Dartboard.

Have you ever grabbed a bunch of darts and thrown them at a dartboard…all at the same time?

How’d you do?

Lemme guess…

They all went flying haphazardly no where even close to the sweet spot…the bulls-eye.

Maybe not even close to the larger real estate of the dartboard…or perhaps they didn’t find a place to land at all; they just tumbled pathetically to the floor.

That’s how I have been feeling over the last couple of years. I wanted to grab at anything and everything I could in order to get just one dart to stick.

Too many darts being thrown all at once. Not enough focus on one to get that one to stick.

Took me this long to figure that out.

Work. Writing. Mish-mosh blogging. Coaching. Career counseling. Project Management. EFT. Small business development. Fundraising. Class after class.

And while everything listed above ignites a passion in me…I’m spread too thin across all of them to get even one to stick.

Huh. So while being sucked into Breaking Bad over the last two weeks and cuddling with our new orange three-legged tabby (our puppers could not be happier!), I have done some serious nothing.

And as a result I have found my focus narrowing…

I still have my JOB. Might as well do that well. Okay.

So what do I really want to do well outside of that?

One word surfaced easily.

WRITE.

Next month marks NaNoWriMo. National Novel Writing Month. 50K words in 30 days.

I’m just gonna grab that dart and fire.

Catch y’all after I resurface on December 1. Or maybe somewhere along the way when I have lost my mind.

I can’t wait to begin writing…I already have my story mapped out on my iPhone notepad and in my head. This one is brand new…and I didn’t know it was in there waiting for me to give it life. I had been so focused on Jillie and Annie that I have been ignoring the other characters that want to be heard. Turns out there’s a whole bunch of ’em. Can’t wait to give them a voice.

xo

two years.

wow.

the fact that today marks the day I was diagnosed with MS didn’t hit me until I was prepping myself to do my 3x/week Copaxone shot tonight.

(Tuesday night’s was a beast.  I still have an extremely tender two-inch red lump on my right thigh.)

tonight’s was easy breezy…fyi.  thank you God!

so yup, my two-year anniversary didn’t hit me until tonight.  I must have been distracted by all that is – including today being Talk Like a Pirate Day.  after this realization struck me, all I could mutter out loud to the dog was shit…and then laugh at myself.  no wonder the hub was being extra lovey this morning and appreciative of my appearance as I bounced out the door in my new white swan blouse and red suede heels.  love that blouse.  he even texted me after he got to work:  how you do today baby?  that didn’t even jog my memory.  he remembered though.  what an amazing man!

wow.

I officially forgot about it…

two years to make that happen.

xo

the halfway point.

talked to my girlfriend last week, and she made a point that has made all the difference.  both in my working and personal life…ahem, whose work life isn’t personal?

she said, we can only meet people at the halfway point.  the other half is up to them.

that’s their business.

you can’t control them and force them to meet you in the middle.  and who looks like the fool when doing that?

um.  yours truly.  sorry honey.

I had never looked at things like that.  I always have felt like I needed to pull more weight  and do more.  and make it my fault when there wasn’t anything given back.

at various times in my life when it was clear I wasn’t getting back what I invested, I silently defected.  (turns out I’m not a big fan of confrontation.  yet still blamed myself.)

why do I keep doing that?  I ask myself.  I have even asked my current posse of best friends not to let me do this(!)…

looking at that…it occurs to me….why should they be responsible for my behavior?  uh huh.

I know this has more to do more with my fears and my issues than anything else.

so now, I give it to my stopping point (right at the edge of my comfort zone).

and then actually stop.  and un-attach from the outcome.

and if I happen to receive in return, I fully embrace it with immense gratitude and love.  and embrace that I even have the opportunity to give it in the first place.  😉

and if there is nothing to receive.

that’s okay too.

xo

slippage.

how easy it is to slip into the company of unhappy when it comes a JOB.

both the mental unhappy – why aren’t things different?

and the emotional unhappy – why can’t I do more than just this JOB?

er. because this is what I signed up for…hello!

…and how super easy it is (for me) to slip in the yuck when someone else is feeling fearful.

