slippage.

how easy it is to slip into the company of unhappy when it comes a JOB.

both the mental unhappy – why aren’t things different?

and the emotional unhappy – why can’t I do more than just this JOB?

er. because this is what I signed up for…hello!

…and how super easy it is (for me) to slip in the yuck when someone else is feeling fearful.

I have a tendency to jump right off the high dive with ‘em… whaaat?

can feel my heart beat quickening.  but not in a good way.

my pulse pumping blood through my veins.  I know my BP increases when I feel this way;  if I look down @ my chest, I can see how fast blood is pumping in and out of my heart.  not my heart beat.

but the pressure-full blood moving in and out.

do I jump??  do I?

and then my ego, lizard voice begins to chime in.  or did she show up first?

huh.  she begins squawking out of my mouth.  well, she said x, then y, and can you believe it, that ZZZZ happened?  the ego pushes me right out there so I can be there with my friend…and what she’s going through.

not what I am.

my fear partner in crime chimes in and says, really, say more! with her eyes wide open.

and then the dialogue continues in a somewhat stilted symphony, until it reaches a crescendo that overwhelms both of us.

and we take pause.  and I realize what I’m doing.  she realizes what we’re doing.

we look at each other.  and laugh.

without saying anything, we both realize how nut-so ridiculous we are being – who wants to be the whiner?

but it bonds so gracefully.  😉

we pause.  and breathe.  and begin to rejoice all the good that a JOB brings us…

and then everything returns to baseline.  phew!

I see myself doing this almost every day.  it’s so easy to slip into the negative – yet I hate going there, it feels crappy.  when all I really want to do is coast the sparkly rainbow highway.  which is always overhead.  and certainly not over-rated.

do you do this?  I know I can’t be the only mulligan or corporate junkie who does.

come on, and share.  I’ll jump right in there with ya.  😉

xo

Advertisements

47/50: men better at pointing out blind-spots?

just read him #46.

his reply,

really, your cousin just died in October.  

we just celebrated endured two one year anniversaries…

your diagnosis.

my mom passing.

you’re stressed about work.

with all that, you’re fighting the urge to smoke.  

and you wonder why you can’t stop eating in the office?  really not that hard to figure out.

huh.

spot on, baby.

xox

40/50: the dream.

last night/this morning, I dreamed the following detailed below…unfortunately, no chocolate cake this time…but one of my less stressful work dreams (I have at least one per week!).

dream notes from my morning pages….

dream last night.  at work, which was UCI. and as I’m walking toward the gathering place, I can tell something is up.  I can feel it without a doubt.  I feel alone.

there are people everywhere watching to ensure nothing gets out of hand.  cops.  security.  all on the perimeter.  watching.  silently communicating with each other.

I walk by [HR woman], and ask her, what’s going on?  something’s up isn’t it?

she replies, yes, we’re having an all employee meeting.

here? I ask.

yes, just follow everyone out to the park.

whatever, I reply, but at that time I am certain that there is a layoff coming…

we are all gathered outside on the steps facing Aldrich park…and the CEO starts speaking.

thank you for your loyalty, but I bring this news with a heavy heart.  as you all know, we have been having a hard time lately and I must let go of 10% of the workforce in the US.  he stops, and wipes a tear from his right eye.

if you were not stopped and spoken to by someone of importance on you way here, you can be assured that you are in the 10% of the staff that is being let go.  if you were spoken to, please leave the area and return to work.  those who remain, we will cover your severance.  he concluded, excusing the still employed.

really, that’s it? I think to myself.

how do they know they got to everyone??  I wanted to yell.

but was vaguely satisfied in the background that I was standing with the rest of the severed employees.

and then I awoke.

xo

 

28/50: trust.

my boss laid into me today for something that I already do.

that he wants me to do.

huh??!

something that I created from nothing back in 2006.

and has been evolving since.

clearly it’s not good enough is what I read into the conversation.

bit frustrated on my side of the fence, yes.

he was frustrated too.

but I quickly let it go.

