the halfway point.

talked to my girlfriend last week, and she made a point that has made all the difference.  both in my working and personal life…ahem, whose work life isn’t personal?

she said, we can only meet people at the halfway point.  the other half is up to them.

that’s their business.

you can’t control them and force them to meet you in the middle.  and who looks like the fool when doing that?

um.  yours truly.  sorry honey.

I had never looked at things like that.  I always have felt like I needed to pull more weight  and do more.  and make it my fault when there wasn’t anything given back.

at various times in my life when it was clear I wasn’t getting back what I invested, I silently defected.  (turns out I’m not a big fan of confrontation.  yet still blamed myself.)

why do I keep doing that?  I ask myself.  I have even asked my current posse of best friends not to let me do this(!)…

looking at that…it occurs to me….why should they be responsible for my behavior?  uh huh.

I know this has more to do more with my fears and my issues than anything else.

so now, I give it to my stopping point (right at the edge of my comfort zone).

and then actually stop.  and un-attach from the outcome.

and if I happen to receive in return, I fully embrace it with immense gratitude and love.  and embrace that I even have the opportunity to give it in the first place.  😉

and if there is nothing to receive.

that’s okay too.

xo

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fear.

do you ever look at some people, and wonder how they managed to get where they are?

how did they make that leap?

what was the turning point?

did they ever have any fear?

if they were scared, when did the fear stop??!!

and most importantly, how do they make it look so dang easy?!!!

these questions float through my thoughts daily.  yep.  daily.

~

this weekend was a lot about trying to side-step fear – with a sh*tload of yeah-buts.  you know – what a yeah-but is.  an excuse.  a reason NOT to move forward.

turns out, the only way to deal with fear is to go right at it.  and power through it.

the only way.

once you do, you can look back, and say, wow, that sure scared the shit out of me.  but it wasn’t that bad once I did it.  what was my problem?!

yeah-but, comes your lizard voice.  again.  (they still show up in the after-party.)  you still you might screw up and make a mistake.  that’s okay.  you want to screw up…it’s the only way to grow. learn.  tweak.  and refine.  the learning from that mistake and every mistake after that, is worth it.  all you need to do is reset and redirect.  and rock ‘on!  power on.

huh.  wow.

it never is as bad as we think it will be.  because the magnitude of what we make up in our minds is such a stretch from reality, it’s no wonder people stay stuck.  when we really don’t have to…

~

saturday.  workshop with my good friend, Karen.  awesome…and I met a girl I was supposed to meet.  one of my work peeps had been trying to introduce us for months.  and then there she was at a random, unrelated workshop.  crazy, huh?!  I love it when stuff like this happens.

the universe always delivers.  eventually…  😉

~patience; waiting to receive.  gratitude.  and allowing it in when it happens.~

we talked a lot about fear @ the workshop.

I can’t do what I want to do because of XY and that bugger Z.  and what if W happens?  then where will I be??!!  nowhere!!  the horror!!!

umm, right where I am but with W along for the ride.  oh.  right.  yeah-but…

sunday.  yesterday, I faced my shame and fear head on.  I had been avoiding riding with a group of peeps who ride for MS.  people I don’t know.  but they kept inviting me in.  and all I could do was run away.  yep.  brilliant.  I had avoided this for three+ years.  before and after the MS joined the journey.

turns out, I had decided to lean heavily into my false belief:  I can’t ride that far (these people ride 100 miles every other day ;-).   I’m definitely not strong enough, and I don’t know them well enough to show them my insecurities.  or my strength.

geez, I sure let that string of beliefs rule my actions.  so I didn’t ride with ’em.  yeah-but I still felt the shame of not riding.  ;-P  perfect example for Self-Coaching 101.  hehe.

so yesterday, the hub and I biked with this group for the first time.  19.6 miles.

after all that fear I made up in my mind, it stopped me from moving forward.  but once I told that belief to go pound sand, I decided to ride with an uber-friendly group of peeps who it turns out, are my people.  and the new friend that I met on Saturday decided to ride too, and didn’t think that 20 miles sounded like a long ride.  and, yes, she thought I could do it.  easy-peasy.

so what did I do:  I did it.  and it felt so good.  screaming as I plummeted down a super long and steep hill overlooking the ocean.   even after nearly eating it after a cramp decided to grab onto my right foot.  and hearing words from my cousin, keep your eyes on the road, as I nearly bounced off my bike after taking my eyes off the road.

