please tell me that he put out the fire in the kitchen? Only answer I received was a string of chuckles.  Apparently, I have been sleep talking this week.

(Time away from work-work does that to me.)

This wasn’t my first burning dream, but it’s been at least a decade since the last one.  Long time ago I had repeat dreams that an errant cigarette smoldered under the sheets in my bed…

During a time when I was experiencing massive change in my life on many levels.

I am, of course, curious to find out what this means to/for me now, a decade later, when life has been relatively stable. (Er., outside of MS joining the party along with too many family losses.)  Or is this simply the result of leaning into Stephen King’s masterpiece, On Writing?

But, I have a hunch there is change yet again on the near horizon…Year of the Horse will soon be upon us and my first book (draft) complete by end Q1.  Oooh, I just got goosebumps typing that.  Can’t help it.  Do I dare share my draft title?!  Uh.  Not yet.  😉 Let’s just say it’s chick-lit, laced with some self-help woo-woo and maybe a unicorn or two.  Er, writing a book within a book is d*mn hard!

Huh.  Change.

Book?  Changes with work?  Back to school? A Master’s degree?!  New friends?  Turning 40. (No ? required for that last one.)   Travel?  New home?  All appear to be waiting up ahead, but oddly…things feel closer than they have in the past.  Whooo hoo!  Bring it!

What fires you up ahead in 2014?!  Do share!!

Wishing you the most happy, healthy, and abundant year ahead!  I am so grateful that you take the time from your day to read my nonsensical keystrokes!  I still giggle any time someone finds my blog when searching for INFJ Death Stare…which happens almost every other day…

Have a safe New Year’s out there people!!

xox

10,000 words.

quick update.

I am hooked.  period.  hook.  line. and whatever.  I love, love to write.

especially sh*tty first drafts.  with reckless freedom.

even my hub commented that I look healthier. and happier.  since I have been writing.  uh.  since Friday.

I have spilled out over 10,000 words over the last three days.  the majority this weekend.

at this rate, I’m scheduled to finish NaNoWriMo by 11/15.

er. not sure that will happen, but we will see.  work has to take priority M-F 6:30-6:30.  so we will see.

all, I can say is that it took me THREE years to write 12K words for my Anya and Jillian.

go figure.  all I needed was a plan.  and a deadline.

guess I am a project manager at heart.

in the zone.

keep on rocking what you do, people!

xox

one sleep…

sooo…getting super nervy tonight…2 hours and 41 mins until it’s write-off time!

er. what?

wait a second. NaNoWriMo time.

entry scene already viewed in my mind.  so clear, it’s like I’m there.

book launch party. my protagonist is bored. and frustrated.  so she begins drinking to take her mind off what is really weighing her down…

cliche.  but, that’s cool.

what will show up from there??  I can’t wait to find out…but I have a few ideas!

talked to a work peep today who writes…we love how things just show up…that is just so dang cool.

I just gotta show up for that to happen.

T -2 hours.

xo

month one. is done.

saw the clinical researcher yesterday.

showed him the photo of the massive reaction my bod had on Tuesday night.  still there.  but getting better with some numbness on top.

five-inch hot red raised welt.  with tiny raised bumps sprinkled across my skin like tiny stars.

ouch.  that one hurt!

what am I putting in my body?

my thoughts spiraled as I eyed the dangling welts from the last two weeks.

what am I doing to my body??

lots to consider.  pros/cons.  ifs.  buts.  whats??

bit too much for this girl.  but at the moment, I’m appreciating the fewer shots.  giving the dailies up for the day after joint pain.  and massive red welts.  huh.

we’ll see what and how I feel the next time I put on a bikini.

and watch my brain flash by in black ‘n white images after my next MRI.

and work my body out.

