NEW.

It’s only 18 days into the New Year, and I am landing a new job!  A job that didn’t exist until this year.

I start over 2/3.  Wow.  Immensely grateful for this opportunity!

Excited.  Nervous.  Relaxed.

NEW.

Being in the same job for the last nine+ years, this is quite the switch for me.  Turns out that growing roots does not become me.

As Martha Beck said to me>>I am living in a dead square 4 as far as career goes.  Yep.

Yeah but, I liked my secure comfort zone.

Though, after writing the first half of my book in November, I’m not sure what that zone looks like anymore.

Evidence #1:  Adopted a three-legged cat when I said I was over cats.  Cat preceded November, but still abnormal behavior.

Evidence #2:  Dyed my blond locks mahogany dark brown four weeks ago.  Just because.    Turns out it’s my natural color.  The only roots showing up are a dusting of arctic highlights and some old blonde wanting to poke through, but failing.

Evidence #3:  Willingness to take a pay cut, lose the title, office, and my car.  For the NEW job.  Just because it’s new and exciting.  And in an area that I’m passionate to learn more.   Do more.  Serve more.  Create more.

Change = good.

Feels right.  Fulfilling.  Expansive.

Same company.

About time.  And in the department that I listed on my career development box for my annual performance plan.  For the last five years.  Er. I gotta up my LOA skills.  😉

CRM/Marketing. Website development.  Maintenance.  eCommerce.  Training.  Support. Tracking.

New cohort.  100% female.

Check in on 2/8 after adding 10K more words to my novel and surviving week one on the job.

Do you hear the whoosh?

I do…and it’s getting louder as I close in on the biggest voluntary career change I have made.  EVER.

Completed first draft comes next.

xox

26/50: chocolate cake and Martha/Judi.

crazy dream this morning.

dreamed I was at the 2013 Martha Beck life coaching summit as an observer (since I’m not certified).

invited though (which was good).  but my job was undeniably just to watch others as they were there to complete their final challenge for certification: coach Martha Beck in person.

even though it was Martha, she looked just like Judi (my professor for MBTI training).

each life coach cadet was being video-taped as they coached Martha/Judi.

at first, I’m in the corner of the room, just observing as the cadets shuffle in and out.

finally, one of the cadets calls me over to do some live coaching on me.

I sit down at the formica’d desk. that was really narrow. Martha/Judi is sitting higher than both myself and the cadet attempting to coach me.  on the desk is a round chocolate cake and an audio recorder.

which I found odd, as I knew the whole room was being video’d.

while sitting there, I start fiddling with the audio player and end up accidentally running the cable for the audio player through the round gorgeous chocolate cake which is now topped with yellow roses.

the cable is covered in chocolate frosting.

oh sh*t. what do I do now? I gasp internally.

I know Martha/Judi have seen what I have done, but watching me to see what I will do next.

so I move the audio recorder to my lap, out of the camera’s and Martha’s view.  I guess.

weak attempt to avoid interfering with the cadet coach’s practice.

once on my lap, I discreetly try to wipe the cable off on my sweater.  quite unsuccessfully, but good enough.

and then stealthily return the audio unit to the table.

the woman who was coaching me, concluded that her hunch was that I’m now at a 1.3.  much better than the 1.8 with which I had sat down.

huh???  no wonder I’m not ready to be certified!  😉

internally I disagreed, but for Martha’s sake, and the woman’s sake, I nodded my head vigorously.

then I hear voices outside the door, so decide to depart the room and head outside…despite knowing that my behavior would be caught on TV and potentially influence future certification efforts with Martha.

I open the screen door, and outside are three women from my life coach training course! I was so excited – they were excited…and I woke up.

~must deconstruct this dream and figure out what the heck that chocolate cake means!~

xo

15/50: Martha, Martha, Martha

odd how a couple of Marthas have come into my life over the past three years.

both opened doors for me.  and then everything changed.  and I had never met a Martha until 2009.

2009:  my creative writing instructor, Martha Fuller.  (btw, who appears not to be teaching @ UCI anymore…if I’m wrong on that, please, please correct me!)

amazing.

sort of a writer’s whisperer.

awesome auditory memory.

a life coach and instructor for wannabe writers.

