Longest time…

…since I have posted.  Longest time since I began blogging in 2011.  Go figure.  I might just be over the…you know what.

Er. no offense on any front.

I love blogging.  But, lots going outside of my writing world since the new year.  Visit from my oldest younger sista.  Fab!

New job = brilliant.

Plus with the added bonus…

I feel the healthiest…and strongest I have in…years.  Seriously.

Turns out my brain needed a massive reset.  Along with daily physical workouts.

Tomorrow I have the dreaded weekly Monday reports…but I will overcome!  Other than Monday reports – it is brilliant.  Everything I wanted.  Creativity.  Logic.  Getting sh*t done.  I am 100% accountable for me.  No one else.

Wow.  Who knew what a weight my old job was on me… I felt responsible for every single person on my team.  Including myself.

I could not be happier on the work front…well, until I finish the official first draft of my novel…quietly resting in the background.  For the first time since end of November, today, I felt the familiar (but overdue) heat begin to burn…

Inspired after reading an essay on FB tonight…which brought tears to my eyes…I can’t NOT do this.

…so I will resume the adventures of my Tasha, JayZen, Patrick, and Sara…all guided by an invisible unicorn…or?

Who knew that unicorns are so popular these days…?

or maybe they always were…

xox

NEW.

It’s only 18 days into the New Year, and I am landing a new job!  A job that didn’t exist until this year.

I start over 2/3.  Wow.  Immensely grateful for this opportunity!

Excited.  Nervous.  Relaxed.

NEW.

Being in the same job for the last nine+ years, this is quite the switch for me.  Turns out that growing roots does not become me.

As Martha Beck said to me>>I am living in a dead square 4 as far as career goes.  Yep.

Yeah but, I liked my secure comfort zone.

Though, after writing the first half of my book in November, I’m not sure what that zone looks like anymore.

Evidence #1:  Adopted a three-legged cat when I said I was over cats.  Cat preceded November, but still abnormal behavior.

Evidence #2:  Dyed my blond locks mahogany dark brown four weeks ago.  Just because.    Turns out it’s my natural color.  The only roots showing up are a dusting of arctic highlights and some old blonde wanting to poke through, but failing.

Evidence #3:  Willingness to take a pay cut, lose the title, office, and my car.  For the NEW job.  Just because it’s new and exciting.  And in an area that I’m passionate to learn more.   Do more.  Serve more.  Create more.

Change = good.

Feels right.  Fulfilling.  Expansive.

Same company.

About time.  And in the department that I listed on my career development box for my annual performance plan.  For the last five years.  Er. I gotta up my LOA skills.  😉

CRM/Marketing. Website development.  Maintenance.  eCommerce.  Training.  Support. Tracking.

New cohort.  100% female.

Check in on 2/8 after adding 10K more words to my novel and surviving week one on the job.

Do you hear the whoosh?

I do…and it’s getting louder as I close in on the biggest voluntary career change I have made.  EVER.

Completed first draft comes next.

xox

> 50K words.

done and done.

in 29 days.  wowzer!  all in accordance with NaNoWriMo guidelines.  50K words in the month of November.  fiction.  new.

how much fun November was!  I cannot remember a better, more fun, fulfilling span of time!

how good, strong, and healthy did I feel.

now I can finally say that I have written 50,000 words of fiction.

currently, words are escaping me.  as the hub said tonight, I can take a break.

but I’m not done yet! was my reply.  as I scratched out chapters 7-13 titles last night.

so I will continue.

I have not felt more alive than did over the last month.  so why not?

will the real unicorn please stand up?

xo

ps.  last MRI results = beautiful.

two more sleeps…

before I begin writing something brand new.  fiction.

in other words:  two days to NaNoWriMo.  wow.  can’t believe it’s almost here.

today, the nerves started to settle in:  how am I going to write an average of 1,667 words/day?  :-O

especially with work being as crazy as it has been the last three weeks.

the life coach in me says to just focus on the feeling state when I write…it feels so good…remember how much you love it.  so do it!

but, what if I miss a day?

then I’ll have to write 2x that figure.  or 1,667 divided by number of remaining days.  that feels a bit better.  😉

sure.

no problem.

uh huh.

I have my story outline.  theme.  characters. (three central characters.)  goals.  motivations…internal and external.  (mainly internal, as that’s how I roll.)  conflicts.  and two pinch points.  one better than the other.

