eyes wide open. literally.  after a visit to my rockin’ awesome eye doc.  my peepers got the clean bill of health.

no prescription change either.

shocker coming from the gene pool in which I was made.

got home earlier than normal after shielding my dilated eyes from the blinding sun.  (luckily the doc’s office is super close.)  and something urged me to take the puppers for an extra long walk.

the dilation drops were very slowly wearing off, so I relaxed into the beauty around me.    since I could SEE everything.  and as I gazed at the swaying trees in our park while the puppers combed the grass, I felt a medley of something I don’t feel very often:  connection.  presence.  calm.  clear.  confidence.  confident that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.  ahhhh.  and that felt so good.  and it still is here – four days later.

sidebar>>may the fourth be with you.  haha.  can’t help it.  😉  happy Star Wars day!

even the doggy picked up on my calm energy.  she didn’t pull.  and didn’t want to lead.  she didn’t bark at any skate-boarders.  or even the FedEx truck.  she just trotted along beside me.  stopping to smell all the scents left behind from other furry creatures.  apparently, smelling things is like watching a reality TV show for dogs.  my puppers definitely travels life with her eyes wide open.

the eye doc said I’m doing really well.  and had a fourth neurologist referral should I decide to switch in the future.  hmmm.  I see my current neuro on Tuesday.

tangential curve:  loving work-life most days.  lots of connections.  and I love that I’m on a new project.  that makes all the difference to me:  learning and doing new sh*t.  getting things organized.

with that, I’m going to take a break from my extra-curricular learning.  I have Bike MS to prep for in October.  we’re gonna go for the full 100. but will settle for Day 1 if that’s how it works out. whatever happens, happens.

so grateful for what is.

this week, I decided to swap two words from one of my fave quotes from Gretchen Rubin:  the days are long, the years are short.

and change it to…the days are short, the years are long.

whatever one envisions, one can create.  that’s mine.  and it just popped to the surface.  write that one down woman!

what happened to you this week?  my cuz and Grandma were on my mind a lot.  I took a good chunk of my inheritance from my Grandma and passed it forward to the MS Society.  that felt so good!



breakthroughs are a-coming. MS, watch out!!

this is not my 50th post, though I guess this is the 50th post this month…maybe it can take the place of the post that I wrote, but never posted?  😉

got so excited reading this, I just have to share…such cool news on the MS front!!

any of you MS peeps out there,  please, please read this article!!

quick intro…

The results suggest that the critical step happens when fibrinogen, a blood-clotting protein, leaks into the central nervous system and activates immune cells called microglia…

keep reading here…

new discovery!!

there will be a CURE in my life-time!  I believe it!!!

ps.  I use upstream and downstream differently than this author…but if this discovery can attack MS upstream, I’ll take it!


42/50. gratuitous post. long holiday weekend productivity.

today (Sunday) has been quite a productive day.

four blog posts – five today?  excellent!

holiday photo cards ordered!  I love, love how convenient the photo cards are!  selected a photo of the puppers.  JOY.  is the message.

six Xmas presents purchased for my soul-sisters.  plus a couple of birthday presents in there too!  three for some of the kiddos in our life.

dishes cleaned.  oops.  still need to empy the d/w!  (done now.)

two batches of brownies baked and delivered to friends and downstairs neighbors.

fabulous dinner with friends Friday night!  brill.  so much fun!

finished The Vintage Affair.  good read.  (now, reading Forever, which I had only sneaked peaks @ the library in 7th grade – as it was banned from reading in my house!  decided that Forever was for the 70s and 80s what Fifty Shades is for current day – ha!)

fiction scenes drafted.

laundry.  done.  pending folding.  still.  I laughed out loud today when I saw a FB friend post that no matter how gentle she is, her laundry never folds itself.

still to do:

draft website design.  (at the conceptual stage in my mind.)

target.  (done!)

empty d/w.

fascinating, eh?  😉

what have you accomplished on this holiday weekend?


ps.  if you’re thinking this is a gratuitous post for my 50 post challenge.  well, you’re right.  🙂  fiction coming up next.

24/50: Jillie’s vertigo and visual hallucination episode. this needs more detail!

“I have had a couple of bouts of vertigo over the last two days,” I said to my boss after organizing my buzzing legs into a professional crossed position.

He leans back in his chair, with an exasperated sigh, and rubs his forehead.  Great, I think to myself, I’m giving him my migraines.

“Look Jillian, do you need to go see your doctor again?”  He asked, emphasizing again, a little too much for my liking.

“I don’t think so, I thought I was over the vertigo!  I’m sure it will go away.  But just wanted to warn you should I crash into anyone in the office!”  I replied plastering a smile on my face.

“Okay, well, take it easy, if you need to go home early, just let me know,” he concluded the meeting.