what fear do you have that you want help powering through?

think about it.  because life’s just way too short.

xox

ps.  one of my fave quotes…what would you do if you could not fail…?  unknown author.  if you know, share below!

disconnect.

just returned from four nights in Yosemite and Sequoia.

can I say, awesome-balls?

even with no cell service.  and no internet access.  zero WiFi.  and a smattering of TV channels from what felt like they were delivered straight out of the 80s.

though the second killer hike on Friday, fried my calves.  they are still sore.  and I’m limping around like I’ve got MS or something.  cray cray like that.

oh wait.  I do.  but so glad not limping from a flare.  phew!  🙂

4/5 of us were limping on Saturday. Sunday.  and still today.

so how cool was it to disconnect from...everything?  extreme.

the hub and I ventured on our own path Friday. and took the road less traveled by.  from the other three.  our cohort.

we wandered into a magical forest to begin our Friday hike.  I kept exclaiming to the hub, ‘look at that! look at that!’ snapping photos as I we descended.

until we emerged from our enchanted forest to switch back after switch back of tight, slippery turns.  no guard rails.

making our way slowly down the steepest trail in Yosemite.

we would run into other travelers ascending.  pleading with us to tell them how much farther.  sweating.  eager for us to say, ‘oh only a half hour!’ but we could not lie when we knew it was at least 1.5 hours for them.

and then hearing ‘rock on you guys will be finished in 45 minutes.  no wait, 30 minutes!’ from a few others, beginning their ascent.

umm.  not!

but so cool, how filled with one-ness everyone on the trail was.  I even slipped (wait, we both slipped over and over again).  and I cut my pinkie finger slamming it into the granite rocks to save my legs.  someone ascending immediately wanted to provide assistance.  I could get used to this.  so kind.

I am used to this.

wow.

what an awesome, disconnected weekend.  one I won’t forget.

from squirrels tormenting one of our friends to watching a coyote on the side of the road watch us to not seeing any bears when warned otherwise.  to mosquitoes glimmering in the sun like tiny golden angels.  to strongly feeling my cousin, D.  to feeling like we all matter.  and then, that we don’t.  all in a matter of milliseconds.

we are all in this party together.  at this exact moment in time.  and how grand is that?

it was perfect.  perfect.

love, loved every second of perfection.  just as it is.

or was.

xo

MiScellany.

eyes wide open. literally.  after a visit to my rockin’ awesome eye doc.  my peepers got the clean bill of health.

no prescription change either.

shocker coming from the gene pool in which I was made.

got home earlier than normal after shielding my dilated eyes from the blinding sun.  (luckily the doc’s office is super close.)  and something urged me to take the puppers for an extra long walk.

the dilation drops were very slowly wearing off, so I relaxed into the beauty around me.    since I could SEE everything.  and as I gazed at the swaying trees in our park while the puppers combed the grass, I felt a medley of something I don’t feel very often:  connection.  presence.  calm.  clear.  confidence.  confident that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.  ahhhh.  and that felt so good.  and it still is here – four days later.

sidebar>>may the fourth be with you.  haha.  can’t help it.  😉  happy Star Wars day!

even the doggy picked up on my calm energy.  she didn’t pull.  and didn’t want to lead.  she didn’t bark at any skate-boarders.  or even the FedEx truck.  she just trotted along beside me.  stopping to smell all the scents left behind from other furry creatures.  apparently, smelling things is like watching a reality TV show for dogs.  my puppers definitely travels life with her eyes wide open.

the eye doc said I’m doing really well.  and had a fourth neurologist referral should I decide to switch in the future.  hmmm.  I see my current neuro on Tuesday.

tangential curve:  loving work-life most days.  lots of connections.  and I love that I’m on a new project.  that makes all the difference to me:  learning and doing new sh*t.  getting things organized.

with that, I’m going to take a break from my extra-curricular learning.  I have Bike MS to prep for in October.  we’re gonna go for the full 100. but will settle for Day 1 if that’s how it works out. whatever happens, happens.

so grateful for what is.

this week, I decided to swap two words from one of my fave quotes from Gretchen Rubin:  the days are long, the years are short.

and change it to…the days are short, the years are long.

whatever one envisions, one can create.  that’s mine.  and it just popped to the surface.  write that one down woman!

what happened to you this week?  my cuz and Grandma were on my mind a lot.  I took a good chunk of my inheritance from my Grandma and passed it forward to the MS Society.  that felt so good!

xox

chance encounter.

exhausted.  after one night in Vegas.