I don’t have to be the next Sarah Gruen, but I will finish.  I will.  I will.  see you on the other side!  last year I did 50 blogs in November…roughly 30K words.  this year, I’m doing 50K words.  yikes!

rock on people, and don’t forget that voice in you that urges you to do more, be more, give more…it’s sooo worth it.

xo

Dartboard.

Have you ever grabbed a bunch of darts and thrown them at a dartboard…all at the same time?

How’d you do?

Lemme guess…

They all went flying haphazardly no where even close to the sweet spot…the bulls-eye.

Maybe not even close to the larger real estate of the dartboard…or perhaps they didn’t find a place to land at all; they just tumbled pathetically to the floor.

That’s how I have been feeling over the last couple of years. I wanted to grab at anything and everything I could in order to get just one dart to stick.

Too many darts being thrown all at once. Not enough focus on one to get that one to stick.

Took me this long to figure that out.

Work. Writing. Mish-mosh blogging. Coaching. Career counseling. Project Management. EFT. Small business development. Fundraising. Class after class.

And while everything listed above ignites a passion in me…I’m spread too thin across all of them to get even one to stick.

Huh. So while being sucked into Breaking Bad over the last two weeks and cuddling with our new orange three-legged tabby (our puppers could not be happier!), I have done some serious nothing.

And as a result I have found my focus narrowing…

I still have my JOB. Might as well do that well. Okay.

So what do I really want to do well outside of that?

One word surfaced easily.

WRITE.

Next month marks NaNoWriMo. National Novel Writing Month. 50K words in 30 days.

I’m just gonna grab that dart and fire.

Catch y’all after I resurface on December 1. Or maybe somewhere along the way when I have lost my mind.

I can’t wait to begin writing…I already have my story mapped out on my iPhone notepad and in my head. This one is brand new…and I didn’t know it was in there waiting for me to give it life. I had been so focused on Jillie and Annie that I have been ignoring the other characters that want to be heard. Turns out there’s a whole bunch of ’em. Can’t wait to give them a voice.

xo

trial run.

so, it’s been confirmed:  I’m officially participating in a Teva clinical trial to play with the new three times a week therapy that is moving toward FDA approval in approximately one year.  the new 40mg syringes are being compared to the existing once a day 20mg therapy…so I could have been selected for what I’m already on…figured it was worth a try!

and finally yesterday, I found out I was randomized for the 40mg/3x/week!  super excited!  four days a week I do not have to experience the pain of an injection – yahoo!!

cool factor>>while I really wanted to give the 40mg a try, I knew I could not control the outcome….so I gave the decision up to the Universe…un-gripping my attachment to the outcome…and look what happened!  note to self:  do that often.

keep y’all posted on how it goes.  I kinda butchered my first shot yesterday @ the doc’s office, but the clinical researcher said it looked like I got most of it in…as I watched with terror as about half of the liquid spilled out on the table.  I blame the new AutoJect 2 pen I received.  sure.  no user error involved.  nope.  😉

I am setting the intention that this journey to be less exciting, less painful, and more freeing than my last adventures in learning how to self-administer injections.  🙂

xo

ps.  I have been posting a daily What Went Well (WWW) on FB these days a la Positive Psychology style.  wheeee! – it’s been so fun…and certainly helps keep my positive mojo flowing.  been thinking I should start a separate blog stream for my daily WWWs.  huh.  I’m copying them all into my daily Morning Pages.  maybe something I will focus on for the writing class I just began on Tuesday…(I always gotta have something to relieve the work stress.)

what provides you relief from the daily life, work, family, relationship stressors out in the world?  share below!  xo

slippage.

how easy it is to slip into the company of unhappy when it comes a JOB.

both the mental unhappy – why aren’t things different?

and the emotional unhappy – why can’t I do more than just this JOB?

er. because this is what I signed up for…hello!

…and how super easy it is (for me) to slip in the yuck when someone else is feeling fearful.