Geesh, I think to myself as I ease myself out of his office, praying that I’m walking straight.  Compared to Thursday morning, when I walked into the line of bushes that encircle the office, I seem to be doing much better today.  I have always walked a little wonky…but this go around was different.  I shushed my inner voice that was telling me that the Beast was working his magic.  Again.

Later I sat down for a quick meeting with two of my direct reports, and the wall in my office twisted into a spiral.  Right in front of me.  I watch as the flowers on a calendar swirl together and then slowly right themselves.

One of my guys, Rob, who is very familiar with what’s been going on with me stopped discussing the latest order numbers, and asked, “are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine, thanks.  Can you tell me again what we can expect?” I replied too quickly, returning to my management duties, relieved that was a short episode.  After they leave my office, I do a quick google search for, vertigo, MS symptom.  Yes, it’s still on the list according to the MS Society.  D*mn, I mutter to myself.


After I arrive home from work, I grab the door frame in my bedroom as the walls begin to bend.  I look up to see if any of the lights in my room are swinging.  Turns out my brain is the only thing swinging.

Fabulous, I say to myself, and head out to the kitchen, grabbing a wine glass from the bar as I walk by.

21/50. exhausted.


had to grab some caffeine this afternoon while at work.

(as some of you know, I have reduced my caffeine intake, considerably.)

but today, if I had skipped my awake juice, my work peeps would have found me dead asleep on my desk.

head in drool.

though as a result, devised a new scene for Anya.

btw sidebar>>>reading Vintage Affair (thanks Jana!!).

love it.  turns out Ms. Phoebe has a Mr. Tate and an Annie.  huh.

might need to revise my character names.

can’t  won’t give up on The Tate though.

so off to bed, for what I hope is a long sleep!

this waking up at midnight every night instead of 1AM due to the time change is much improved.


lots to do this weekend.  hopefully we can shove a movie in there as well.

on my list:  cloud atlas (or atlas cloud – can never remember) and lincoln.  so long kiddie movies.  uh huh.


50 posts in 30 days: 1/50, insurance blues and gratitude, word count 300

the hub and I sat down tonight to pour through his company health insurance plan options.

it’s open enrollment time for both our companies.

stresses me out.

how lucky are we??  I have insurance.  he has insurance.  we all have insurance.

and now we are considering dropping mine.

which plan do we choose?  what if we don’t choose wisely?  and how frustrating will it be to switch my speciality prescription over to his plan?  probably very.

whatever.  I can deal with that.

this is what really weighs my brain down when I start looking at everything I receive through my insurance:  what do MS peeps do when they don’t have insurance???  I know one answer, they call the MS Society.

but it still torques my brain how good and how messed up our country is when it comes to the good of the people.

Copaxone is $48,000/year.

I currently pay $240/year.  supplies are free.

a brain MRI in the OC costs $3300.  just for the brain.

I coughed up $330 for mine.

$1500 for bits and pieces of the spine.

forget about infusions and hospital stays.   luckily have avoided both.

doctor visit after doctor visit.

prism lenses and eye patches.


acupuncture.  still haven’t tried that yet.

nutrition analysis.  coming up next!

and the MonSter blood work to rule everything else out.  until something else shows up.

turns out MS is one flippin’ expensive disease.

I want to help.  but then don’t know what to do.  or how I can make a difference.  what can I do???

Gandhi said to be the change I want to see in the world.

need some time to meditate.

and figure out what Jillie, my fiction MS traveler, is going to do when her health insurance gets dropped.

that may point me in the right direction…



happy 4th of July!

my father-in-law’s favorite holiday.

miss you, Jerry!

and I never even had the privilege of meeting you.

but I am blessed to know you through your son.   your daughters.  and my mother-in-law.

thank you, God, for bringing my amazing hub to me!

poof…that just made me tear up, writing all that!

on to happier topics!  wait, those were clean tears.  those are just fine!

so, today, I received an email that I was NOT selected for Every Day Matters.

disappointment galore.

before my thoughts turned to stinky thoughts…

I took a shower, and washed off my self-deprecating thoughts.  and what was not meant to be.

and emerged renewed.

I asked myself…what is perfect about this development?


it gives me more time outside of work to pursue other things that interest me!

such as…the class on EFT that I signed up for last weekend.

…and the online course for Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) certification!

(well, haven’t signed up for that one yet…but now I will for sure!)

reread my life coaching materials…

oh, and keep writing!


better feeling thoughts – always the goal.  in my book.

thoughts create emotion.

emotion creates action.  or in-action.  or new action.

what do you do with your thoughts?  I would love to hear!

hope you have a wonderful day of independence!  😉


hard limits.

so…I have to admit that I finished Fifty Shades of Grey a couple nights ago…

yes, that’s right, I recognize the writing could use some help.

and yeah, I know it could be classified as smut.  if that is indeed an official genre.  actually embarrassed to even write that I read it!  yep, I come from Puritanical ancestry…

uh huh…it centers around S&M.