2011:  my life coaching instructor, Martha Beck.

awesome.

sort of a life whisperer.

amazing auditory memory.

a teacher and writer for wannabe life coaches.

huh.

weird how things work out sometimes.

xo

 

9/50: blast and Martha Beck.

sooo disappointed!!

my hub’s flight is delayed out of Dallas tonight. 😦

big boo!

this is really going to add to his dislike of flying!

he said, ‘pour a glass of wine, and I’ll be home soon.’

so that’s what I’m doing. I have three hours in front of me.

been a long week without the hub around. I know it’s been a long week for him too. he seems to actually love me. awesome.

so it’s just been the girls and me.

the puppers and I enjoyed a walk in the soft rain yesterday. beautiful. I let the light rain just fall on us. it was so peaceful. and good prep for my MBTI session last night!

turns out the pup has been in a foul mood since her daddy has been gone. every night when we get home from our walk she eagerly bounds to the back. looking for her him. she’s so cute!

I should be straightening up. but I think I may take a nap instead…or read.

write.

when I got home tonight, I looked in the mirror tonight after an arduous work day. with zero breaks. no outside air. frozen lunch. and disappointing news.

aged is what I saw looking back. really? when did those smile cracks happen?

hey, at least that means I’ve been smiling!

ms has really taken a toll on me physically. I saw that for the first time tonight. well outside of the leopard spots and knots from my daily injections.

feel like hibernating after putting on my E all week at work.

while playing in my dreams at night.

a book to write. sessions to schedule. books to read. emails to catch. something new to learn.

it’s hard work.

doing everything.

that is what Ms. Martha Beck coached me about…a year and a half ago.

wow. it was that long ago?

hadn’t thought of that event for some time. happy event too, that I have let go!

life changing. that woman is amazing. brilliant.

and what do I do when I meet her in person a month later?

the only thing I can say is how much her coaching in April 2011 changed me. ooh…and look at the post-it highlighter tabs that I bought after I heard Oprah recommend them on one of her shows. as I nervously finger them before she grabs my book for an autograph. could I perhaps be related to Peter Griffin?

really? seriously?

sometimes I want to slap myself upside my head.

when I really wanted to say, this class changed me. I wanted it to change me. and fix me. correction: I wanted to fix me. and, yes, ma’am, the last five months have delivered. and I would do it over again in a second. thank you for showing me the way.

thank you so much for giving me, me.

so here, you go, Martha. you rocked my world.

and I close by saying that I respectfully do not care if you ever read this blog post.

ha!

xo

brain mri #3.

so I met with my neuro today to review my latest brain MRI results.

Tim and I were both eager to hear the doc say, “Oh my goodness, I have never seen this happen in my entire experience – your brain is back to normal!! it’s a miracle!!”

not quite.

but, he had to read the results two times over to make sure he was correct in his interpretation (which if you read the report yourself, it is a bit clubby.)

“compared to the previous study from 2011 demonstrates that overall these lesions are definitely smaller. conspicuity is reduced as well the overall size.” (grammar and conspicuous errors intentional. 😉

we then scanned through the images on his desktop, and he commented that some of the lesions have disappeared!! like magic.

even my dawson’s fingers are shrinking which I saw immediately when they flashed by. there is a lot more space between them and they are much shorter(!)…when last year they were fingering the top of my skull!

all I can say is, brilliant. this is fan-flippin-tastic news… still MS. (kinda sh*tty, but things could be worse!)

though when we left, I couldn’t help but extravert my feeling function (i.e., I dropped a few tears) saying goodbye to my hub in the parking lot. followed by a long hug and lots of kisses.

we have had a period of un-fantastic news over the last year…so this is such good news, given the unfortunate diagnosis last year heading up the list of things that have gone wrong…

what a ray of light after a very bleak year.

so my vigor is renewed to continue keeping up my dietary changes. and add in the following: eat fewer foods out of a box. which means I have to start cooking again. or at least eat more fruit and vegetables. huh? note to self – those things make me feel good.

first thing I made at home tonight: a green smoothie. after dropping off the green smoothies since being back at work. this was my first GS in…six months?! unbelievable!

and, I rode the bike for 20 minutes tonight – which is 20 minutes more than I have cycled over the last three weeks. oh wait, we did ride off-road a couple weeks ago. nerve-y.

in a nutshell, taking my daily meds, laughing a lot, writing my morning pages, expressing tons of gratitude, getting enough sleep most nights, taking daily vitamins, and keeping the stress at bay…all helping!! one more note to self: need to figure out how to get back to yoga!

plus my need to learn and write. just like I need oxygen. but that was already a need before MS even showed up. just seems to have intensified since MS joined the party.