I have a tendency to jump right off the high dive with ‘em… whaaat?

can feel my heart beat quickening.  but not in a good way.

my pulse pumping blood through my veins.  I know my BP increases when I feel this way;  if I look down @ my chest, I can see how fast blood is pumping in and out of my heart.  not my heart beat.

but the pressure-full blood moving in and out.

do I jump??  do I?

and then my ego, lizard voice begins to chime in.  or did she show up first?

huh.  she begins squawking out of my mouth.  well, she said x, then y, and can you believe it, that ZZZZ happened?  the ego pushes me right out there so I can be there with my friend…and what she’s going through.

not what I am.

my fear partner in crime chimes in and says, really, say more! with her eyes wide open.

and then the dialogue continues in a somewhat stilted symphony, until it reaches a crescendo that overwhelms both of us.

and we take pause.  and I realize what I’m doing.  she realizes what we’re doing.

we look at each other.  and laugh.

without saying anything, we both realize how nut-so ridiculous we are being – who wants to be the whiner?

but it bonds so gracefully.  😉

we pause.  and breathe.  and begin to rejoice all the good that a JOB brings us…

and then everything returns to baseline.  phew!

I see myself doing this almost every day.  it’s so easy to slip into the negative – yet I hate going there, it feels crappy.  when all I really want to do is coast the sparkly rainbow highway.  which is always overhead.  and certainly not over-rated.

do you do this?  I know I can’t be the only mulligan or corporate junkie who does.

come on, and share.  I’ll jump right in there with ya.  😉

xo

MiScellany.

eyes wide open. literally.  after a visit to my rockin’ awesome eye doc.  my peepers got the clean bill of health.

no prescription change either.

shocker coming from the gene pool in which I was made.

got home earlier than normal after shielding my dilated eyes from the blinding sun.  (luckily the doc’s office is super close.)  and something urged me to take the puppers for an extra long walk.

the dilation drops were very slowly wearing off, so I relaxed into the beauty around me.    since I could SEE everything.  and as I gazed at the swaying trees in our park while the puppers combed the grass, I felt a medley of something I don’t feel very often:  connection.  presence.  calm.  clear.  confidence.  confident that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.  ahhhh.  and that felt so good.  and it still is here – four days later.

sidebar>>may the fourth be with you.  haha.  can’t help it.  😉  happy Star Wars day!

even the doggy picked up on my calm energy.  she didn’t pull.  and didn’t want to lead.  she didn’t bark at any skate-boarders.  or even the FedEx truck.  she just trotted along beside me.  stopping to smell all the scents left behind from other furry creatures.  apparently, smelling things is like watching a reality TV show for dogs.  my puppers definitely travels life with her eyes wide open.

the eye doc said I’m doing really well.  and had a fourth neurologist referral should I decide to switch in the future.  hmmm.  I see my current neuro on Tuesday.

tangential curve:  loving work-life most days.  lots of connections.  and I love that I’m on a new project.  that makes all the difference to me:  learning and doing new sh*t.  getting things organized.

with that, I’m going to take a break from my extra-curricular learning.  I have Bike MS to prep for in October.  we’re gonna go for the full 100. but will settle for Day 1 if that’s how it works out. whatever happens, happens.

so grateful for what is.

this week, I decided to swap two words from one of my fave quotes from Gretchen Rubin:  the days are long, the years are short.

and change it to…the days are short, the years are long.

whatever one envisions, one can create.  that’s mine.  and it just popped to the surface.  write that one down woman!

what happened to you this week?  my cuz and Grandma were on my mind a lot.  I took a good chunk of my inheritance from my Grandma and passed it forward to the MS Society.  that felt so good!

xox

what a difference an hour makes.

I used to always despise moving the clock forward.

losing a whole hour from the precious, beautiful weekend hours. boof that!

but didn’t feel that way this weekend.

I actually lined through everything on the TO DO list.

let me frame the momentum of this: I have never, ever completed every thing that I have set out to do that is on my dreaded to do list.

so I’m calling this a small victory. so satisfying! (really am a J to the core, and that’s okay!)

the first of many victories, I say.

takes some turtle steps to get moving, doesn’t it!?

one thing I did differently for this to do list.

I grouped the items into categories:

Saturday.

– non-negotiables.

Un-fun work.

– bills, errands, taxes. boof! laundry…wait a second – laundry wasn’t even on my list – and I still did that. whaaaat?!

Fun work.

– B-School stuff. outline draft #1 for my upcoming workshop on Myers-Briggs Step II – In addition to being totally awesome, who am I, really? synced iTunes. and installed MS Office on my laptop (h*ll yes, that one is HUGE…see ya Pages! 😉

this B-School biz is going to change my life. it already is. again.

how many times can a girl’s life be changed?! first time when I was given a copy of The Secret in 2006. second time after I discovered Martha Beck….and it was all downstream from there…

it never ends does it?