MS is kinda sucky.

but certainly the awakening I am awaiting.

trial run.

so, it’s been confirmed:  I’m officially participating in a Teva clinical trial to play with the new three times a week therapy that is moving toward FDA approval in approximately one year.  the new 40mg syringes are being compared to the existing once a day 20mg therapy…so I could have been selected for what I’m already on…figured it was worth a try!

and finally yesterday, I found out I was randomized for the 40mg/3x/week!  super excited!  four days a week I do not have to experience the pain of an injection – yahoo!!

cool factor>>while I really wanted to give the 40mg a try, I knew I could not control the outcome….so I gave the decision up to the Universe…un-gripping my attachment to the outcome…and look what happened!  note to self:  do that often.

keep y’all posted on how it goes.  I kinda butchered my first shot yesterday @ the doc’s office, but the clinical researcher said it looked like I got most of it in…as I watched with terror as about half of the liquid spilled out on the table.  I blame the new AutoJect 2 pen I received.  sure.  no user error involved.  nope.  😉

I am setting the intention that this journey to be less exciting, less painful, and more freeing than my last adventures in learning how to self-administer injections.  🙂

xo

ps.  I have been posting a daily What Went Well (WWW) on FB these days a la Positive Psychology style.  wheeee! – it’s been so fun…and certainly helps keep my positive mojo flowing.  been thinking I should start a separate blog stream for my daily WWWs.  huh.  I’m copying them all into my daily Morning Pages.  maybe something I will focus on for the writing class I just began on Tuesday…(I always gotta have something to relieve the work stress.)

what provides you relief from the daily life, work, family, relationship stressors out in the world?  share below!  xo

sweet spot.

getting in the zone.  don’t you just love it when that happens?!  I don’t know about you, but I sure do.  😉

Suzanne McRae wrote about this topic earlier this week.   check out her amazing blog!  (we met in EFT training last summer; she’s brilliant.)

finding the sweet spot is a concept that has been rolling around in my head for the last few weeks…as I have been feeling like I’m in the zone much more frequently than usual.

sometimes it feels too good to be true (!)…and then what happens after that thought shows up?  life throws a curveball.  go figure.  you know what I’m talking about if you believe in the law of attraction.  😉

for me the sweet spot is a feeling of expansion, oneness, and low-grade (non-MS) buzzing throughout my entire body…I can see the future before it happens…I know what is about to arrive.

yet without any sort of attachment to the outcome.

everything was, is, and will be in perfect sync.

the sweet spot showed up when the hub and I were in Vegas last weekend celebrating our anniversary…and the universe was giving back exactly the same vibe I was pushing out there.  everything, every person aligned with my version of perfection.  we were surrounded by happy, joyful, friendly people.  those who were not, faded quietly away.  and the casino.  oh boy.  it definitely wanted to give back.

the hub and I even decided to test what was going on…I refocused my attention to the outcome of winning lots and lots of money.

and what happened? I began losing.  after a long winning streak.

so I quickly reverted to my feelings of goodwill and a positive, grounding vibe.

and sure enough, the Uni jumped on that too.  nuff-said.

when do you get in your sweet spot?  what happens when you get there?  share below!

xo

slippage.

how easy it is to slip into the company of unhappy when it comes a JOB.

both the mental unhappy – why aren’t things different?

and the emotional unhappy – why can’t I do more than just this JOB?

er. because this is what I signed up for…hello!

…and how super easy it is (for me) to slip in the yuck when someone else is feeling fearful.

I have a tendency to jump right off the high dive with ‘em… whaaat?

can feel my heart beat quickening.  but not in a good way.

my pulse pumping blood through my veins.  I know my BP increases when I feel this way;  if I look down @ my chest, I can see how fast blood is pumping in and out of my heart.  not my heart beat.

but the pressure-full blood moving in and out.

do I jump??  do I?

and then my ego, lizard voice begins to chime in.  or did she show up first?

huh.  she begins squawking out of my mouth.  well, she said x, then y, and can you believe it, that ZZZZ happened?  the ego pushes me right out there so I can be there with my friend…and what she’s going through.

not what I am.

my fear partner in crime chimes in and says, really, say more! with her eyes wide open.

and then the dialogue continues in a somewhat stilted symphony, until it reaches a crescendo that overwhelms both of us.

and we take pause.  and I realize what I’m doing.  she realizes what we’re doing.

we look at each other.  and laugh.

without saying anything, we both realize how nut-so ridiculous we are being – who wants to be the whiner?

but it bonds so gracefully.  😉

we pause.  and breathe.  and begin to rejoice all the good that a JOB brings us…

and then everything returns to baseline.  phew!