(it feels much better to let things go than to hang on to them I have discovered!)

so on my drive home tonight I started thinking about trust after scratching intuitive trust and blind trust on a post-it note after the exchange.

perhaps I trust people too much.  I wondered.

and perhaps I expect to be treated similarly.  hmm.

I trust that my staff will do what they say they will do.

and most of the time, they do.

and sometimes they will make it their own.  which is so cool!

they only don’t do something, when I have asked them to do something they don’t understand.

turns out they didn’t know they didn’t understand the task until they started doing it.

easy fix in my book.  so I explain again in a different way, draw, demonstrate, show, and then inspect what I expect.  in the background.  I hate to hover!  and I will only check their work three times.  and then when I see they clearly have it, I let them go.

concluded that there must be four different types of trust:

blind trust.

intuitive trust.

logical trust.

and the best kind of trust I know:  loving trust.

maybe blind trust is loving trust?  I think not. it all depends, I suppose.

perhaps intuitive trust can also be confused with blind trust in the Corporate world?

how the heck does one explain intuition?!   I can’t!

I don’t know.

what do you peeps think?  I would love to get some help on this topic!

I just know that I use my intuitive trust at work.  so far it has never let me down when it comes to work.

except when I ignore it.  that is my lesson learned.  🙂

xo

13/50: happy Veteran’s day!

my Dad.

my Dad-in-law.

the hub’s Uncle.

my Granddad.

and then many generations back on my side of the family…

all served our country.

(the hub’s family – immigrated from Ireland so many took the first chance they got to enlist!)

I can’t imagine a more stressful job.

talk about courage!!

example:  my Granddad’s plane was shot down in WWII.

he was the only one who survived.

and spent a year in a POW camp after washing ashore.

wow.

wow.

hats off to all those who have served.  and are currently serving.

xox

10/50: Jillian and Anya round three

definitely will have to double up to meet my challenge.

my one friend, who is doing the WrimoNano challenge…or whatever it’s called (just one of those abbreviated titles that I will never remember)…is up to 20K words! holy cow!

wowzer!

though I may end up dropping in bits and pieces from my memoir and fiction piece. not really new blog posts…but hey…I’ll meet my goal. pulled up my memoir last night.

ewwww! was not a happy person when I started writing that! but it had to go somewhere – might as well be on the page.

rather than subjecting you to that…how about some more from Anya and Jillian…? scene removed. some gritty conversation occurs before this episode in their fave, dark, high-end bar. Jillie is flaring. they are on a lunch break, breaking the rules…

“I’m sorry. I wish there was more I could do. It’s so frickin’ unfair,” I reply and really mean it. I just don’t know what to do. I wish I could change things for her. Whatever, I can’t even change my own life. Why would I think I can take MS away from Jillie.

“Just keep drinking with me, girlfriend. That’s all either one of us can do.” We clink imaginary glasses.

“You got that right, sister,” I reply.

“How can I help you two lovely ladies? I’m Dean, and I’m going to be servicing you.” We look up and see a blonde, tanned, guy with a wide smile on his face.

I look over at Jillian, and raise my eyebrow, which in our language means, are you drinking today? She gives me a nod.

“Cosmo, please,” we reply in unison.

“One each, or are you two sharing a martini,” he winks and gives us a knowing grin.

“We’re not a couple, if that’s what you’re suggesting,” snaps Jillian. Oh dear. This is not going to go well.

I smile brightly at his crestfallen face.

“Sorry to burst your bubble if there was one forming, dude. But we’ll each have one please.” I say.

“Not a problem, don’t forget, I’m Dean.” and bounds off.

“Amen to that, let’s drink tonight then. Please. I have had an exceptionally stressful day dealing with a lost stapler. I need your help looking for a new job. I just can’t get over how sensitive people are at Yogo!” Jillie tucks a hand underneath her chin.

“Don’t I know it. My team is conspiring to overthrow me,” I reply.