(which horrified the author’s hub from what I understand.  😉  which kinda makes me giggle.)

I love that the author had (has?) a whole other life going on in her head.

then I thought about it…is the book just about s*x?

well, yes.

but there’s a story in there.

that ends up circling around the concept of establishing hard limits.

this concept is somewhat new to me.  seriously.

not the kind of hard limits in the book.

but hard limits in life.

limits to take care of one’s self.  and establish one’s boundaries.  in a variety of venues.

this is something that I struggle with myself on a daily basis.  kinda like Anastasia (for those of you in the know… 😉  yup, I talk to and argue with my inner goddess on a daily basis.  every woman has one… 🙂

but I have to set hard limits now that what has happened, has happened.

to protect myself from letting negativity in and blaming myself.  and contain myself from dumping my emotions all over everyone around me.

but is’s a fine line which falls into many grey areas.

hard limits = empowerment.  in my book.

here is my personal definition of hard vs. soft limits.  both types are good.  but can also be bad…depending on the circumstance.

hard limit – something that is non-negotiable.  respect for oneself.

soft limit – something that can be compromised or negotiated.  or released.

interesting to ponder.

I have the second and third Fifty books to read after I finish The Four Hour Work Week.  huh.  my real life must be crossing the wires…as it probably took me four hours to finish Fifty during a fifty hour work week.  😉

bit of a ramble tonight!

inspiration struck on the way into work today while listening to U2’s Beautiful Day – love, love that song.

must listen to more music while driving.  it moves me.  to action.

what are your hard limits in life?  I would love to hear!  PG-13, please.  😉


ps.  made it into round two of Everyday Matters.  official title:  Everyday Matters.  yesterday I realized that I had converted the title into Every Day Matters – which has a totally different meaning to me than Everyday Matters.  just sayin’.  😉

every day…matters!

yesterday I entered the MS Society contest, Every Day Matters…yikes!

not sure my application was accepted as I did not receive an email confirmation – ha!

but decided to leave it up to the Universe to ensure it was.

if it is supposed to happen, it will.

so after a surge of excitement yesterday that I could win, I started overthinking the prospect of winning vs. not winning.  typical behavior of which I have reached the expert level.

until it hit me this morning while driving to work, with my music pumping (for once!) that I can do something even if I am not selected as a finalist…!


so I have a new goal to document how I make every day matter.  because it has to matter!  there’s no other choice but to make every day the best day possible.

yes, yes, there are things beyond one’s control.  but it’s how one processes events beyond one’s control.

when it’s clean pain, I cry.  and mourn.  until it evaporates into remembering the joy of the experience.

when it’s dirty pain, I deconstruct the thoughts that are contributing to the dirty pain.

when there’s nothing, I make nothing into something better!

when it’s better, I keep the better riding up front!

so today…and yesterday…I’m still riding up front from celebrating Father’s Day with my Dad – how cool is that?

I haven’t celebrated Dad’s Day with my Dad for AGES!  umm…I’m talking probably at least 25ish years?

he and I have made huge strides in our relationship.  gigantic leaps in the last two years.  lots of work on both sides.

clarity.  forgiveness.  acceptance.  understanding.

and for that I am ever SO grateful!  I knew that one day I would arrive here. yeah!

even my hub pointed out how I quickly reset when feelings of envy of what I missed growing up started to surface.

the hub said he could visibly see my body relax when he knew I had let it go …and as a result…we all relaxed…how cool is that!?

in that exact moment, I realized in some part of my soul that every day matters.

unfortunately, I didn’t hit this official epiphany until this morning.  post contest entry.  ha!

nonetheless, I’m cool with that.  my hub says my entry is pretty good.  my piece details what has been left undone as a result of MS joining the party.

winner or not, from here on out, I’m going to document how I make every day matter.

today, I wrote this blog.

love you, Dad.

sidebar>>the hub says now he knows where I came from; I’m just like you, Dad.

and that is so cool.  🙂

what do you do to make every day matter?



for MS.  first time.

well, not with walking – ha! – but with MS.

this is new.

where it’s happening:  UCI, outer ring.  you know, UCI, where the original Planet of the Apes was filmed?!

I walked this walk over and over and over again.  back in the day.  🙂

here is my team’s link if you’re interested in helping out some MS peeps:


they really need it.  and anything helps!

the National MS Society – Pacific Chapter = amazing.

’nuff said.

oh wait, one more thing…we get to bring Monty-dog along.  yeah!