I have a tendency to jump right off the high dive with ‘em… whaaat?

can feel my heart beat quickening.  but not in a good way.

my pulse pumping blood through my veins.  I know my BP increases when I feel this way;  if I look down @ my chest, I can see how fast blood is pumping in and out of my heart.  not my heart beat.

but the pressure-full blood moving in and out.

do I jump??  do I?

and then my ego, lizard voice begins to chime in.  or did she show up first?

huh.  she begins squawking out of my mouth.  well, she said x, then y, and can you believe it, that ZZZZ happened?  the ego pushes me right out there so I can be there with my friend…and what she’s going through.

not what I am.

my fear partner in crime chimes in and says, really, say more! with her eyes wide open.

and then the dialogue continues in a somewhat stilted symphony, until it reaches a crescendo that overwhelms both of us.

and we take pause.  and I realize what I’m doing.  she realizes what we’re doing.

we look at each other.  and laugh.

without saying anything, we both realize how nut-so ridiculous we are being – who wants to be the whiner?

but it bonds so gracefully.  😉

we pause.  and breathe.  and begin to rejoice all the good that a JOB brings us…

and then everything returns to baseline.  phew!

I see myself doing this almost every day.  it’s so easy to slip into the negative – yet I hate going there, it feels crappy.  when all I really want to do is coast the sparkly rainbow highway.  which is always overhead.  and certainly not over-rated.

do you do this?  I know I can’t be the only mulligan or corporate junkie who does.

come on, and share.  I’ll jump right in there with ya.  😉

xo

fear.

do you ever look at some people, and wonder how they managed to get where they are?

how did they make that leap?

what was the turning point?

did they ever have any fear?

if they were scared, when did the fear stop??!!

and most importantly, how do they make it look so dang easy?!!!

these questions float through my thoughts daily.  yep.  daily.

~

this weekend was a lot about trying to side-step fear – with a sh*tload of yeah-buts.  you know – what a yeah-but is.  an excuse.  a reason NOT to move forward.

turns out, the only way to deal with fear is to go right at it.  and power through it.

the only way.

once you do, you can look back, and say, wow, that sure scared the shit out of me.  but it wasn’t that bad once I did it.  what was my problem?!

yeah-but, comes your lizard voice.  again.  (they still show up in the after-party.)  you still you might screw up and make a mistake.  that’s okay.  you want to screw up…it’s the only way to grow. learn.  tweak.  and refine.  the learning from that mistake and every mistake after that, is worth it.  all you need to do is reset and redirect.  and rock ‘on!  power on.

huh.  wow.

it never is as bad as we think it will be.  because the magnitude of what we make up in our minds is such a stretch from reality, it’s no wonder people stay stuck.  when we really don’t have to…

~

saturday.  workshop with my good friend, Karen.  awesome…and I met a girl I was supposed to meet.  one of my work peeps had been trying to introduce us for months.  and then there she was at a random, unrelated workshop.  crazy, huh?!  I love it when stuff like this happens.

the universe always delivers.  eventually…  😉

~patience; waiting to receive.  gratitude.  and allowing it in when it happens.~

we talked a lot about fear @ the workshop.

I can’t do what I want to do because of XY and that bugger Z.  and what if W happens?  then where will I be??!!  nowhere!!  the horror!!!

umm, right where I am but with W along for the ride.  oh.  right.  yeah-but…

sunday.  yesterday, I faced my shame and fear head on.  I had been avoiding riding with a group of peeps who ride for MS.  people I don’t know.  but they kept inviting me in.  and all I could do was run away.  yep.  brilliant.  I had avoided this for three+ years.  before and after the MS joined the journey.

turns out, I had decided to lean heavily into my false belief:  I can’t ride that far (these people ride 100 miles every other day ;-).   I’m definitely not strong enough, and I don’t know them well enough to show them my insecurities.  or my strength.

geez, I sure let that string of beliefs rule my actions.  so I didn’t ride with ’em.  yeah-but I still felt the shame of not riding.  ;-P  perfect example for Self-Coaching 101.  hehe.

so yesterday, the hub and I biked with this group for the first time.  19.6 miles.

after all that fear I made up in my mind, it stopped me from moving forward.  but once I told that belief to go pound sand, I decided to ride with an uber-friendly group of peeps who it turns out, are my people.  and the new friend that I met on Saturday decided to ride too, and didn’t think that 20 miles sounded like a long ride.  and, yes, she thought I could do it.  easy-peasy.