Jillie tilts her head, “What about the Tate? Maybe he can release some of your stress. Come on Annie, I need to live vicariously through someone. And I would prefer that to be you.”

“Uh huh. Um. He works at Starbucks, remember? He doesn’t even have a proper job.” I say. Feeling slightly more relaxed that we’re just dealing with numb, but mobile limbs this go around.

“Have you called your PT?” I ask reverting back to the real problem at hand.

“Nope, not yet. I’m going to try acupuncture next and see how that works.”

“Right on. I might go with you. I can probably use something to get my energy flowing again.” I say.

I have been on high alert ever since Jillie’s right eye and left arm crapped out on her four years ago. A bit of a hovering friend. Especially since her mom told her to go pound sand after she was officially diagnosed last summer. That was crazy. I can’t even imagine how stressful that was for her. She couldn’t move her right eye, and her mom, again, blamed her. Not mention, she had to wear an eye patch in the office, wowzer. I have nothing to complain about.

“Honey, thanks, but I’m done talking about the beast. Let’s talk about the Tate. I bet he’s good in bed…I can tell these things, you know.”

~very rough (gritty bits removed) first draft~

xo

7/50: short one. for real.

argh!

my ring finger is weirding out on me today.

feels numb.  with an intermittent connection interruption to my PCM.

really, did I just use automotive jargon when referring to my brain?  been thinking about work way too much lately!

my neuro says if anything hangs around for 24 hours to call him.

not that big of a deal.  and nothing new.  just really bothered me today.

methinks a solution is to power down and get some more sleep!

have a client to prep for tomorrow night, a sister, and a hub to ring.

xo

5/50: monkey brain.

okay, figured I needed to try to grab ya with the title.

did it work?

running out of blogging steam it seems!

the inspiration is not hitting me like it usually does.

on and off work stress likes to interrupt.  working on what I can control.  and turns out, I’m the only thing I can control.  so looking forward to a week vacation next month with the hub!  can’t believe the holidays are here.  maybe we’ll put more ornaments on our palm tree this year.  we’ll see.

back to writing!

I have some writer friends who are doing the novel in a month challenge…one just knocked out 11K words in four days??  wowzer!!

geesh, I have 28K words in my memoir that I haven’t picked up since 2010.  and almost 9K in my novel.  which I haven’t touched other than adding three words this morning.  huh.

I just need more time.  is what I keep hearing.  time to hang out in my right brain.  it’s so much more fun in there!

just started the Deepak Chopra 21-day meditation challenge.  tonight was night one.  clearly need to go back to yoga, as my monkey brain was doing the polka in my head.

breathed in. breathed out.  and then the magic started.

faint.

and then slowly became stronger.

after a glimmer of diamonds appeared out of nowhere I quickly ran into a pretty good visualization from early MS days.  how sad and broken I was.  when I had asked for God to show up.  and give me a sign he heard me.  a tree literally rustled in front of me.  still gives me goosebumps.  I was right back there again tonight.  so I gave that version of me a hug.  which felt good.

though not really 100% in line with the clearing-all-thoughts-from-the-mind part of meditation.

def need to go back to yoga is what I concluded.

that’s all I got tonight peeps!  I have to double up soon if I’m gonna hit my 50 blog challenge.

xo

ps.  I may have a new MBTI client!  how exciting is that?  um.  very.  so exciting I need to go do some nothing.  😉

3/50: the agreement.

“I’m from England, remember? I don’t understand football.” I say with my most proper English accent.

“Whatever, it’s easy,” says Jillian.

“Besides, I’ll teach you. You have to apply for this job, Annie – you’d be perfect at it.  Not to mention all those football players…yummy…”

She sloshes some more wine into my glass that is teetering dangerously on the back of the couch.  I grab the glass and take a long swig, imagining myself as the new PR director for the Raiders.  I have visions of turning into Cameron Diaz in whatever football movie she was in.