I have, “life is not a destination, it’s a journey,” posted on the inside of my medicine cabinet. not sure who wrote it. but it’s a gem.

back to B-School, it hit me this weekend that I have a LONG A*S list of things that I’m interested in, once I started writing them all down. things that inspire me. give me goose bumps. get me into the flow. you know – flow – when time evaporates? don’t you love it when that happens!? (there has to be a way to make money in the flow. I am determined to figure that out. 😉

(most of this stuff I love has been vomited all over this blog mess that I have created – I get it! it’s a confusing mess of practical? advice? life coaching tidbits. dream work. bits and pieces of my messy soul. fiction fun. Myers-Briggs. photography. life. memoirs. health stuff – boof!)

time to wrap it all. or deconstruct it. some way. some how.

expect a massive clean up on this website over the summer-fall months. don’t know what it will look like, but it’s coming.

the hub is holding me to NOT sign up for any more coursework until I make time for my business. (shhhh… I know I’m going to secretly take another writing course – as that is a non-negotiable on my inspiration list. can anyone say Danielle LaPorte…?)

per Marie Forleo, everything is figure-outable. go figure. 😉

what’s on your list?!

think about it.

xo

ps. some day must share the crazy dream I had with Tyra Banks in it Friday night…where did she come from?! and there I was ooohing and awwwwing along with the rest of her followers. strange! (not really one by the way, but not judging…just sayin’!) and the hilarious scene when she showed a group of us what she does with a full paper towel roll. could not stop laughing when I shared her dream advice with my hub!

INFJ death stare?

who knew such a thing existed?!  not me!

until someone found my blog searching for INFJ death stare.

love that!

thank you random stranger for finding my blog!  appreciate the look, and I promise that if I ever meet you in person, I will restrain my stare. 😉

after doing some research on the topic, I found that an intense stare, looooong, and sometimes angry look seems to be common for INFJs.

and INTJs.

we’re both kinda serious types.  stoic listeners.  and extremely observant.  putting all the patterns together in our thoughts.  senses are on fire.  (sometimes gets a bit overwhelming!)

when it comes to Myers-Briggs, the hub and I both share our dominant function, Intuition.  which is introverted – it all happens on the inside…

we are absorbed taking a lot of sh*t in all the time – no wonder the stare shows up!

I think it’s more of a zone out; we’re on a journey on the inside.

the more I think about it, I do stare at people – I’m fascinated by them!  what is going on in there, I want to know!  what are they thinking…I love making up stories about random strangers.

ran across one descriptor – INFJ eyes are deep – like the soul of the holder is looking through you.  cool.  maybe.

or perhaps what we see scares us. 😉

after discovering this nugget today, I recalled a photo of me at my corporate day job.

and there I was, wearing the death stare!

and it was at a happy event!

go figure.  must be mindful of my external expression of what’s goin’ on inside.

good indicator my mask is not in place whenever people ask me, what’s wrong?  

hardly anything is, but it’s usually when I’m deeply focused on something.

and then…someone at @ work this week throws out that I look like Wendy – you know – Wendy from the restaurant.

huh?  whaaat?

he probably got the death stare for that…in fact, I’m sure he did, as he quickly followed up with, well, you’re always smiling, it’s great.  in fact you also kinda remind me of Pippi Longstocking, she was fearless.  and always smiling.  just like Wendy.

and then he walked off.  still makes me giggle.

that’s all I got for the death stare topic.  🙂

sidebar>>>love, love how much there is that I don’t know.  yet.  for example, I listened to a podcast earlier this week from my favorite Stuff You Should Know guys, Josh and Chuckers, How does the Barbie doll work…frickin’ hilarious.  those guys always make me laugh.  note to self>>good death stare banishment.  vengeance is mine…if you know Barbie…you know what I’m talkin’ about…  🙂

sidebar2>>>working on my first workshop for Myers-Briggs Step II!  super excited!

xox

ps.  also contemplating taking Marie Forleo’s BSchool.  this might be the most least thought-through decision I have made in my life, as I will have to decide by Monday…and I just found out about it yesterday.  but anyone who says mother-humpers on a Q&A call is all good in my book.  seriously.  🙂