so what did I do:  I did it.  and it felt so good.  screaming as I plummeted down a super long and steep hill overlooking the ocean.   even after nearly eating it after a cramp decided to grab onto my right foot.  and hearing words from my cousin, keep your eyes on the road, as I nearly bounced off my bike after taking my eyes off the road.

what fear do you have that you want help powering through?

think about it.  because life’s just way too short.

xox

ps.  one of my fave quotes…what would you do if you could not fail…?  unknown author.  if you know, share below!

disconnect.

just returned from four nights in Yosemite and Sequoia.

can I say, awesome-balls?

even with no cell service.  and no internet access.  zero WiFi.  and a smattering of TV channels from what felt like they were delivered straight out of the 80s.

though the second killer hike on Friday, fried my calves.  they are still sore.  and I’m limping around like I’ve got MS or something.  cray cray like that.

oh wait.  I do.  but so glad not limping from a flare.  phew!  🙂

4/5 of us were limping on Saturday. Sunday.  and still today.

so how cool was it to disconnect from...everything?  extreme.

the hub and I ventured on our own path Friday. and took the road less traveled by.  from the other three.  our cohort.

we wandered into a magical forest to begin our Friday hike.  I kept exclaiming to the hub, ‘look at that! look at that!’ snapping photos as I we descended.

until we emerged from our enchanted forest to switch back after switch back of tight, slippery turns.  no guard rails.

making our way slowly down the steepest trail in Yosemite.

we would run into other travelers ascending.  pleading with us to tell them how much farther.  sweating.  eager for us to say, ‘oh only a half hour!’ but we could not lie when we knew it was at least 1.5 hours for them.

and then hearing ‘rock on you guys will be finished in 45 minutes.  no wait, 30 minutes!’ from a few others, beginning their ascent.

umm.  not!

but so cool, how filled with one-ness everyone on the trail was.  I even slipped (wait, we both slipped over and over again).  and I cut my pinkie finger slamming it into the granite rocks to save my legs.  someone ascending immediately wanted to provide assistance.  I could get used to this.  so kind.

I am used to this.

wow.

what an awesome, disconnected weekend.  one I won’t forget.

from squirrels tormenting one of our friends to watching a coyote on the side of the road watch us to not seeing any bears when warned otherwise.  to mosquitoes glimmering in the sun like tiny golden angels.  to strongly feeling my cousin, D.  to feeling like we all matter.  and then, that we don’t.  all in a matter of milliseconds.

we are all in this party together.  at this exact moment in time.  and how grand is that?

it was perfect.  perfect.

love, loved every second of perfection.  just as it is.

or was.

xo

three strong women.

Annette Funicello.

Lilly Pulitzer.

the Iron Lady.  Margaret Thatcher.  PM while I was living in England.  (she definitely wore her catsuit to work every day.)

Annette didn’t make it quite as long as the other two.  she was 70.  and died from MS complications.  what those might have been…we will probably never know.

huh.

sad day today.

whatever your connection to MS might be.  fashion.  or politics.  may they all RIP.

xo

what a difference an hour makes.

I used to always despise moving the clock forward.

losing a whole hour from the precious, beautiful weekend hours. boof that!

but didn’t feel that way this weekend.

I actually lined through everything on the TO DO list.

let me frame the momentum of this: I have never, ever completed every thing that I have set out to do that is on my dreaded to do list.

so I’m calling this a small victory. so satisfying! (really am a J to the core, and that’s okay!)

the first of many victories, I say.

takes some turtle steps to get moving, doesn’t it!?

one thing I did differently for this to do list.

I grouped the items into categories:

Saturday.

– non-negotiables.

Un-fun work.

– bills, errands, taxes. boof! laundry…wait a second – laundry wasn’t even on my list – and I still did that. whaaaat?!

Fun work.

– B-School stuff. outline draft #1 for my upcoming workshop on Myers-Briggs Step II – In addition to being totally awesome, who am I, really? synced iTunes. and installed MS Office on my laptop (h*ll yes, that one is HUGE…see ya Pages! 😉

this B-School biz is going to change my life. it already is. again.

how many times can a girl’s life be changed?! first time when I was given a copy of The Secret in 2006. second time after I discovered Martha Beck….and it was all downstream from there…

it never ends does it?