“Ok, fine.  I’ll post for it.  I actually can’t believe that such a great job would be posted to the entire world of job seekers.  Seems like more of a higher end job.  Whatever, I’ll do it…if anything just for a laugh.”  I lean into the fantasy.

Jillie and I had yet again another tough day at Yogo; we both work for the same d*ck manager who seems to only be alive to make our lives h*ll at work.  Sexual harassment training missed the bullseye with Grant.  We’re at my house and after a bottle of wine we decide that we will find jobs for each other.  She’ll find one she thinks I’ll be good at, and I have to apply – we shook on it.  And vice versa of course.  We’re starting with me.

“Are you sure,” I ask one last time before pressing the pulsing Submit Resume button.

“Yes, I’m sure. You’ll be great.  Plus when you get it, we can go to all the games, and you’ll pick up football asclap.”

I laugh at her slur.  One more gulp of wine and off my resume goes to the HR Director for the Raiders.

It crosses my fuzzy mind that I don’t even know where the Raiders play.

~~

as is.  a work in progress is part of the process.  xo

 

showing up.

I had an idea for a new post float into my thoughts while sitting on my couch this morning, dog on my lap.  enjoying my coffee.  meditating as I watched the sunlight dance across my favorite beach scene.  but it left me.  as quickly as it appeared!

so frustrating! (my husband laughs every time I emphasize the second syllable…just like my two sistas do.)

oh!  it just showed up again!  that didn’t take long.  good thing I sat down at my laptop and started typing.

yesterday at work I thanked my staff of 22 for showing up at work every day.  how much do I sincerely appreciate that!  side bar>>>selfishly, it sure makes my job easier!

I wasn’t talking about showing up in the sense that they are physically there.  but having the passion to show up mentally and with a desire every day to make a difference.  in order to do their best work every day.

not everyone is happy at work and that’s okay.  I get it.  I endured a rough two years of not being happy at work.  I provided evidence over and over again to justify my original thought – I’m not happy at work.  so I never was.  huh.  amazing how that happens.

that all started to change in 2011 as I was determined to improve my happy factor at work.  then…this summer after MS showed up, uninvited, I had no choice but to improve things.  so I did.  I stopped complaining about work, and the work stress just started to fade away.  and now, it literally doesn’t seem important anymore to worry about what I cannot control at work.  huge shift in perspective.  as a result work has become easier.  I show up, and give what I can. and just allow the rest roll off my back.  where it used to like to hang out 24/7.

but it’s not just at work.  it’s with everything.  I love writing.  so I’m writing again. do I have the energy to write every day?  no.  is everything I write brilliant?  not even close!  and that’s okay.  I still show up and subject you peeps repeatedly to the inner-workings of my mind.  I signed up for another creativity class next year, The Artist’s Way.  I also have stopped beating myself up for not going back to yoga yet.  I’ll get there.  for not keeping a spotless house.  for not having enough practice hours to pursue life coaching certification.  and for not traveling enough.  it’s all okay.  I still want to do those things, so I will.

sidebar>>>the travel showed up on its own!  we are off to maui next month!  beautiful things can happen when you let go of your story, fears, and accept what is.

there is too much dang beauty and inspiration in this world to be sidetracked by the yuck-o thoughts of not being good enough or doing enough!  side-tracking:  that’s just too easy!

I like to take the more difficult path – I don’t side-track anymore.  I show-up as much as possible.  which will, in fact…be the easier path.  in the long run.  it just requires a daily effort.  but it’s so worth it!

it is my choice to be happy.  or not happy.  it always has been my choice.  huh.  so I am using MS to my advantage.  and continue to reset daily.  it’s now become a habit.  a good one.  😉

final sidebar>>>unfortunately, we all come from generations of strife and conflict.  it’s how we are programmed.  it’s in our DNA to look for the negative.  b’ah….I don’t want that!

everyone has the opportunity to change that, by showing up in life a little differently and a little more every day.  where it matters.

what do you do to show up for your life?