how much we take for granted.
and with the events of yesterday…how can one not think of what we take for granted? God bless the lost souls. and affected loved ones. a shooting in Las Vegas and then another one in Fashion Island, Newport Beach today? really?
what is happening to us? I cried.
but tonight, my attention was diverted by an uber-spasmed muscle.
it sure is the un-spasmed muscles we take for granted. for one.
oooph. hub and I were out for a lovely dinner tonight.
shabu shabu style to finish off our week of meat indulgence. cows are off my list for 2013, I decided.
after finishing off with a strawberry macoron. my entire right side – from low rib cage up.
decided to spasm.
like someone had shoved an amber glowing fireplace poker between my skin and my muscles. ooooph. how it burned. and burned.
I couldn’t even contract my stomach muscles. or breathe in deeply. at all.
someone had decided to hug me hard enough to evacuate all the air from my lungs. and burn me. and keep hugging me. oh so tight.
even my body stopped me from a sneeze that was ready to erupt. my body was not having any other focus than this intense pain.
let’s go, I look at my hub. in desperation. I’m so sorry.
can you please just rub it? I don’t know what’s happening. it’s hot. and burning. and I can’t breathe very well. I say to my worried hub as we head home.
I know spasms are a part of the MS card. but really. this bad??
please God. release me, I pleaded.
staving off the tears. it burned so incredibly bad. ever notice that when you’re in intense pain, the tears don’t come easily. your body is so distracted by the pain. no tears swell to the surface and tip over the edge of your bottom eyelashes. even when my right foot spasms in a zombie type manner.
with the intensity, I don’t cry. though the pain is worthy of tears.
I tapped. and tapped in the car on the way home. I get it, I have MS, and I accept it. I whisper over and over again.
and then stretched and stretched, my right arm stretched high over the left side of my body. the peeps driving behind us must have been curious.
my hub rubbed my back after we got home. over and over again. I get up and stretch. and pace.
it’s not getting better, I say. what is this? I want to know. please someone help me, help me.
so I go to the bathroom and decide to focus on peeing – sorry for the graphic image.
good. good. I can still pee in this condition. and I stretch some more. phew. and then I walk out. and start breathing deeply.
whaaaat? it’s gone? I say. it’s gone? really that quickly?
I’m confused. is it really gone? I want to know.
yes. it’s gone.
thank you, God. thank you, thank you, thank you. I silently say.
I know I have been denying that I have MS. I do not deny that anymore.
I accept it. a year+ later.
and I will do something with it, I promise.
ps. thank you God, for giving me my rock. he so didn’t sign up for this. or maybe he did. now the tears flow easily. x