I have, “life is not a destination, it’s a journey,” posted on the inside of my medicine cabinet. not sure who wrote it. but it’s a gem.

back to B-School, it hit me this weekend that I have a LONG A*S list of things that I’m interested in, once I started writing them all down. things that inspire me. give me goose bumps. get me into the flow. you know – flow – when time evaporates? don’t you love it when that happens!? (there has to be a way to make money in the flow. I am determined to figure that out. 😉

(most of this stuff I love has been vomited all over this blog mess that I have created – I get it! it’s a confusing mess of practical? advice? life coaching tidbits. dream work. bits and pieces of my messy soul. fiction fun. Myers-Briggs. photography. life. memoirs. health stuff – boof!)

time to wrap it all. or deconstruct it. some way. some how.

expect a massive clean up on this website over the summer-fall months. don’t know what it will look like, but it’s coming.

the hub is holding me to NOT sign up for any more coursework until I make time for my business. (shhhh… I know I’m going to secretly take another writing course – as that is a non-negotiable on my inspiration list. can anyone say Danielle LaPorte…?)

per Marie Forleo, everything is figure-outable. go figure. 😉

what’s on your list?!

think about it.

xo

ps. some day must share the crazy dream I had with Tyra Banks in it Friday night…where did she come from?! and there I was ooohing and awwwwing along with the rest of her followers. strange! (not really one by the way, but not judging…just sayin’!) and the hilarious scene when she showed a group of us what she does with a full paper towel roll. could not stop laughing when I shared her dream advice with my hub!

empathy engulfed.

have you ever noticed that when you’re talking to someone, you start to feel exactly what he or she is feeling?  and then are taken aback after the conversation is over to find yourself stuck in a flood of some feeling that doesn’t feel like it belongs to you?  or maybe you have made it yours.

others don’t know that I feel what they’re feeling.  but I know.  and sometimes too late.  I have a gem of a trick to feel everything when I’m focused completely on the person who is sharing their thoughts, troubles, triumphs, or even excitement for what they had for dinner last night.  it does not matter.  if they are feeling something strongly, I feel it too.  fo’shizzle!  we learned about this habit in life coach training; turns out peeps attracted to coaching…play with this kind of engulfing empathy.

sometimes, I am curious how much I’m in my head when this happens.  huh.  will sit on that tonight.

anyway this happens to me.  a lot.

since I know this happens, I have a daily reminder on my bathroom mirror to zip up my disco-ball (diamond encrusted) catsuit.  all the way to my chin.  I require super-power to protect myself from taking on too much. absorbing too much that isn’t mine.

this happened to me at work today.  but I forgot my suit.

I called a customer back who had asked to speak to me directly. never good.

I knew of this customer’s troubles yesterday, and I felt so bad for the guy.  and then he wanted to speak to me.  after not receiving what he wanted from anyone else.

he just wanted me to hear him out after sharing his surprise that I called him.  and so I did and listened to his story from beginning to end.  despite already knowing what went wrong.  my eyes welled up at one point I was so saddened by how sad and baffled he was over this issue.  and it wasn’t even a life or death situation.

as soon as my eyes started stinging, I realized at that point, that I was in his business. and too far by the looks of it, after I stepped into the role of the watcher.  and cleared my throat saying that I would re-read all his emails and figure out what to do about the tremendous lack of empathy everyone else had given him.  once we hung up – I had to leave the building and get outside.  to breathe.  refocus.  and shake it off.  I’m still exhausted by that event from this afternoon.

and then…my eyes dampened on the way home from work tonight while attempting to continue my refocus.  so started thinking about my characters and from whose point of view I’m going to write the book. which I have been tapping around for days now. and then it hit me head on; I could feel Anya drawing me to her when I began to feel what she feels and how all the misery in the world gnaws at here.  no boundaries there.  um.  really?

note to self:

zip it up all the way, honey.  please.  but when writing…might be acceptable to edge the zipper down just a tad.

when have you found yourself muddled up in someone else’s mess?

xo

47/50: men better at pointing out blind-spots?

just read him #46.

his reply,

really, your cousin just died in October.  

we just celebrated endured two one year anniversaries…

your diagnosis.

my mom passing.

you’re stressed about work.

with all that, you’re fighting the urge to smoke.  

and you wonder why you can’t stop eating in the office?  really not that hard to figure out.

huh.

spot on, baby.

xox