…fyi…contemplated my crazy call of the mild kids this morning…they discussed Jillie’s first MRI before MS showed up with a bullish brigade…

huh. if I could just create, read, and career counsel/coach all day long…hmmm…what would that life look like? pretty cool in my opinion.

on that note, what does your ideal day look like?? I would so love to hear!!

(just occurred to me that I should set up a MeditationS email address! you know…for privacy purposes!)

xo

ps. reading The Four-Day Win by Martha Beck – brilliant. mostly aimed at weight loss…but can be applied to so many ventures…!!

breathing out.

sometimes, it can be hard to get to this point.

evacuating all the air from my lungs.

so why do I wait so long to let it out?

when I know

how exhilarating.

and freeing

it feels.

off work for a week.  and have spent the last four days, holding my breath.  even with my lovely sister in town for a visit!

still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

so with classic law of attraction:  the shoe dropped.

two days ago.

and I just now let all the air out of my body.

but have I let it all go?

for the right now,

yes.

guess that’s what life is all about…working with and through what has been handed to us.  in each and every moment.  and preventing the yuck from sticking around.  or evaluating the yuck for what it is:  yuck!

I believe that we are all here to learn to be happy and reconnect with our essential self (spirit, soul, whatever!).

but some days the universe (God) has other plans.

can be hard to see the benefit (if there is one!) in the moment.

that is the ego interfering!

at the moment…reading Martha Beck’s memoir, Expecting Adam.  goosebumps.  amazing what we can experience when we open ourselves to seeing the unseen.

xo

ps.  brain MRI scheduled for later today.  which may be interfering.  but I know my brain feels strong.  and healthy.  I haven’t had a migraine in at least four weeks!

pps.  still working on call of the mild.  mostly in my head.  but it continues to brew.  and have myers-briggs to distract me from my stinky thoughts!  passed exam #2.   🙂

what next?

this is a question that has been weighing on me. for months.

no, the last three years.

correction: most of my adult life.

unfortunately, I am not in the possession of a crystal ball. darn it! that would make things so much easier.

(but who wants easy? that’s the whole point, isn’t it?)

nor have I finessed my clairvoyant skills to perfection. huh.

have tried a psychic. once or twice. in hopes of answers about which way to go.

to my amazement there are peeps that can actually see things that are unseen to the masses. freaks me out a little bit! but sure piques my curiosity.

but, my mind always races for something new. and forward-thinking.

all the time.

not a day goes by when I’m not looking forward. and wondering what if? and how long will what is, persist? (good and bad.)

who am I? what is up next? always at the top of my thoughts.

do I take this class next? or that class? or take them all at once? the one that is most frustrating: what book should I read next? ha!

so…here is my current list (being a planner by nature, this helps):

  • another session of UCI’s memoir, fact or fiction extension course. this is a late night class, so I have to balance with my sleep requirement.
  • Myers-Briggs certification. can do this online. but also lots of hours.
  • good vibe academy training. I love LOA. I get it. note to self: lots of time. more hours than the preceding two items.

(my hub says that I swing between the practical, rational, and corporate type. and the woo-woo, hippie, and new age vibe – which really isn’t all that new, if one takes a closer look.)

I digress.

  • finish up my pro-bono Martha Beck hours.
  • followed by MB certification. not to be confused with Myers-Briggs.
  • master’s degree in Psychology. do I do Positive Psychology? or Transpersonal Psych? huh.
  • learn how to master gluten-free cooking.
  • and play the guitar.
  • perfect the perfect tree pose.
  • finish writing my books.
  • volunteer at the HB art center.
  • and local animal shelter.

where is the time? to do all this, and manage my health. geesh!

when all I need to do is sit with my thoughts. and breathe. do some nothing.

write.

and allow the priorities to align.

then everything becomes clear.

xo