I see myself doing this almost every day.  it’s so easy to slip into the negative – yet I hate going there, it feels crappy.  when all I really want to do is coast the sparkly rainbow highway.  which is always overhead.  and certainly not over-rated.

do you do this?  I know I can’t be the only mulligan or corporate junkie who does.

come on, and share.  I’ll jump right in there with ya.  😉

xo

disconnect.

just returned from four nights in Yosemite and Sequoia.

can I say, awesome-balls?

even with no cell service.  and no internet access.  zero WiFi.  and a smattering of TV channels from what felt like they were delivered straight out of the 80s.

though the second killer hike on Friday, fried my calves.  they are still sore.  and I’m limping around like I’ve got MS or something.  cray cray like that.

oh wait.  I do.  but so glad not limping from a flare.  phew!  🙂

4/5 of us were limping on Saturday. Sunday.  and still today.

so how cool was it to disconnect from...everything?  extreme.

the hub and I ventured on our own path Friday. and took the road less traveled by.  from the other three.  our cohort.

we wandered into a magical forest to begin our Friday hike.  I kept exclaiming to the hub, ‘look at that! look at that!’ snapping photos as I we descended.

until we emerged from our enchanted forest to switch back after switch back of tight, slippery turns.  no guard rails.

making our way slowly down the steepest trail in Yosemite.

we would run into other travelers ascending.  pleading with us to tell them how much farther.  sweating.  eager for us to say, ‘oh only a half hour!’ but we could not lie when we knew it was at least 1.5 hours for them.

and then hearing ‘rock on you guys will be finished in 45 minutes.  no wait, 30 minutes!’ from a few others, beginning their ascent.

umm.  not!

but so cool, how filled with one-ness everyone on the trail was.  I even slipped (wait, we both slipped over and over again).  and I cut my pinkie finger slamming it into the granite rocks to save my legs.  someone ascending immediately wanted to provide assistance.  I could get used to this.  so kind.

I am used to this.

wow.

what an awesome, disconnected weekend.  one I won’t forget.

from squirrels tormenting one of our friends to watching a coyote on the side of the road watch us to not seeing any bears when warned otherwise.  to mosquitoes glimmering in the sun like tiny golden angels.  to strongly feeling my cousin, D.  to feeling like we all matter.  and then, that we don’t.  all in a matter of milliseconds.

we are all in this party together.  at this exact moment in time.  and how grand is that?

it was perfect.  perfect.

love, loved every second of perfection.  just as it is.

or was.

xo

fiction #8? the bookstore. Jillie finds the first book that might help.

“Ann Boroch?”  I repeated as I stared numbly at the title of the book in my hands, Healing Multiple Sclerosis.

“Do you think it’s a hard ‘k‘ sound?  Or a swoosh type finish? OR is it like chai tea?”  I asked Anya, annoyed at everyone who has ever had a hard last name to pronounce.

“What does it matter?”  Annie asked.

“It matters to me,” I said with an edge to my voice.  “Why can’t anything be simple with this beast?”

I turned the blue soft-hard-back over, looking for a hint of some sort of solution without having to read the 300+ pages.

“Here, you read it first, you’re a fast reader,”  I said shoving the copy into Annie’s hands.

“Do you want me too?  Why don’t we read it together?  We can hold a mini-book club meeting once we’re finished.  Or even check in as we read.  Come on girl.  You gotta read this stuff.  I’ll do it with you,” she said softly.

“Fine.  I just hope I don’t have to jump on the green juice wagon or whatever it is that’s popular with you kids these days – if I do it, you’re doing it too.” I said stiffly grabbing a second copy.

xo