I am getting old!

but have never had such a fab birthday!

last night in Vegas, I met a girl at our three card poker table.  I knew as soon as she sat down that her energy was good.  I liked her instantly.

she started talking to the dealer, who wanted to know where she and her hub were from etc.

chicago.

of course, that piqued my hub’s interest.

turned out she played water polo at my hub’s high school.  after it had been converted to co-ed.  this is not the first time we have run into former Fenwick peeps.  randomly!  i.e., when a gaggle of teen guys from Chicago were in FL wanting to play with my sistas…all attended Fenwick.  and jumped to attention once they heard my hub did.

anyhow, I digress.

this girl shared with our dealer that she wanted a break after dealing with a horrible diagnosis two+ years ago.

I couldn’t NOT ask her.

she had leukemia.  and kicked it out of her universe!  awesome.  we clinked our glasses.  she rocked.

I shared what I have.

and she said, oh, that’s way worse than leukemia.

whaaaat??  no way!!   I said.   not my version of MS.  no way, no how.

she said, trust me.

huh.

I still refute her statement.  though the hub and I discussed further tonight:  she knew what the treatment options were.  she had an end point to her treatment and kicked cancer in its balls.

got it.  just like I am kicking MS.  same story.  different circumstance.  no kids.  for the aforementioned reasons.  we got each other.  so, so cool!

my only regret, I did not get her number.  but we winked, mentally hugged, and high five’d as the hub and I left the table.  the best part…she didn’t believe I am 39.  ha!

xox

 

three strong women.

Annette Funicello.

Lilly Pulitzer.

the Iron Lady.  Margaret Thatcher.  PM while I was living in England.  (she definitely wore her catsuit to work every day.)

Annette didn’t make it quite as long as the other two.  she was 70.  and died from MS complications.  what those might have been…we will probably never know.

huh.

sad day today.

whatever your connection to MS might be.  fashion.  or politics.  may they all RIP.

xo

random love stuff.

you’re awesome!  remember that on this Valentine’s Day Eve!

single or paired up.  or whatever.

and especially if you’re single or alone, make sure you do something for you.

to celebrate your awesomeness… 🙂

…and now a bit of a rub…

I just have to share:  today is the hub’s and my eleventh anniversary. (eleven years?!)

since we had our first official date.

first date after the happy hour that started it all.

he emailed me on a Monday morning, saying, so it looks like I’ll have a pair of Ducks tickets for Wednesday night, do you want to go?

did I want to go?  heck yes!!

I still remember the guy who sat across from me at work asking where I was going smelling so good and skipping out right at 5:00?  I have a date, I declared with a grin that would not stop.

yeah, yeah, the hub and I are overly sentimental.  I still have a copy of that email.

but that’s cool.  we dig it the most.  we wouldn’t be us if we weren’t, well, us.

daily, I write in my morning pages, how grateful I am for my rockin’… …amazing…brilliant…funny… hot hub!  whatever adjective fits.

we tell each other we love each other.  every day.  multiple times.  we never forget.

even on the not so great days.  (we have had those too – like every other couple out there!)

that’s all I got.  love you, baby, and you know I like to tell everyone…  😉

bit of a sidebar>>>the blogging mojo has still been avoiding me since my Grandma left her physical form…I think I exhausted it all writing her eulogy.

it’s okay though…doing some work on NOT comparing and despairing during this period of writing inactivity.  uh huh.  yep.  careful what words I use, woman!  inactivity, comparing, and despairing.  not good LOA choices are they!?

I know the mojo is still in there.

oh good.  goosebumps just confirmed it. (btw, taking a course on Intuition.  more on that later.)

what have you crazy peeps been up to lately…do tell?!

ps.  remember, that YOU are awesome.  tomorrow, find a random someone to look in the eyes and smile.  and see what happens.  I dare ya.  😉

xo

love all around.

holy wow.  this one is going to really hurt.

it already is.

how the world can change in a second.

(how many times has a writer written that line??  too many.  is it cliché yet?)

I thought I would be returning to the same Grandma from last weekend – when I visited her yesterday morning.

(not that she was even my usual, twinkly-eyed Grandma last weekend.  but she knew I was there at least.  on some level.)

nope.  God had other plans for her this week.

she had a massive right brain stroke.  suppose it’s a shame it wasn’t her left brain…at least she would be in better shape on the inside.  from what I hear.  she would be able to easily see and connect with the angels that just want to fold their downy feathers around her.

they can’t wait until she joins them.  I can feel it.  but for now, they are watching.  waiting.

the priest at her church (of 60 years!) anointed her with oil last night.  it was beautiful.  and tear-full.  she was left holding a comfort cross.

the priest also gave comfort crosses to my uncle.  myself.  and my hub.

we set her up for hospice care today.  thank God, that my cousin D. was there to help guide my uncle and me as we met with hospice care, Kathy.  I looked at my uncle at one point, and it was as if he had turned into D.

wowzer.

Grandma, you have love all around you.  you know that.

love.  love.  love.

xoxo

counting down.

the hub and I enjoyed an awesome dinner tonight at a neighborhood restaurant.

’twas very clear we have been eating out wayyyy too much of late.

(errr. the last year and a half.)

all of our local haunts have been treating us exceptionally well this holiday season.

they all know us.  and shake our hands.  kinda Norm-like.  and we know the other regulars.

guess that makes the extra weight I have gained worthwhile!

fyi…have nixed the auto-ject.  extra weight helps with injections.

but no more in 2013.  fo’shizzle!  back on the bike.  (which, I did today, btw!)

or perhaps as early as tomorrow at dark o’clock.  on a live bike.

but tonight, at dinner, we recounted all that went well in 2012.

despite some yuck.  (big black spots on 2012.)

lots we concluded – went well.  without a doubt.

and that felt really good.

all we can do is take a took at the What Went Well.  and toast to that!

then arrived home to my cousin’s yearly poem.  love that!

now home, my hub is reclined.  playing his XBox 360.  happy.

fulfilled.

what is up for 2013?

my resolution is to enjoy every day as it comes.  even eager to get back to work!

whaaaat?!  the routine.  the interaction.  the problem solving.  all fabu in my book!

oh, and keep writing.  and learning.

one of my girlfriends from college, has just published a book. Sacred.  check it out if you get a chance.  awesome.

blows me away how many authors I know now.  so cool!

despite my desire to work with people.  my truest desire is just to write.  like everyone else in the blogosphere.  😉

however, my other resolution in 2013 is not to let good friends go astray.

I’m a weird bird to figure out.  I get that.  INFJ.  remember that.  😉

but I no longer let good friends go to the wayside because of my own insecurities.  no more.  so if you are an old friend that has happened to stumble across my blog.

know that I still think of you.  and often.  miss you.  and not sure what to do now.  esp. my one best friend from 3rd-11th grade.  who crossed paths with my cousin just a couple of years ago.  before he died.  xo

she understood; she didn’t hold my silence against me…
~Scarlett in reference to Lily…Sacred, Elana K. Arnold.

xoxo

the way.

finished the book, Untethered Soul, this afternoon.

and I have concluded that this book is definitely going on the books that changed my life shelf.

indeed.  this one may have topped the list.

do read it.  and go back to it.

I know I will.

forces one to think.  and not think.

ponder.

and consider.  inspiration.

why we are here?

what is the end-goal of life?

why?

all questions I have been playing with for the past four years.  (really, that’s it!)

until then, I had been living a false life.

hiding behind my story.  do you have one too?

but when my carefully self-constructed story began to disintegrate out of my control, I didn’t know what to do.

and so, I have been on a roller-coaster journey since.

well, let me back up.  I had glimpses of this revelation in 2006.  I was intrigued.  curious.

thanks to my chiropractor.  she saw something I could not see yet.

how grateful, I am for this journey, as hard and painful as it has been!

I had been living a false, superficial, artificial life.

not that I believe that I have now reached the promised land.  because I know things always change.

even after carefully constructing a simple, easy, planned life years ago – I stand corrected.

it was this thing called a chronic condition that really solidified my realization that there is more to life than security.  external approval.  and more approval.

that’s the life I had been living.  pretty weak, eh?

when one of my friends said back in…2007?…that all she wanted was to be happy…my reaction was, that’s it?

now, I get it.  I get it!

I have been shown the way.

and I have been rolling around bottom of the pendulum swing for the last year+.  with some momentary and/or a few hour-long swings both ways.

but I get it.

the only thing in life that is worth our being here for our short stint on planet earth, is to reach an even flow of ecstasy.

all the time.

it’s so simple, it’s hard.

xo